The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

WELCOME to another Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest! This is #6, but I’m just asking for work to keep numbering them.

I recommend reading about how to write terrible poetry. Read these rules, then enter:

  1. The topic is Horrible Christmas Song Lyrics. Yep -we’re going there.
    I intend to not do a contest after this, because of Christmas, so this is the last time you’ll have to hear 🎵 “Sir, I want buy these shoes…” 🎶
  2. Keep the song short enough that you can write it and still spend time with family; also so that we don’t all want to wring your neck.
  3. It’s gotta rhyme. Dude, it’s a song.
  4. Remember: make it terrible. My seven-year-old will want to sing it over and over and over and over and -you get the idea. -Not that I want it to feature underpants. Please.
  5. Keep it PG-Rated. Like I said: my kid will be singing it.

Think you can do it? You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (December 21, 2018) to submit.

Post your poem or the specific link to it in the comments.

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50 thoughts on “The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

  1. bereavedandbeingasingleparent December 15, 2018 / 1:31 pm

    I’ve heard a few new songs on the radio which would happily qualify for this competition. I did have Santa’s groovie dancing underpants in a chorus, so will scrap that one, plus it was rapidly veering away from PG.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Bruce Goodman December 15, 2018 / 4:53 pm

    Yuletide balls

    We’re hanging our balls on the tree
    pa rum pum pum pum
    We got them at various shopping malls
    pa rum pum pum pum
    They come in all shapes and colors
    pa rum pum pum pum
    And some of the balls are our mother’s
    pa rum pum pum pum

    Chorus:
    Balls! Balls! Wonderful yuletide balls!
    We’re hanging them on the tree
    There’s nothing to match them
    I warn you – don’t scratch them
    Everyone who sees them is filled with admiration
    If the tree and balls catch on fire there’ll be a conflagration.

    Everyone who sees them shine bright
    pa rum pum pum pum
    Says see how they catch the light all through the silent night
    pa rum pum pum pum
    After we’ve finished hanging our balls
    pa rum pum pum pum
    We’re going to start making the hors (hors should rhyme with balls if you’re reading it our aloud)
    d’oeuvre
    pa rum pum pum pum
    For Christmas dinner
    pa rum pum pum pum

    Chorus:
    Balls! Balls! Wonderful yuletide balls!
    We’re hanging them on the tree.
    There’s nothing to match them.
    Be careful not to scratch them.
    Everyone who sees them is filled with admiration
    If the tree and balls catch on fire there’ll be a conflagration.
    Alleluia!

    Liked by 5 people

    • Chelsea Owens December 20, 2018 / 10:19 am

      Ah, Bruce. This was really terrible, but not so much in a poetry-construction sort of way. 😀 Go record it and play it on your blog!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bruce Goodman December 20, 2018 / 10:33 am

        When I was at school, the choir sang a carol (translated from a carol by the von Trapp family) that went:
        “Infant in the hay
        Make us gay.”
        The tune was very catchy and I often find myself singing it!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Bladud Fleas December 16, 2018 / 3:10 am

    It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, by Death Metal Grunge

    ChrissmaaassChrissmaaasChrissmaaas
    CHRISSSSMAAAAAASSSS
    ChrissmaaassChrissmaaasChrissmaaas
    CHRISSSSMAAAAAASSSS
    EEEUGHHHHCHRISSMAAAAAAS

    Gotta dead tree an painted all the chrissmas lights blaaack
    Got yooza present, here’s the receipt, so you can take it baaaaack
    To Waaaal-maaaart. Yeah, shame they don’t do death head tattooooos
    Cos that is what I wooda bought for yooz. Yeah.

