Good day to you all. This here’s The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest, tenth edition.
Don’t know what ‘terrible poetry’ means? Read mah handy article, “How To Write Terrible Poetry.”
Here are the rules for this week:
- Topic: Worrisome Noises. They could be anything, from anywhere.
- Keep it reasonable in length. No ballads, please. (That means we don’t want a poem in excess of 200 or 300 words.)
- Should it rhyme? I don’t care. It’s yours to let us read.
- This may be the most important rule: make it terrible.
I want the neighborhood auto mechanic to beg you to bring in a hundred engines with ‘funny noises’ driven by grandmothers who don’t know which body part is aching while their grandchildren drop something in the backseat that makes a suspiciously-messy *sploosh* sound. - Keep it PG-rated. The grandmas might read it.
You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (January 25, 2019) to submit a poem.
Post your poem or a link to it in the comments, or fill out the included form. I read them all and judge as impartially and blindly as I may.
Photo Credit:
Clark Young
I’m not that great at terrible writing . . . practice, practice, practice. 🙂
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…This may be the sort of writing one ought not to practice TOO dilligently. 😉
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😂😂 I think that even with weekly practice, I probably won’t be able to write terribly. 😂😂 It’ll be fun to try.
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Oh, good. 🙂 I don’t want to break anyone’s talents -at least not permanently.
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Oh heavens no!! This is just fun, and great writing practice. 😁
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Oh, good.
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I’m in this week. Sounds like fun….
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Yay!
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The Bottom Burp
At heart
The fart
Was really very small
And well
It’s smell
Was nothing at all.
But parps
That start
On the tiny side
May grow
You know
And be difficult to hide
Don’t think
The stink
Will give you away
It’s the sound
That’s bound
To make you pay.
Try, my boys
To keep the noise
Under some control
Or you’ll find
Mankind
Won’t be very impressed and may well think you’re some kind of uncivilised idiot.
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haha! Truly terrible on all fronts. And behinds.
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This was really good, Geoff! You know, ‘good’ for the terrible requirements… I loved your rhyme of ‘praps,’ and your ending line! 😀
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Thanks Chelsea but you made the right call. Diane’s was epically scatalogical. Loved it…
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Here is my submission. I can’t believe I wrote this. Title: Poots
There once was a hairy old coot
Who loved to squeeze out a poot
It was stinky and smelly
Gurgled like jelly
And popped off a sound like a toot
But he wasn’t close to the worst
My granny caught poots in her purse
She saved up the sound
For when grandkids came ‘round
Then out of her purse they would burst
Now MY poots are dainty as roses
No trouble for delicate noses
They make a small putter
Wheeze or soft flutter
But they won’t curl your hair or your toeses
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I can’t believe you wrote this either, Diana. I love it! It curled my toeses.
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After I submitted, I thought of two more verses, Molly. Ha ha. These contests are such funses. 🙂
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Yes, and your poem made me belly laugh! Two more verses and I might have squeezed out a poot!
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LOL Too funny!
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So terrible!!!
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Cola Etiquette
It’s OK to slurp
at the bottom of the cup.
But try not to burp,
or let some come back up.
If you drink it too fast,
a cola will fizz,
and run out your nose,
that’s just how it is.
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This is quite lovely.
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Haha! I’ve had that happen.
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Jon, this is really good! It made me laugh! 😀
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Good in a bad poetry contest… I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Of course!
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An ode to Aunt Marlene
I worry some about worrisome noise, boys.
Cars are not toys
No matter if they bring you joys.
They are dangerous and when one hears a worrisome noise
When driving along the road
One knows instantly that it’s either the engine producing too much heat
Or old Aunt Marlene in the back seat.
The other day while driving along the road,
Just after leaving my abode,
Something went clack clack clack.
Oh what a worrisome noise!
No, it wasn’t old Aunt Marlene in the back.
I’d run over Aunt Marlene’s cat.
Old Aunt Marlene likes to read poetry out loud
When she’s in the back sitting proud.
Last week she read “The Ballad of Dick Turpin”.
It went on and on.
I said, “Can’t you shut up, Aunt Marlene, you’re driving us nuts?”
She said “It’s by Alfred Noyes”.
And I said “Well he’s a most worrisome Noyes.”
Drop the “I” out of NOISE and you get a WORRISOME NOSE.
Blow it.
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This is terrible and makes no sense at all, Congratulations on a job well done!
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Your editorial notes are always worth it, Bruce! It’s too bad there’s such stiff competition and I can’t pick them all; this was hilarious!!
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😀 Having been a winner all my life, Chelsea – with the Midas touch where everything turns to gold – I am rather enjoying this sense of failure I’m experiencing. It brings a freshness and an enthusiasm for floppery.
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I’m happy to hear you are enjoying yourself, sir.
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here is a poem to sing
grundle pip boing thwack and ping
brrrp tinkle whap hmmp prr-dong
and that’s about the end of the song
no, wait, there’s another verse
and the noises they get a whole lot worse
but so we don’t increase our fears
we’ll just think them so no one hears
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Very clever. I like the quiet verse the best. Haha!
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Yours was another that made me laugh; I especially love the “no, wait, there’s another verse.” 😀
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Listen…
Hark! Hark! Listen to that bark.
For sooth, or is it for sure? The tea kettle is boiling over, I assure…
Drip. Drip. Drip.
KLANG! KLANG! KLANG!
Ring, ring, ring.
Ka-boom, pop, boom!
Noises! Ack! What, where, how?
My ears are crying green pus, how doth one make it stop now?
Oh, I have my instrument pointed at Earth. It’s picking up all the audio waves. ‘Tis a terribly noisy planet, ’tis sooth, I’m afraid.
Quick Makbobblec3ft0, point the spaceship the other way. We shouldn’t have taken a left at Mars, nay neigh.
For sooth.
KLANG!
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Well done, Peregrine Arc! Nonsensical and yet it makes a point. haha!
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😁 thanks!
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Can’t go wrong with those annoying onomatopoeia! 😀
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Bang, pow! 😉😊
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Noises Everywhere
What’s with these ear piercing, skin crawling sounds?
They are eating me alive, I just can’t stick around.
Where would I go? These noises are everywhere.
They’ve even made appearances in my nightmares.
Please save me from these “schlik, squish, slurp” type noises,
Before I become psychotic, and start hearing them as voices.
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As I said on your site, this was a good poem. I guess you need to aim for lower standards in this mud-pit level of poetry. 😉
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Ha ha!!! I certainly enjoy being involved in this contest, even if my standards are not as low. Ha Ha!!! 😉
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🙂 I’m glad to hear it. I think I might be offending people, but then remember what sort of contest it is…
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Oh, goodness. I hope no one is offended by these comments. I participate in this contest in hopes that I can let go, and have fun like everyone else, and not be so worried about whether my writing is perfect (in my eyes at least). I wish I could let go, and purposely write “terrible”. I think it is a great exercise for writing. I certainly enjoy reading everyone’s purposeful ‘terrible’ poetry. Although, the ‘terrible’ entries that I have read, I don’t think are terrible. They are great because they intended it to be so called ‘terrible’.
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That sounds like a good dictionary definition for our contest!
And keep trying -maybe around 4 a.m. when you’re scribbling down nonsensical dreams. 😉
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Here’s my entry this week. I’ve got football on my mind.
Bawls before kickoff
They’re sitting in the stands,
All settled in their rows,
Bundled in sensible layers
Wearing adorable chapeaus.
The crowd noise is thunderous,
Delighting in their teams,
When a star takes center stage
And utters a piercing scream.
Has there been a threat to life?
A gunman on the loose?
From whence sprung this shrill shriek?
Some sort of harsh abuse?
The throng is shocked into silence
Hoping no one throws a tantrum,
As the screeching goes on and on and on and on
To execute the national anthem.
Oh, say, can you sing?
No! The group decrees.
Hire an opera singer
Who can reach the last high E!
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That rendition made me sit up and take notice (wince) too. 🙂 Great poem.
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I complain every time I hear a popular singer try to sing the National anthem. One time Renee Fleming sang it for a sporting event and it was divine. With so many legitimate singers in existence, I can’t understand why they can’t hire someone who has ability to sing the song.
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Maybe the NFL can’t afford a real singer? (Stifles giggle).
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Yeah, right!
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Hahaha 😂
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Thank you! Glad you got a laugh!
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I sometimes hold my breath waiting to see how they do the big finish. 😊😉
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An excellent poem! Let’s send it off to the proper authorities and save our ears!! 😀
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Thank you! And good idea. Urgency is warranted!
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😀
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