You all might be in the wrong career, because these terrible commercial jingles were so hilarious they were almost too good to win!

But, of course we need a winner! And that is:

Untitled piece

by Matt Snyder

If you got an awful case of halitosis
From devouring Garlic and limburger
And dang your breath is atrocious
Then have a chew
On our wintry minty gum called Goo
And know that you did stink
Its not just some psychosis.
Goo Gum available in cherry, watermelon, orange and blue

Congratulations, Matt! You are the most terrible poet of the week!

It’s credit to everyone’s creativity and awfulness (that verged on great skill) that I read through all the poems several times. Matt’s stuck out for its changing meter and messed-up rhyming patterns, as well as a bit of help from its topic.

‘Twas a close contest, though. See what I mean:

Untitled piece

by Trent P. McDonald

Smoke the cig that’s the best
Go ahead and forget the rest!
It’s your life we try to fit
Even though we shorten it by a little bit
Everyone will know you are cool
(While we kill and rob you like a fool)
A great product that tastes like dung
And destroys every cell of your lung!
So go ahead and take a toke
Of our great name brand smoke!

—–

Buy our cat food

by Bruce Goodman

Cat food! Cat food! Buy our Cat food!
Be a cool dude and buy our Cat food!
I don’t want to be rude
But other brands of Cat food
Aren’t as goo-ed.

It’s more than they could wish
When you put it in their Cat food dish.
So fill those hungry tummies
With Cat food that’s yummy.

Cat food! Cat food! Buy our Cat food!
Be a cool dude and buy our Cat food!

When you’ve finished feeding those hungry boys
Let’s hope there’s something left over for the Cat.

—–

Untitled piece

by Geoff LePard

We can stick it up our noses
We can rub it on our gums
We can sprinkle it like sugar
And lick it with our tongues

It’s dusty white and naughty
It doesn’t carry tax
It’s far less calorific
Than your average Pepsi Max.

The moral of this ditty
Is when you go for broke
Ignore all other stimulants
And stick with good old Coke

—–

Plant the Seed

by Annette Rochelle Aben

Enjoy a healthy cleansing poo
When you eat the seed of ancient Peru
It was used to grow hair on heads of terra cotta
Now, people eat it to help them poop a lotta
You can find it in most stores throughout North America
This tiny little powerhouse known as CHIA!
(Cleans you out without emptying out your wallet)

©2020 Annette Rochelle Aben

—–

Fast Food, Fast Fat

by Peregrine Arc

Oh what’s the best solution to a dietary convolution?
Why the things that make your taste buds scream!
Designed by evolution to make your constitution stronger than any in this here institution.
It’s fats, oils and salts, delivered in abundance by your friend and pal, Ray Kroc!
Come on over, you’ll get addicted to the sugar;
Twenty years of your life–taken!–and diabetes is what we’ll serve ya!
So come on down and oh, have a bite
It’s the devil’s way of having a res-pite.

—–

Untitled piece

by Makeshiftdriver

You don’t got time to waste
So we better just cut to the chase
Get a load of our spackling paste!
Hey!

Fill a hole or fix your wall
It’s a wonder you don’t just use it all
On a hole that you punched in your hall-
Way!

So grab some spackling paste today!
Okay!

—–

Untitled piece

by Trent P. McDonald

When Mother
Talks to Jupiter
Or one of its moons

And you see your brother
Out back
Answering the loons

Show them you care
Dress them in style

We hold them dear
With fabric by the mile

Don’t go for half
Nelson’s is best!

Tailors of craft
Fuller than the rest

So when another
family member
Croons

From the cover
Of uranium enriched
Dunes

Don’t throw them in a sack-ette
Put them in a Nelson’s
Full Straight Jacket!

—–

Vanish

by Gary

For that time when the runner has gone thud
And his clothes are covered in filthy mud
When soap and water won’t do the job
And that runner doesn’t want to look a slob
In need of rescue after that mossy wall
Which hero are you going to call?
With just 5 scoops your colours will banish
But that mud will be gone thanks to VANISH.

—–

Fine Print Is For Schmucks

by H.R.R. Gorman

If you wanna know the future
It’ll cost you just a kidney!
We predict you’ll trust our sutures
So pick up those phones and dial
Bob’s Psychics and Organ Donors!

—–

Life ain’t fair

by Martyn

Disaster strikes, the dragons breath, has melted all the snow,
The Christmas tree was turned to ash, but why we just don’t know.
People now seem scared of him, they hide under the table.
he cooks the “pud” and they all clap, you can’t believe this fable.
John Lewis though, don’t really care, they’re advert looks quite funny.
Excitable Edgar might win hearts. it’s the store that gets the money.

—–

Thank you so much for your contributions!! Come back tomorrow around 10 a.m. MST for next week’s theme.

Matt: D. Wallace Peach created this graphic that you can use (if you want) for a badge of honor as the winner:

©2020 The respective authors, and their poems