    ChrissmaaassChrissmaaasChrissmaaas
    CHRISSSSMAAAAAASSSS
    ChrissmaaassChrissmaaasChrissmaaas
    CHRISSSSMAAAAAASSSS
    EEEUGHHHHCHRISSMAAAAAAS

    Decorated the room and nailed my sock above the FIRE
    If I said it didn’t hurt a bit I’d be a LIAR
    It’d learn me to take my foot outta it BEFORE
    But the blood splatter goes with the gizzards and the GORE

    YEEAAH Santa’s gonna puke.
    ChrissmaaassChrissmaaasChrissmaaas
    CHRISSSSMAAAAAASSSS
    ChrissmaaassChrissmaaasChrissmaaas
    CHRISSSSMAAAAAASSSS
    EEEUGHHHHCHRISSMAAAAAAS

    (ad lib & fade)

    Liked by 6 people

  4. Anneberly December 16, 2018 / 1:11 pm

    anneberlyandrewscom.wordpress.com/2018/12/16/reindeers-fly-at-night/

    Sung to the tune of Christmas Don’t be Late

    Reindeer’s Fly at Night

    Reindeer’s, reindeer’s in the sun
    Sleep for hours and have no fun
    They can’t cook, nor can they bake
    Lazy reindeer’s, need to wake
    Santa’s sleigh is packed with toys
    For all the lil’ girls and boys
    Sun has set, the moon is bright
    These reindeer’s fly at night

    Santa’s sleigh is packed with toys
    For all the lil’ girls and boys
    Sun has set, the moon is bright
    These reindeer’s fly at night

    Sun has set, the moon is bright
    These reindeer’s fly at night

    Liked by 7 people

  5. D. Wallace Peach December 16, 2018 / 2:03 pm

    Oh, I hope this isn’t the last forever, Chelsea! 🙂 No pressure. Ha ha. Have a wonderful Christmas. Here’s my offering:

    Sung to the tune of We Three Kings

    We three drunks of the neighborhood bar
    Pounding shots we daren’t drive the car
    Bloody Mary, beer and brandy
    Oh my gosh, I’m seeing stars

    Bourbon, I love you, high as a kite
    Bar with a mirror lit up so bright
    To the gutter leading, hope I’m not bleeding
    Guide us to thy Michelob Light

    Chicken wings, my mouth is on fire
    Give me a pint to douse the hot pyre
    Drunks forever, barfing never
    Karaoke carols join the choir

    Oh-ohhhh, bar of wonder, bar of blight
    Bar of cocktails, blurry-eyed sight
    Olives and cherries, I’m feeling merry
    Cheers to a tipsy Christmas night!

    Liked by 5 people

      • D. Wallace Peach December 17, 2018 / 11:23 am

        Thank you, Anneberly. There are some terrible ones this week, for sure! Tons of fun. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Anneberly December 17, 2018 / 11:28 am

          I’m not very good at the terrible writing concept. I need to get better at that. Haha, that’s something I never thought I would strive for.
          The entries are terribly wonderful this week.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Molly Stevens - Shallow Reflections December 20, 2018 / 8:01 am

      “Guide us to thy Michelob Light.”
      “Oh-ohhhh, bar of wonder, bar of blight”
      So many lines to love in this horrible Christmas lyric poem, Diana. Hahahaha! Merry Christmas!

      Liked by 2 people

      • D. Wallace Peach December 20, 2018 / 12:00 pm

        So glad you enjoyed it, Molly. I had a lot of fun with this one, especially trying to get it to rhyme. I hope you’re ready for the holidays and getting some time to relax too. Happy New Year. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

    • Chelsea Owens December 20, 2018 / 10:21 am

      Sounds like you need to cross-stitch this for the wall of a local bar. 😀 Nicely done.

      Liked by 1 person

      • D. Wallace Peach December 20, 2018 / 12:08 pm

        Thanks, Chelsea. I figured it may not end up being the most terrible, but it was fun to write. The winners were sensationally terrible. 🙂 Happy Holiday!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Chelsea Owens December 20, 2018 / 12:58 pm

          Not being terrible might be a good goal, too! 😀

          Like

  6. Peregrine Arc December 18, 2018 / 6:20 pm

    Here’s my entry that’ll post tomorrow on my Blogmas. PS-I hate that Christmas shoes song, too. Oh-ehm-ghee.

