Not Your Average Blogger’s New Year’s Post

/ Chel Owens

Word is there’s an event what’s been going ’round. I can’t but turn a corner and I finds myself smack-dab against words like ‘resolutions’ an’ ‘goals’ an’ ‘exercise.’ I tell ya what: them’s fighting words and I’ll have no truck with ’em.

Accordingly and characteristically, I have been pondering on a different weighty subject: obscure talents.

Everyone has talents. Many have useful talents. Still more have talents that don’t come up in regular conversation because they just might get said ‘talented’ person ostracized.

Take me, for example. One of my many less-mainstream gifts is the ability to bark like a dog. Specifically, I bark similar to a German Shepherd. How do I know which canine I sound like? I learned as a child when our pet was that breed. In case you are not sure why I don’t bring this up often, just think where I would possibly apply it. …yeah… I can’t think of a place, either. Mostly I startle people my children brag to, but that’s not happening as much since my kids are getting embarrassed solely by the fact that I’m alive.

Another talent I have is possessing somewhat apelike toes on my long, narrow feet. I cannot hang by them, unfortunately, but I did practice writing with them when younger. I reasoned that the skill would come in handy when I was captured by government agents bent on imprisoning me because of my X-Men-like abilities.

The third of my most-interesting gifts is ear-wiggling. …Maybe more of ear-shifting. They move, anyway. I literally practiced in front of a mirror as a child to first achieve movement, and have since honed and isolated ear wigglingness whenever I’m bored during a conversation or business meeting.

Last for now is hiccups on-demand. A related and less-ladylike talent is erm… on-demand burping -which is another one that doesn’t come up in polite conversation. I discovered, quite early on and in church, that I could give myself the hiccups if I burped (silently) long enough. I’ve used a hiccuping spell to get out of meetings since, and …to accidentally attract my husband on our first date. The good news is that I am extremely good at ridding myself of them as well.

If ever I meet any of you in person, now, I’ll have to ask you not to mention these. Otherwise, I’ll not have any material for that two truths/one lie party game.

Enough about me anyway. What about you? Surely you have a talent of two up your sleeve? In what unusual area are you an expert?

Fork

—–

Yay! A really long week to review!
Monday, December 24: Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
Tuesday, December 25: Dude; that was Christmas.
Wednesday, December 26: “Inspirational Plagiarism: a Dialogue.” This may have come about after thinking to myself for two days.
Thursday, December 27: “I Finally Donned the Sorting Hat,” If I were a witch, apparently I’d be a know-it-all.
Friday, December 28: Inspirational quote by Mark Twain that I intentionally mis-quoted in “Inspirational Plagiarism.”
Saturday, December 29: Announced the seventh Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. ENTER IT or I’ll only have three entries to judge from.
Sunday, December 30: “Raw Ramblings.” We’ll call it a free-verse poem.
Monday, December 31: A quote to inspire this new year thingie, by James Agate.
Tuesday, January 1: “Wilhelmina Winters, Seventy-Seven.”
Wednesday, January 2: You made it to today!

36 thoughts on “Not Your Average Blogger’s New Year’s Post”

  4. I can rebloom orchids? But only in my current apartment by putting them in the window to the balcony? I’m a little afraid I’ll lose that if/when I move elsewhere. Ah well, fun while it lasted.

    Barking like a dog? Eh. No biggie. Now if you could have it actually mean something to other dogs and become their evil human overlord, then maybe you’d have something…

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  6. There was an interesting programme about the relationship between man and dogs. All domestic dogs are directly descended from wolves but, apparently, wolves don’t bark and the theory goes that dogs acquired barking in response to human voices. So, you’re kind of meeting it halfway. That’s not to say nothing is lost in translation; you might be barking something rude.

    I can wiggle the ears too, and raise one eyebrow at a time and flare the nostrils at will. I’m training to touch the tip of my nose with the tip of my tongue. My face is a circus of entertainment.

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  8. ‘I’ll have no truck with ’em.’ Love old-speak. Raise on a ranch, I heard this a lot as a kid. Finally, I can bray like a ‘jack-ass.’ Doesn’t help much other than to get the attention of other jack-asses.

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  10. I can cut things out with ridiculous precision. A result of too much time spent alone as a child – doing crafts. Comes in very handy on occasion but is not very amusing. I can also pick up things with my short but agile monkey toes. My father made us have races picking up marbles with our toes as children and taking the pile from one end of the room to the other, one by one. He said it would build our arches, but I suspect he also found it funny to watch us bound across the floor with our toes fully occupied – awkward to say the least. Agile toes come in handy when something is dropped in the shower…no bum in the air for me. Will be a huge boon for my safety, I’ve heard, if I ever land in prison.

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