If I thought past contests were difficult to judge, I didn’t know what terribleness was looming on the near horizon!
I had a solid four truly awful, terrible, teeth-gnashing poems that I just could not choose a winner from. So, after carefully spending at least five extra seconds on each and then going with my initial instinct, the winner is:
‘Twas the night before Christmas
When all thru the city
The Santa’s were out
Delivering things, what a pity
A pity it is, because
No one is sure
If Santa is Santa
Or a cur in a fur
A fur made from cats
Cats are fat
But they bite the tails
The tales of curs
And history reveals
That this data is concealed
To keep folks from squealing
And then there was a noise
A noise – no, a growl?
a growl and a howl
A howl and a poke
and then he awoke
Congratulations, Ruth! You are the Most Terrible Poet of the week. Ruth has entered for weeks, and has been too clever a writer to sink low enough to win this contest -before today.
The final-round poems all had the following in common: rhyming, allusions to the original poem, humor (though that is certainly not a necessary requirement), off-topic rambling, and originality. Besides my closed-eyes-random-finger-pointing and highly subjective judging; Ruth’s final oomph was that her verse rambled off somewhere odd yet still worked cohesively.
amazing terrible job! I had to confer with my seven-year-old for his opinion. (If he ever ‘helps’ again, know that he’s a Captain Underpants fan.)
Everyone else, keep trying. I know, somewhere deep in the recesses of your talented minds, you can get worse.
Thank you all for entering! PLEASE enter again next week. The prompt will post tomorrow morning, promptly at 10ish MST.
Here are ALL the other entries, in order of submission:
Twas the Night Before Christmas
by Bladud Fleas
Twas the night before Christmas, the twenty fourth of December
No, wait, actually it was the twenty third, I seem to remember
Hold on, let me do the math; it was the twenty tooth actually
Hmm, come to think of it, I’m not sure of that exactly factually
Let’s just say, for now, it was sometime before Christmas Day
The harvest was ready and the people were making hay
No, that don’t sound right, does it? How am I so wrong?
De-dah-de-dah…subtract one, carry forward..Right! on with my song!
Twas a (possibly) a night in December, or November, or June
To be honest, the sun was shining, so let’s just say noon
Twas in the middle of Summer, approx. around about midday
O, look what you’ve done, I’ve forgotten what it was I was going to say.
‘Twas the nightcap before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a drop of alcohol could be found in the house.
Grandma had hung her stockings by the chimney with care (to dry if you may)
And I says this place is drier than a cowboy’s armpit on a cold day.
The grandkids were nestled all snug in their beds,
And grandma said she’d hidden a wee drop or two under the bed.
And I said, well go ‘n get it and we’ll have a wee nightcap,
Before settling down to a long winter’s nap,
So we had a wee dwink or two
And I said I knew
The names of the reindeer off by heart
And grandma said she reckoned I didn’t because I was a silly old fart.
There’s DASHER! and DANCER! and PRANCER! and CLATTER!
And grandma said that CLATTER wasn’t one of the reindeer
And I said what would she know? And anyway to boot
I was going up on the roof to clean the chimney so St Nick didn’t get soot on his suit.
So we had another tipple and then I went up on the roof and granny held the ladder
And I called down that one of the reindeer up here was called CLADDER!
I said it’s as slippery up here as ice cubes in a dwink, and grandma said that was impossible,
But it explains why I spent Christmas in hospital.
When she visited me on Christmas day
I said to granny where’s my Christmas present
Cos it’s drier in here than a cowboy with a hat on his head
And as she left granny said she left the stuff underneath the bed.
Twas The Night Before Christmas
Which made it Christmas Eve
I need a drink
That also rhymes
Does rhyming the word rhyme with the word rhyme count as a rhyme
That’s French for why
Tis the afternoon that comes just before Christmas Eve
And I’m rushing around like you wouldn’t believe
The dog’s barfed up tinsel, my tree lights are dead
I couldn’t find any clear ones, but the minimart had red
Just like Trump’s hall of fiendish stalactites
Or with the points up, does that make them stalagmites?
