The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Chel Owens

‘Sup, yo? This here’s the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. We’re all up in yo’ proprieties fo’ 23 weeks now, bruh.

Wanna play? Being terrible isn’t as simple as ya think. That’s why I’ve got a basic overview and about 22 weeks of contests y’all can read through. This is more about missing a beat, tricking a pattern, an’ appalling audiences with lost metaphors.

Here are the specifics for this week:

  1. Chelsea’s all for equal treatment of genres, so the Topic is Cliché Rap.
  2. This beat don’t need to be as long as Mom’s Spaghetti. Keep the Length to a few verses or fewer.
    An’ keep the submission limit to 3.
  3. Rhyme? It’d be sublime if you’d rhyme sometimes; crime the mind and throw us all off when you suddenly stop.
  4. Above all, make it terrible. Nicki Minaj, Eminem, and Drake need to feel compelled to call upon the awesome power of Tupac to sneak into your house and steal the vowels from your keyboard, so they never have to sit through that again.
  5. This blog’s generally a general audience sort, but the judge is not ignorant as to the content of most rap. I therefore suggest you try for PG-13. Get creative with asterisks if you want; just don’t offend your mom.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (May 3) to submit a poem.

If you wish to remain anonymous till next week, use the form. Leave me a comment saying that you did so I will be able to tell you whether I received it.

For a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments.

Have fun!

dom-hill-465368-unsplash.jpg

Photo credit:
Dom Hill

64 thoughts on “The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest”

  1. Yo, yo, this is for all them fellas in the hood,
    Don’t let the Five-O ruin your mood,
    Let’s keep it gangsta till the end
    Let’s fight them snitches and beat the reverend???
    Yo, yo, I know I can’t rap for nuts
    But I think my anaconda likes them big butts

    Liked by 3 people

  3. **** cool
    stitch in time, mind ****
    dress to the nines, fine
    Chantilly lace hangin’
    ditty bop well hung ****
    hanging ****
    banging ****
    want you babe bad
    bad *** jerky ****
    chill hot

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It’s a Clean House, Yo

    Yo, yo I stubbed my toe
    Gotta get back now to shine my halo.
    I mix my speaks, get down in my sneaks
    And then I start the hammer on my
    Beautiful Louisiana

    Vroom, vroom now grab the broom
    Word, we’ve got laundry to do.
    We must clothe a thousand men
    With all the clothes in this here pig pen.

    So grab that broom,
    Cause you know how we do.
    And before you know it, girl…
    We got this house shining like a pearl!

    My, my, my the house look so fly
    That’s what happens when you clean.
    So serene, so lean, so pristine
    I need to call my girl, Justine.

    Now check yourself before you wreck yourself–to the chorus!

    Wax on…wax off.
    Wax on…wax off.
    Momma didn’t raise no fool now–
    Wax on…wax off.
    Wax on…wax off.

    Word to your Hoover.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Fa la la la la – A rap

    Verse:
    You say you don’t want me in your life
    Well that cuts like a knife
    You say that life’s a breeze
    You can say what you please
    It won’t bring me to my knees
    You’re such a sleaze.
    You’re just like the old woman who lived in a shoe
    I don’t know why she reminds me of you.
    You think I’m going on and on with this rap
    Well just cut the crap
    I too can talk the talk
    And I don’t give a fork.

    Chorus:
    I don’t give a fork
    I don’t give a fork
    Fa la la la la
    I don’t give a fork.
    You dork.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. I am a pleb when it comes to rap! Every rap – be it Eminem or anyone – all sounds absolutely identical to me. I wish rappers would realize that it’s very yesterday – and I’ve put up with it for at least almost 25 years!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Lol! There is an emerging genre called Mumble rap which is more incoherent than the mainstream stuff. It’s like Dadaism meets rap. They just string syllables together and mumble neologisms. Apart from that sub-genre, I’m afraid there’s not much variety! On a serious note, old Eminem was the only breath of fresh air in an industry polluted with rhymes about gang violence, anti-law establishment, wealth and sex. He invented confessional rap and took story telling rap to great heights.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. My most brilliant year of music was 1969 when I never once turned on the radio (or TV – or played a record) for 12 months. At the end of the year I turned on the radio and Hosea Feliciano (can’t spell his name) was singing “Windmills of the Mind”. It was mind-blowing!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I just listened to it. Such a haunting melody. I listened to the Dusty Springfield version too, but her’s sounds more like a Bond movie intro song. His version is amazing and evocative. For some strange reason, it reminded me of The Hours by Philip Glass. That’s a contemporary classical piece that is very disturbing. Listen to it if you haven’t already.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Yes – I am familiar with Philip Glass. I can see why you were reminded of it – and also why it should be disturbing. My current music “obsession” is Barbara Strozzi – a contemporary of Bach. Italian. If you get a moment have a listen. She’s pretty introspective – and brilliant.

                Liked by 1 person

  9. Okay, I did it, Chelsea. I submitted in the form, but here it is again.

    Title: Camel Meat with Thyme

    It a crime not to rhyme
    Or do time in the clamor slammer
    For the chime of the hammer
    Don’t be a mammal
    Better trammel
    On a camel. Huh.

    What you yammer in a verse
    Don’t need to rhyme perverse
    Keep the curse in your purse
    How you like my meat
    Cooking camel in the heat
    Serve it with a beet. Huh.

    Sometime gotta play the game
    Gotta eat the meat, Pete
    We rap a beat the same
    With a handle for our name
    Wolfing camel or parakeet
    Ain’t it a culinary treat. Huh.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks. I’m here, but will not at be at my final destination till early evening tonight.. I have no ideas what to expect for connectivity, but I got a new phone with an Alaska company so if need be I can use it to post. Fingers crossed for adequate wifi connection though….

        Liked by 1 person

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