    My song is set to to the tune of Jingle Bells.
    —-
    Mingle Smells

    Mingle smells, mingle smells
    I have tooth decay
    Oh what fun, it is to say
    You smell like puke today.

    Dashing through the roads
    In a stolen minivan
    Past the cops we go
    Laughing all the way
    Ha ha hah!

    Cops on phones do ring
    Making handcuffs tight
    Oh what fun it is to run
    From committing crimes tonight!

    Oh! Mingle smells, mingle smells
    I have tooth decay
    Oh what fun, it is to say
    You smell like puke today.

    Oh! Mingle smells, mingle smells
    I have tooth decay
    Oh what fun, it is to say
    You smell like puke today…

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Gerard LaDamus December 19, 2018 / 5:14 pm

    Christmas Cheers

    Christmas time is here,
    Christmas time is near,
    Let’s have a Christmas beer,
    For the New Year

    Good times we will have,
    With Santa and the elfes,
    A true Christmas blessing,
    Having Zen on our shelves

    Let the bubbly flow,
    Soon we’ll be kissing under the mistletoe,
    Toss the figgy pudding,
    Nobody likes that crap, who are we kidding

    Christmas presents wrapped with care,
    Let’s hope jolly ol’ Saint Nick soon appears,
    Maybe I’ll get a rabbit or a hare,
    It’s better than a box of Bartlett pears

    Baby it’s cold outside,
    Get close by my side,
    Let’s make an Christmas elf,
    We can name him Relph

    Christmas time is here,
    Christmas time is near,
    Let’s have a Christmas beer
    For the New Year

    Liked by 3 people

  8. johnlmalone December 20, 2018 / 1:11 am

    I’ve given some thought to this but have found that I cannot try to write a terrible poem or lyric but still write them anyway. Have a happy Xmas, Chelsea.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chelsea Owens December 20, 2018 / 7:21 am

      Ha! Yours are hardly that, since they still work in a non-nail-biting way!

      Maybe next time?

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Molly Stevens - Shallow Reflections December 20, 2018 / 6:18 am

    Best. Prompt. Ever. Here’s my entry:

    Awake in a manger
    His bed lined with straw
    The little Lord Jesus
    Looked up at his maw.

    With a moo moo here and a moo moo there
    Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.

    The mother and father
    Looked down where he lay

    With a neigh neigh here and and a neigh neigh there
    Here a neigh, there a neigh, everywhere a neigh neigh.

    The little Lord Jesus
    Let out a great bray.

    Hush little baby don’t say a word
    Mama’s given birth in an animal herd.
    If that animal herd don’t sleep
    Mama’s gonna fall apart and weep.

    I love thee Lord Jesus, but I beg thee and pray,
    Give me relief, some sign of your presence.
    Hark! The herald angels looked down on the fray,
    And sent down a helper – an angel named Clarence.

    Now every time there’s a crying King
    An angel gets at least one wing.
    E-I-E-I-O.

    https://www.shallowreflections.com/the-weekly-terrible-poetry-contest-awake-in-a-manger/

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Natalie K. December 20, 2018 / 6:39 am

    All I Want for Christmas

    All I want for a Christmas is a kid who eats,
    A kid who eats,
    A kid who eats.

    Oh, all I want for Christmas is a kid who eats,
    Then I could have a Merry Christmas.

    It seems so long since I’ve not said,
    “You didn’t eat your dinner, so no snacks in bed”.
    It seems so long since I was glad,
    Not sitting at the table and getting mad.

    All I want for Christmas is a kid who eats,
    A kid who eats,
    Oh, a kid who eats.

    Gee, if I could only have a kid who eats,
    Then I could have a merry Christmas!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chelsea Owens December 20, 2018 / 10:23 am

      I, also, need a kid who eats. 🙂 You know, instead of running around the room and only stopping in front of his food to tell me it’s disgusting…

      Like

      • Natalie K. December 20, 2018 / 9:09 pm

        Our youngest takes a few bites, is “done”, and then acts surprised that he’s hungry when it’s bedtime. He’s also surprised when I tell him “no”.

        Liked by 1 person

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