The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Welcome to The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest! This is our 34th time of offending the internet and I hope we continue to disappoint.

As those who’ve entered before know, writing terrible poetry is an art form. To truly offend one’s sensibilities; a bad poet needs to nearly fit a meter, almost follow a rhythmic pattern, or get so close to a beautiful description his audience starts picturing EXIT signs instead of snow falling gently in a springtime field. I explain the process a bit here.

Besides that, here are this week’s specifics:

  1. Topic: Animals and their pregnancy.
    Did you know the African Bush Elephant carries …well, an elephant for 22 months? That a male seahorse carries the babies (up to 1,500!)? Or that female Komodo Dragons can impregnate themselves without a male through a process called parthenogenesis?
    Did you know you’re going to write a poem about it?
  2. Just to make it more fun, I’d like the Length to be about Hallmark Valentine’s Day card-sized. Bonus points if you actually write it like a Hallmark Valentine’s Day card.
  3. Rhyme? It’s up to you.
  4. Mostly, just make it terrible. Whilst composing your note of affection, a pregnant elephant all the way across the ocean needs to raise its head from the water hole toilet and vow to spend its next 21 months making its way to your house…
  5. do know where babies come from; but if National Geographic can keep things clinical, I think our usual PG rating will suffice.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (July 19) to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous for a week.

Or, for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments.

Have fun!


Photo credit:
Joshua J. Cotten

34 thoughts on “The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

  1. The Hallmark of Irony: An Elephant’s Tale

    Here’s a card just for you
    For 22 months, I’ve had spew
    All over the savannah after every meal
    Two hundred pounds sitting on my bladder for almost two years
    Growing by the day and your father asks me
    Dearest pachyderm-a-booble, whatsoever’s the matter, my dear little poodle?
    Chin up, dear lady, this won’t last forever.
    The labour pains will only last two nights, no matter.

    So dearest child when you’re born,
    If you every wonder why your father walks with a limp–
    It’s because I sat on him
    To make him suffer for being a nitwit.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A Tale of Two Widows

    Two arachnids met eyes across a room
    All eight pairs of eyes made contact in fact
    That bulbous rump had made males swoon
    Those long legs called out for contact

    Mmmm mmmmm yum yum yum
    He thought, what a night of ecstasy
    We sure will get us much of some
    They lay there tangled plain to see

    Dreaming up their spider plans
    They spoke to make a web for both of thee
    He was arachnid putty in her hands
    She hissed, “you’ll always be a part of me”

    He thought he knew just what she meant
    Like newly webs, not you or I, but we!
    After sticky reproduction, hungry and so spent,
    He attempted to leave the web sheepishly

    But was asked to stay for dinner
    To which he agreed, but feels remorse
    Since he’s digesting in her innards
    As her web-of-lies main course

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The lamentation of a girl guppy

    Because you’re the male you’re smaller than me
    And that’s because I’m a female guppy.
    I don’t lay eggs, I’m a live-bearer,
    And I don’t believe I could possibly say that any clearer.

    Well you might laugh at my girth,
    But that’s because I haven’t as yet given birth
    I’m a good couple of months old
    And when you were seven weeks old I wish you hadn’t been so bold.

    Even when expecting, females prefer new males prettier than hubby
    And frequently change who the father is going to be of their bubby.
    Basically we guppies are the epitome of immortality
    And that’s what happens when one practises polyandry.

    So to sum up, if I see a boy guppy who’s dashing
    I get quite overcome with passion.
    But I ask you, do you think it is fair
    That I’m already into my fifth pregnancy this year?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When the Giraffe gives birth the baby falls to the ground
But luckily the calves are not hurt they seem to rebound
Lucky female seahorses as the males are the ones who give birth
I wonder how that effects the dads and their much prized girth
A chipmunk can give birth every forty five days

    That’s enough to make Alvin stop singing and go into a daze

    Opossums are quick they only gestate for fourteen days
Pressure on the males as it’s an even quicker menstrual phase

    Humans are so much slower yet no less Herculean

    That all makes the our pregnancy rather antediluvian

    Liked by 1 person

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