The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Chel Owens

Welcome, one and all, to the infamous Terrible Poetry Contest!

I am giggling with excitement this morning because of this week’s prompt. I really am. Yes, silent giggling is a thing.

So, without further ado, here are the rules:

  1. Topic: LOVE POEM. A sonnet, preferably, but go where your heart tells you.
  2. The length ought to stay below 200 words. After all, you wouldn’t want your potential lover to fall asleep mid-verse.
  3. Roses may be red, violets may be blue; but I don’t care if you rhyme or not, because violets are clearly purple.
    In other words, rhyming is not mandatory.
  4. As always, make it terrible! I want your intended to cry as s/he reads what you’ve ardently penned -and for neither of you to know if they are tears of joy or pain.
  5. Love is in the air… but this blog is intended for general audiences, so keep it PG-rated.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (February 15, 2019) to submit a poem.

Post your poem or a link to it in the comments. Since this contest ends the day after V-Day, I’d like everyone to read (and cringe) in preparation for the blessed event.

jesse-goll-555768-unsplash.jpg

Just to get your creative juices flowing, here’s a little ‘love poem’ I penned to my weekly beau, The Garbage Truck:

The morning is frosty; the air so chill.
But, ’tisn’t winter that makes my heart still.

As I lay warming in blankets’ embrace,
One thing will get me to leave this soft place.

Hark! Hear the fragrant beau’s noisy approach:
He squeaks as he rolls his big, stinky coach!

I rush down the stairs; I dress for outside.
I must get there soon! I lengthen my stride.

Quickly now! Line up the cans by the road!
They ought to be decent, for their bethrothed.

He’s nearly here -at the end of the street.
I’ve made my offer and now must retreat.

Back inside for me, still in my p.j.’s
Till we meet, my love, in seven more days.

And, for those still struggling, I will also share a very romantic sentiment from Weird Al:

Photo credit:
Jesse Goll

46 thoughts on “The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest”

  2. Songette of Love

    You are like fresh water in a toilet system
    and I am like the bowl that’s just being pissed in.
    Your flush of youth washes away all stain of sin
    and all I can do is sit there and grin.

    Your love is like a roll of toilet paper,
    seemingly endless and yet is a handy caper.
    You remind me of the aerosol can of “Province French”:
    one squirt and you hide the smell of stinky stench.

    The lavatory brush as well reminds me of you,
    as does the mop that cleans the bathroom floor, too.
    Both are meticulous in cleaning up every speck of microbiotic dust;
    Such fastidiousness greatly increases lust.

    And so, my dear, when all is said and done,
    whenever I have a crap I know that you’re the one.

    Liked by 8 people

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  7. The Handkerchief

    Oh my dearest hanky
    How I love thee without compare
    I snort, I sneeze, I wipe my hands
    on you without a care.
    For you are the holder of my snot,
    Full of my forget-me-nots
    From cold, allergy and flu seasons
    My always and forever, linen pressed beacon.
    Sprinkled with limeaid from that last catastrophic fall
    When I was trying to increase my fluids, dash it all
    Sniff. Sniff. Oh dear.
    I feel I have another achoo arriving, I fear.
    I can feel it striving, stretching down my nostril hairs, tickling my mucus
    To my hanky–my succus!
    Away, away, Sir Lucas!

    Liked by 6 people

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  9. How I Love my Hot Flashes

    I’m never cold from head to toe, not me
    In winter’s deep when snow is white and brash
    I lounge in skivvies for all the family t’see
    In summer attire, I bask in hottish flash

    The hubs may shiver ‘n shake by blazing fire
    The daughter dressed in coat and hat with flaps
    But I will sweat a flash like a funeral pyre
    Too hot to cook or clean, too hot for naps

    Too hot for heat in the car while driving home
    Too toasty for salsa and barbeque chicken wings
    Too flushed to deal with hair dryers and combs
    Too fiery to wear a robe or sweater that clings

    The windows stay open ‘spite the sleeting day
    For years, I’ve had my head in a baking oven
    My heating bill is zero, so I won’t complain
    Now you know the reason hot flashes I’m lovin’

    Liked by 7 people

  10. Unsuitable Suitor

    O how she captured my attention when at the first she happened by.
    What was it then that caught my notice, caused my heart to palpitate?
    Hope raised above the slimmest chance, would I even catch her eye?
    What is that thing my heart is doing? Could it not be what I just ate?

    Would we be so clearly mismatched, quite unlike as ones could be?
    We are boring, both diverted, our screens gleaming pale and blue.
    Am I right? Should I reconsider? Are there sparks ‘tween me and She?
    Thoughts within begin to torment, something is not ringing true.

    Alas! Still if I could only focus, on what is here and what is now.
    Cease even to opine on twitter, step far back from writing blogs,
    Still a chance our love could work out. Exciting yes! Even wow!
    Can’t help now but wonder, would she e’er stoop to kissing frogs?

    ‘Cause far beneath I clearly lodge high and endless opportunities,
    She has e’re open there before her. What if I come upon my knees?

    Liked by 6 people

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  15. Hello everyone! I thought I included a pingback, but just in case (and so that you don’t have to follow an additional link), here’s a petrarchan sonnet to ponder:

    Our Lizard Overlords

    Nary a day may pass that I don’t weep,
    Considering your scaly hide beneath
    Some guy’s soft flesh used as your body sheath.
    So before I pray and lay down to sleep,
    I consider how your anger must seeth
    As foul human cattle turn Earth to heath.
    I’ll turn off my computer with a beep
    And stop spreading lies about your intent.
    The lizard man in human flesh is kind,
    A good reptilian father to his
    Underling livestock filled with malcontent.
    Accept your lot and I’m certain you’ll find
    Falling in love with master is your fate.

    Liked by 3 people

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