I have never been so irritated in my life, except for the time I had to sit very still during nerve surgery at the dentist. Good work, poets.

As is the case every week, however, only one may be crowned the victor. This week that winner is: Nitin.

Untitled piece

by Nitin

This is the thirtieth time I’mma say this,
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,
so listen yo, this is the thirtieth time I’mma say this
yeah the thirtieth, so you listenin,
I met her in the thirtieth street
next to the thirtieth store on
the thirtieth year of my life,

Congratulations, Nitin! You are the most terrible poet of the week!

I don’t know whose idea it was to take one of my least favorite things and have everyone poem about it, but that person needs to be fired. These poems were so difficult for me to get through. Just when I thought things couldn’t be more tortuous, I rescued a lone poem from my Spam folder. It may have been marked as such because the poet repeated the same message thirty times.

Thirty times!!!

Way to take the theme, wipe it all over the walls, and smash it into the judge’s face, Nitin.

And, to the rest of you, I award a tie for second place. You are all terrible:

To celebrate Number 30 or 5

by Bruce Goodman

To celebrate Number Thirty
I thought I’d write something dirty
but thirty’s not my favourite number
so I’m going for something humbler.
How about choosing Number Six?
It’s got an eS, it’s got an eX.
It almost seems to rhyme with flex
especially if you pronounce flecks like flicks
but I’m not an Australian.

And so I’m choosing Number Four
as in fourward and four goodness sake
and befour and God foursake-
en. Oh blow it! I’m going back to Number Thirty,
all other numbers make me waffle
which is offal.

So here, to Ms Chelsea, I present 30 roses
in a poesie
to congratulate on Number Five well on the way
that happiness and joy will be every day
and in a Million ways not just Thirty
which is flirty
and dirty
and shirty.
Five would be the number I would deign
to use if I had to start this poem again.

—–

2, By Juan Two

by Jon

Two knew there were only two.
Two who were. Two we rue.
Too much to do to those two;
Clearly too few, this we knew.
Two steps forward, back one plus two.

Deux you have to be too rude?
Maybe, nearly, twice as crude.
Twirly, twirly, twain tutu.
Two against two others skewed
Dos into moral turpitude

Two times kitty, kitty too.
Twice meowing, two mew, mew
Two too many. Many twos…
Two times two I bid you…
Adieu, Adieu! Adieu, Adieu!

—–

One One

by Deb Whittam

One wondered how one one the day
When it wasn’t there to be one anyway
One thought one might be confused
One often is to tell the truth
One then scratched one’s head and looked around
One wondered if one should hide underground
But one had one so one must confess
What one had one was anyone’s guess

—–

Furor over four

by Trent McDonald

Don’t think I’m a bore
To sing the praises of number four
For four is at the forefront of my forward fortress
Forever my numerical mistress
Ah four! Fortune smiles on four!
Sure, there’s four horsemen of the apocalypses
But does four graves make a necropolises?
Forget it, just sing praises for four!
Two squared is four!
Two plus two is four!
Two times two is four!
Two times two times two minus two minus two is four!
See, four ways to make four from two!
And the last had four twos for four!
Forever fortunate in math, four!
How do I love thee, four?
Let me count the ways!
One, two, three, four!
OK, no more
About four
The number
I adore
Four

—–

Untitled piece

by Bereaved Single Dad

Two years for Brexit
Two years and still no exit
Two Prime Minister candidates left
Two Blokes from the right
Two Privileged Backgrounds
Two supporters of hunting with Foxhounds
Two so called men of the people
Two big personalities who loath the townspeople
Two prize A buffoons
Two politicians so easy to lampoon
Two conservatives who love the tycoon
Two elitists who exist for the silver spoon
Two visions which only bring despair and gloom
Two numpties living in a policy vacuum
Two muppets who are so out of tune
Sadly one to be PM in June.

—–

🐜 The Irritated Ant 🐜

by Ruth Scribbles

There once was an ant named Pyzant
Who loved to sing loathsome pop songs
His family hated those cheesy peezy bongs
Sounding like thunder and marching ants
Did you know ants march?
One by one and never done
Ants are not sluggards
They are drunkards
And they keep singing
“The ants go marching five by two”
And they never ever tie their shoes
So irritating. Now I can’t get that out-
Of my head
And it’s time for bed

Zzzzzzzz

—–

Euler’s Number

by Magicquill17

E equals mc-squared,
Oh wait, fudge, it’s a poem about a number and not a physical quantity
So actually e equals 2.718281828459045
And on and on and on and on…
Until the end of time and space
If they have an end, that is.

So what’s the big deal about this e?
See, e raised to x is a very special function
Called the exponential function
But that’s not what’s special about that, no
(Though that could be, at least annoying if not special
Because in childhood they taught us that exponent is just repeated multiplication of a number by itself
Like 2^3 is 2×2×2
Which equals 8, by the way
(Not that it’s relevant)
And you would think that exponential function is x raised to some number
But no dear, oh no,
Exponential function is e raised to x
Annoying, ain’t it?
I know, I hate Maths too)

So the special thing is that the derivative
Of e^x is e^x itself
And so is the integral
(The slope of the function
Is the function itself
And the area under the function
Is the function itself)
Ain’t that clever? Ain’t that amazing?
Look me in the eye and tell me
That that’s not the most beautiful thing ever.
(I know you can’t because I’m behind a screen
Hehehe)

So yeah, e^x is also the inverse of log
Not the log burnt to cook food in primitive times, silly
The logarithm, logx to the base something
Usually- yes- e
Which is 2.718281828459045
Which is asking the question, to what power
Must I raise e
To get x?
See, Maths can be philosophical too.

So e, 2.718281828459045,
Is a very useful number
Because it makes calculations simpler
And that’s counterintuitive
Because you wouldn’t expect such a complicated number
To make things anything but difficult,
But trust me on that,
Because even though you probably don’t
Use it in real life,
I’m a science student.

So e, 2.718281828459045
Is hidden in nature
In spirals of shells, and butterfly wings
And other things people say to
Make themselves sound smart
Amd observant
When really they’ve just googled
‘Number e in nature’
To show it off to friends.
And so did I.
(Such candor.).
Honesty is the best policy,
Or should I say, polic- e?
Not the police that pulls you over for overspeeding, silly,
Policy, polic- e, get it?
I’ll just e myself out.

—–

Thanks again for playing, and come back tomorrow.

Nitin: D. Wallace Peach created this graphic that you can use (if you want) for a badge of honor as the winner: