Raw Ramblings

My mouth says I’m fine as my pain twists the tone and you hear it in the release sometimes you ask no really what’s wrong but I can only say

Nothing that’s all I feel by choice empty my mind my feelings most especially my soul anything that might be there has been bled dry and I am a skin of a person fluttering in the wind of others’

Change never for me every day the same drudgery-papered walls never the front of the parade nor even the front of the convoy but always the crew walking just behind to scoop the waste of others’

Happiness a dream or conciliatory statement I say to defer inquiry but I can only be happy if you are because I am the receiver of broadcast emotions buffeting my over-sensitive antennae and I really just say I am so you’ll stop asking because

It’s easier this way you’ll leave me alone and that’s where I want to be I think and yet I do not because thinking would mean I am alive and I try and try to not be alive and thinking and feeling and

Hurting so much hurting but soon I will sleep after not sleeping because here in limbo I can handle it until I can’t but the between is best and where I can numb and look up at you and say

I’m fine.

19 thoughts on “Raw Ramblings

    • Chelsea Owens December 31, 2018 / 8:50 am

      Beautiful mess, maybe.

      Why do you feel this way as a man with a job? I can’t help but see that so much of my problem is being stuck without doors out.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Fractured Faith Blog December 31, 2018 / 9:43 am

        I’m very insecure and have zero confidence. Being a Male with a reasonably good job doesn’t change that. We are similar in many ways I think.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Chelsea Owens January 1, 2019 / 8:27 am

          Dang. I was hoping something like different circumstances was the cure. :/

          Like

  1. Jon December 31, 2018 / 8:51 am

    It’s a lot of work if you choose to walk just behind the elephants in the parade. Nice work!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Jon December 31, 2018 / 10:58 am

        I took the Clifton Strenths Finder assessment year before last. (strengthsfinder.com) Turns out my number one characteristic is responsibility. I perceive you also may be responsible for teh elephant leavings.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Jon December 31, 2018 / 11:00 am

          should say “taking responsibility for”. Obviously the elephants are responsible for said leavings.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Chelsea Owens December 31, 2018 / 11:12 am

            Should have read both comments. 😀

            Like

        • Chelsea Owens December 31, 2018 / 11:11 am

          I fear you may be right.
          Either I need to raise non-pooping elephants or they need to scrape up their own sometimes.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. therealmomblogblog December 31, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    I wish I had an appropriate comment for this on an emotional level, but saying that I think it is incredible writing and powerful and personal and emotion-invoking is going to have to do. Such a tragedy that pain is the most powerful muse.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chelsea Owens December 31, 2018 / 1:23 pm

      Thank you.

      Perhaps Happiness can be a muse as well, but she clearly ran out the door sometime around my second birthday….

      Like

  3. mymindlessdrivel December 31, 2018 / 6:14 pm

    Ah, the great lie: ‘I’m fine.’ Is anyone, really?

    I would like to think this is merely artistic creativity, but I suspect it is not. Big virtual hug coming your way, m’dear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chelsea Owens December 31, 2018 / 8:38 pm

      Thank you. Your intuition is spot on, and I’ll take the hug. 🙂

      Like

  4. D. Wallace Peach January 1, 2019 / 10:05 am

    This is beautifully written, Chelsea. Full of intense emotion and a despair that is relatable. “I am the receiver of broadcast emotions buffeting my over-sensitive antennae.” Such a familiar feeling. Wishing you the best in the new year.

    Liked by 1 person

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