The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Chel Owens

Good day to you all. This here’s The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest, tenth edition.

Don’t know what ‘terrible poetry’ means? Read mah handy article, “How To Write Terrible Poetry.”

Here are the rules for this week:

  1. Topic: Worrisome Noises. They could be anything, from anywhere.
  2. Keep it reasonable in length. No ballads, please. (That means we don’t want a poem in excess of 200 or 300 words.)
  3. Should it rhyme? I don’t care. It’s yours to let us read.
  4. This may be the most important rule: make it terrible.
    I want the neighborhood auto mechanic to beg you to bring in a hundred engines with ‘funny noises’ driven by grandmothers who don’t know which body part is aching while their grandchildren drop something in the backseat that makes a suspiciously-messy *sploosh* sound.
  5. Keep it PG-rated. The grandmas might read it.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (January 25, 2019) to submit a poem.

Post your poem or a link to it in the comments, or fill out the included form. I read them all and judge as impartially and blindly as I may.

 

clark-young-143623-unsplash

 

Photo Credit:
Clark Young

58 thoughts on “The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest”

  1. Anneberly January 19, 2019 / 11:18 am

    I’m not that great at terrible writing . . . practice, practice, practice. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chelsea Owens January 19, 2019 / 1:44 pm

      …This may be the sort of writing one ought not to practice TOO dilligently. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anneberly January 19, 2019 / 1:46 pm

        😂😂 I think that even with weekly practice, I probably won’t be able to write terribly. 😂😂 It’ll be fun to try.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. TanGental January 19, 2019 / 1:18 pm

    The Bottom Burp

    At heart
    The fart
    Was really very small

    And well
    It’s smell
    Was nothing at all.

    But parps
    That start
    On the tiny side

    May grow
    You know
    And be difficult to hide

    Don’t think
    The stink
    Will give you away

    It’s the sound
    That’s bound
    To make you pay.

    Try, my boys
    To keep the noise
    Under some control

    Or you’ll find
    Mankind
    Won’t be very impressed and may well think you’re some kind of uncivilised idiot.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Chelsea Owens January 26, 2019 / 11:14 am

      This was really good, Geoff! You know, ‘good’ for the terrible requirements… I loved your rhyme of ‘praps,’ and your ending line! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • TanGental January 26, 2019 / 2:48 pm

        Thanks Chelsea but you made the right call. Diane’s was epically scatalogical. Loved it…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. D. Wallace Peach January 19, 2019 / 3:57 pm

    Here is my submission. I can’t believe I wrote this. Title: Poots

    There once was a hairy old coot
    Who loved to squeeze out a poot
    It was stinky and smelly
    Gurgled like jelly
    And popped off a sound like a toot

    But he wasn’t close to the worst
    My granny caught poots in her purse
    She saved up the sound
    For when grandkids came ‘round
    Then out of her purse they would burst

    Now MY poots are dainty as roses
    No trouble for delicate noses
    They make a small putter
    Wheeze or soft flutter
    But they won’t curl your hair or your toeses

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Jon January 19, 2019 / 6:00 pm

    Cola Etiquette

    It’s OK to slurp
    at the bottom of the cup.
    But try not to burp,
    or let some come back up.

    If you drink it too fast,
    a cola will fizz,
    and run out your nose,
    that’s just how it is.

    Liked by 6 people

  6. Bruce Goodman January 19, 2019 / 8:26 pm

    An ode to Aunt Marlene

    I worry some about worrisome noise, boys.
    Cars are not toys
    No matter if they bring you joys.
    They are dangerous and when one hears a worrisome noise
    When driving along the road
    One knows instantly that it’s either the engine producing too much heat
    Or old Aunt Marlene in the back seat.

    The other day while driving along the road,
    Just after leaving my abode,
    Something went clack clack clack.
    Oh what a worrisome noise!
    No, it wasn’t old Aunt Marlene in the back.
    I’d run over Aunt Marlene’s cat.

    Old Aunt Marlene likes to read poetry out loud
    When she’s in the back sitting proud.
    Last week she read “The Ballad of Dick Turpin”.
    It went on and on.
    I said, “Can’t you shut up, Aunt Marlene, you’re driving us nuts?”
    She said “It’s by Alfred Noyes”.
    And I said “Well he’s a most worrisome Noyes.”