I burned a batch of cookies for jolly old Saint Nick
Defrosted some corn dogs from July that even then tasted ick
No carrots for the reindeer. No veggies! I’m out.
January better hurry up, cause I’m all tuckered out.
Fa la fella fa, dee da dee da
Fifi folly duh, ta da, ta da!
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And on a roof broad and flat…
Santa was calling to rat on a rat!
He’d delivered some gifts a few seconds ago
And had spotted some lads in the alley below.
“I recognise that bunch of naughty young chaps,”
He said as he watched them swap money and wraps.
“That’s crystal meth!”, said Santa with shock
And he reached for his mobile, which he kept in his sock.
“I’m breaking bad!”, thought our Mr Claus.
But there was a small problem that caused him to pause:
“I can’t call the police, they’ll want my name –
They’re bound to think that I’m playing a game”.
“I need to do something, but can’t ring the coppers…
I’ve got it! I know! I’ll call Crimestoppers!”
So he dialled oh-eight hundred, triple five, triple one
But noticed that all of his credit had gone.
“It’s a good job that this call is free, eh Prancer?”
Said Santa as he calmly awaited an answer.
The operator picked up the crime-stopping call
And noted the details while Santa told all.
“You might get a reward”, the operator said,
And there came a chuckle from our hero in red.
“Thank you but really I prefer giving tonight,
But only to those on my list – Goodnight!”
Twas the night before Solstice
And all through the land
It was dark before the hourglass
Was empty of sand
Except down below
The planets belt
Where hotter weather
Was sure to be felt
For the tilt of the Earth
Made night long
So we celebrate
By singing a silly song
About the night before Solstice
And all through the land
Oops, I’m stuck in a loop
So I’ll just disband….
Twas… Honestly I don’t remember,
Wait it’s not even day?
Wait Charlie stay!
I know its a holiday so don’t go to room,
Cause I know if you do your mom is going to beat me with a broom.
I know you’re sister is staring at my wallet,
Daring me to say she can’t have any money,
I know your mom’s glaring at me.
Fluffly I swear if you don’t stop bearing you’re teeth at me!
Wait its December?
I honestly thought it was November.
Christmas Eve Thing
Twas the night before Christmas and I’m all by myself
got my camera to photograph that goofy red elf.
2018’s the year where I’ll get him recorded
and for my effort the Pulitzer committee will see me rewarded.
But I’m hungry so first I’ll make me some nice, hearty bisque.
And maybe I’ll make it with some gooey lutefisk.
Can I ask you a question, my Christmasy chum?
Did you ever try writing some poetry, hmmm?
Don’t answer ‘cuz honestly I really don’t care
anymore than I care ‘bout your smelly footwear.
So maybe, dear reader, I’ll deck the halls because:
I really want my two front teeth,
or maybe I just want
Sorry, my thoughts became a little abstracted, but when I saw who mommy was kissing I got a bit distracted.
Now I’ve lost my count in this Christmas extravaganza
and I know Chelsea said only eight or nine when it comes to the stanza.
(I just counted and that’s seven. Please, dear reader, pretend you didn’t just read this parenthetical non-stanza. It’ll just be our little secret; alongside that one time when Dasher and Comet got some . . . oops, never mind that and forget I even mentioned it)
I have one final thought for you before it’s too late
(and no, it’s not to tickle my manly breastplate)
It’s whether you’re at sea or straddling an isthmus,
Please have yourself a merry, happy, jolly, healthy little Christmas.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the office
The peeps were all fluey and all full of coughses
Their eyes hung in bags with bulging lids droopy
Their answers to emails were all nincompoopy
They swallowed more syrup and dreamed of their beds
While blurred visions of monitors multiplied in their heads
The holiday was coming, they leaned upon that
While doing their darndest not to barf in their hats
A bottle of OJ, another pain pill
They pushed around paper, just an hour to kill
Away to the door they stumbled in stupors
A stop at the party and boy were they poopers
At last up their driveways they wove their way home.
And fell in their beddi-byes to spend Christmas alone.
