The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Chel Owens

Welcome to the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest #51! Can you believe it?

Writing bad poetry intentionally can be tricky, so I wrote a basic outline here. The long and short of it is to capitalize on the poetry clichés all beginning poets love: adjectives, fluff, overused expressions, and angst. Add intentional mis-meter to that, and you’ve got a ‘winning’ combination.

Here are the specifics for this week:

  1. Since it’s coming up on my mind, at least, this week’s Topic is the commercialism of Christmas. Man, I hate it.
  2. Everyone’s having sales, sales, sales! Keep the Length to 20% off your usual poem. Hurry now; supplies are running out!
  3. Rhyme if you were smart and purchased the name brand version back in July. Otherwise, you’re stuck with the cheap, knock-off variety that might have been recorded in Chinese.
  4. Make it terrible! Make Hasbro put out a recall for all verse you may have ever produced in the last decade, plus offer psychological recompense for the ten years before that.
  5. Christmas is family time -ish. We’d like to make people assume so, anyway, as we advertise the spirit right out of them. Anyway, keep things G-Rated or friendlier.

An offer like this won’t last forever! You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (November 15) to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous for a week.

For a more social experience and immediate attention, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. If you use the ol’ linkback method, pop me a comment if you don’t see the link show up within a day.

Merry(?) Christmas and have fun!

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Photo credit: GIPHY

17 thoughts on “The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest”

  1. Joseph’s Christmas Lament

    It’s impossible to find accommodation around here.
    With crowds converging for the census people are selling their wares
    all over the place – a Bethlehem-Census never fails
    to promote discounted toga sales.
    My wife’s just had a baby and now the jolly farmers are visiting us in droves
    – next thing there’ll be hosts of angels singing their heads off.
    How are we meant to feed all these visitors
    not to mention the farm animals?
    And it’s freezing cold in the night.
    I’m looking forward to Christmases in the future.
    Everyone says future Christmases will be all peace and quiet.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This might be a bit too subtle…

    Ding Dong

    One silent night,
    the virgin Mary had a baby boy,
    an infant holy, infant lowly.
    It came upon a midnight clear,
    once in royal David’s city.
    Ding dong merrily on high.

    Go –
    tell it on the mountain, the night
    before Christmas:
    Santa Claus
    is coming to town.
    Ding dong merrily high.
    I want a hippopotamus for Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So I’m in a shopping mall you see,
    An agglomeration of shops and shops to be,
    There’s a boozy Santa in the corner with a kiddy on his lap,
    The kiddy is either waiting for his present or is taking a nap
    “Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum,”
    Screams a vagabond, a bum
    I’m tired shopping for the wifey
    Shops, shops and shops are all I see,
    I’m exhausted and need a break
    But what should I get my kiddie
    Maybe I’ll just give him a little money
    The kiddie and the wifey want freebies
    And we’re living in a damn capitalist economy!
    They’re a bunch of cold blooded democrats
    I believe that Trump’s the man, you WORK to become an aristocrat
    Anyhow I’m stuck in this marriage with shops all around me
    I’ll think I’ll sing a line from Hey Jude
    “When I find myself in trouble mother Mary comes to me”
    Wait that’s Let it Be

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. I’ve been told off for making these always political. So this week no direct reference but I can’t rule out a subliminal message. Can you spot it.

    *

    Blimey the adverts have started already

    Only just done Halloween I’m so unready

    Reindeers standing where the tinned soup used to be

    I only want some food for dinner not a giant inflatable Christmas tree

    Santa hats seem to have replaced my usual supply of herbal tea

    *

    Jingle bells bellows out on loop from the supermarket speakers

    Ornamental singing elves more important than things like carpet sweepers

    Hilarious festive ties are everywhere all playing an out of tune carol

    Nearly every aisle is full of wine and spirits and lager by the barrel

    Suddenly the only cheese you can buy must contain apricots and cranberries

    Over priced selection boxes become the only source of confectionaries

    Nuts by the bucket full no good for delicate tummies like that of Gary’s

    *

    Is it too much to ask for one roll on not those annoying Old Spice Gift sets

    Suddenly on every corner you see stacks of Home Alone Video Cassettes

    *

    All the shop staff are forced to be decked out as Santa’s little helpers

    *

    Gone are the discounts as it’s full pricing in all its splendour

    It’s a crime not to stock up for that big day in December

    To much much for me as it’s still just pigging November

    Liked by 1 person

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