    Drop the “I” out of NOISE and you get a WORRISOME NOSE.
    Blow it.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Chelsea Owens January 26, 2019 / 11:16 am

      Your editorial notes are always worth it, Bruce! It’s too bad there’s such stiff competition and I can’t pick them all; this was hilarious!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bruce Goodman January 26, 2019 / 1:19 pm

        😀 Having been a winner all my life, Chelsea – with the Midas touch where everything turns to gold – I am rather enjoying this sense of failure I’m experiencing. It brings a freshness and an enthusiasm for floppery.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Bladud Fleas January 20, 2019 / 2:13 am

    here is a poem to sing
    grundle pip boing thwack and ping
    brrrp tinkle whap hmmp prr-dong
    and that’s about the end of the song

    no, wait, there’s another verse
    and the noises they get a whole lot worse
    but so we don’t increase our fears
    we’ll just think them so no one hears

    Liked by 7 people

  8. Pingback: Terrible Poetry Contest: Worrisome Noises – Peregrine Arc
  9. Peregrine Arc January 20, 2019 / 7:22 am

    Listen…

    Hark! Hark! Listen to that bark.

    For sooth, or is it for sure? The tea kettle is boiling over, I assure…

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    KLANG! KLANG! KLANG!

    Ring, ring, ring.

    Ka-boom, pop, boom!

    Noises! Ack! What, where, how?

    My ears are crying green pus, how doth one make it stop now?

    Oh, I have my instrument pointed at Earth. It’s picking up all the audio waves. ‘Tis a terribly noisy planet, ’tis sooth, I’m afraid.

    Quick Makbobblec3ft0, point the spaceship the other way. We shouldn’t have taken a left at Mars, nay neigh.

    For sooth.

    KLANG!

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Anneberly January 21, 2019 / 12:09 pm

    Noises Everywhere

    What’s with these ear piercing, skin crawling sounds?
    They are eating me alive, I just can’t stick around.

    Where would I go? These noises are everywhere.
    They’ve even made appearances in my nightmares.

    Please save me from these “schlik, squish, slurp” type noises,
    Before I become psychotic, and start hearing them as voices.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Chelsea Owens January 26, 2019 / 11:19 am

      As I said on your site, this was a good poem. I guess you need to aim for lower standards in this mud-pit level of poetry. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anneberly January 26, 2019 / 11:37 am

        Ha ha!!! I certainly enjoy being involved in this contest, even if my standards are not as low. Ha Ha!!! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • Chelsea Owens January 26, 2019 / 12:02 pm

          🙂 I’m glad to hear it. I think I might be offending people, but then remember what sort of contest it is…

          Like

          • Anneberly January 26, 2019 / 12:32 pm

            Oh, goodness. I hope no one is offended by these comments. I participate in this contest in hopes that I can let go, and have fun like everyone else, and not be so worried about whether my writing is perfect (in my eyes at least). I wish I could let go, and purposely write “terrible”. I think it is a great exercise for writing. I certainly enjoy reading everyone’s purposeful ‘terrible’ poetry. Although, the ‘terrible’ entries that I have read, I don’t think are terrible. They are great because they intended it to be so called ‘terrible’.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Chelsea Owens January 26, 2019 / 12:52 pm

              That sounds like a good dictionary definition for our contest!

              And keep trying -maybe around 4 a.m. when you’re scribbling down nonsensical dreams. 😉

              Liked by 1 person

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  12. Molly Stevens - Shallow Reflections January 24, 2019 / 8:59 am

    Here’s my entry this week. I’ve got football on my mind.

    Bawls before kickoff

    They’re sitting in the stands,
    All settled in their rows,
    Bundled in sensible layers
    Wearing adorable chapeaus.

    The crowd noise is thunderous,
    Delighting in their teams,
    When a star takes center stage
    And utters a piercing scream.

    Has there been a threat to life?
    A gunman on the loose?
    From whence sprung this shrill shriek?
    Some sort of harsh abuse?

    The throng is shocked into silence
    Hoping no one throws a tantrum,
    As the screeching goes on and on and on and on
    To execute the national anthem.

    Oh, say, can you sing?
    No! The group decrees.
    Hire an opera singer
    Who can reach the last high E!

    Liked by 5 people

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