‘Twas the Morning before Monday
‘Twas the morning before Monday, when all of the outdoors
Were weeping, not sleeping, as people rode their snowboards
Down the mountainside time and time again
Mother Nature complained about a serious migraine
Pleading for the sun to fade behind a thick, dark cloud
And the humans to quit being so loud
Enough was enough, she ended the noise quite quick
When the weather turned icy cold, and instantly made them all sick
‘Twas the Night Before Brutality
‘Twas the night before brutality
When all through the house
An axe murderer came stirring
And boy, was he a louse.
Stocking footed and booted,
he tracked mud and then he looted.
The silverware, the tea, the candles and dough
for Christmas cookies were his favorite stow.
The children were on their Xbox, headphones in place;
their mother, upstairs with a giant toothache.
And then the burglar, oaf that he was,
made his first glamorous and stupid faux pas.
“I’m getting a cookie,” a young tot said.
“Or maybe I’ll eat some dough instead!”
Off the children went, all in a gang,
When they came upon the burglar and broke off in a bang.
“He’s stealing our silverware!” started the one.
“That’s my gummy bear candy cane from my mum!”
“He’s stealing everything–let’s get them, boys!
I’ll go for his knees–you hit him with Tolstoy!”
And on they tussled, right onto the floor;
the axe murderer was caught, a thief no more!
When suddenly they heard the mightiest roar;
their mother was awake and, boy, was she was a boar.
“What in heaven’s name is that noise!”
“I told you to pipe down. I’ll take back your toys!
Harold, I need you. Harold, wake up!
The boys have destroyed the house and I need some back-up.”
down from the bedroom came ol’ Susie and Harold Pick.
In an instant they saw what was the matter
and Susie doused the intruder with a heaping bowl of batter.
“I’m calling the police, you axe murder you;
Harold has got you hogtied–it’s true!
Nobody steals Christmas from our kids
All you’ll get is a knuckle sandwich!”
‘Twas five months before Christmas when all through the stores
Christmas decorations replaced ingredients for s’mores.
It’s summer, you say? What a waste of my dime!
There’s no commercial benefit to having downtime.
You can’t have too much shopping and wrapping and joy
And singing repeatedly Little Drummer Boy.
Par rum pum pum pum,
Rum tee dee dum,
Dum dee dee dumb.
I’m perfectly fine and my thoughts are as clear
as the midnight when angels let out a loud jeer,
“Give Santa the boot and tell him goodbye,
Send up a rocket, it’s the Fourth of July!”
Twas the night before Christmas
After being laid off
Feeling scroogish and angry
And full of bitter scoff
And the reindeer were noisy
As I yelled from the hall
That this Christmas was cancelled
I had just hit a wall
But the morning was coming
As I opened the door
To see packages falling
From outside to the floor
I remembered the shopping
From my computer at night
Back when I had money
And it wasn’t so tight
I thanked God that I finally
Saw my OCD as a gift
And I made up with the reindeer
So they could give me a lift
My anger subsided
As I loaded the sleigh
I passed out all the presents
And knew it would all be ok.
Twas the night before Christmas
and feeling alone
not a creature was stirring
not even their bones
Went into dreaming
to get a fresh streaming
feigned a get away
accidentally landing in the UK
Stuck in a snow storm
wearing flip flops and t shirt torn
darned if I didn’t miss Bali
astral body took the wrong trolly
Phone booth in the distance
it would take ten pence
Mrs Santa answered
saying the one went onward
Saw Santa and his reindeer
racing in the sky so clear
bridging the distance
I climbed onto Blitzen
While the snow is glistening
I am freezing yet
cheerful to be part of this team
only to pull out the Jim Beam
Thankfully to wake
in a warm bed I did make
but be damned to want
to go back and not faint
To be bold
and not fold
from cold weather
Mistakes can be made
next time be sure
to arm the astral with fur
I’m not pointing fingers (Diana), but there was a sudden, suspicious influx of entries this week. I hope you all return to give me ulcers next time.
In the meantime, keep practicing!