How do I love thee? I don’t think you want to know… What you will want to know is whom to avoid this V-Day when considering requesting a sonnet.
For, this week’s winners of the most terrible poetry are:
Be still my swell-ed heart
by Shake’s peer (aka Doug Jacquier)
I did but see her glassy-eyed, astride
her pied ride as she wended to her home,
sighing in her saddle set to the side,
clutching her cask of wine to her bos-ome.
Full sore my lovesick heart (and other parts) swell’d
as Cupid’s arrow shrived my mortal soul
and I resolved to plight my troth once held
by the Fair Youth at my watering hole.
Dark Lady, I fulsome cried, be my bride
and let us to Lethe flee and there be wed.
She fix-ed me full-faced but gimlet-eyed
and intoned words that ‘minded of the dead.
“Marry, not marry, for I’m wed to Sid
but your other needs, whatsay twenty quid?”
Let Me Be Your Sponge Mop
Girl let me be your sponge mop
just squeeze me and I’m ready to pop
full of moist love for you
I know you feel the same way too
Let me be your sponge mop
I’ll absorb your tears once they drop
I know you often have to cry
when you’re finished, just squeeze me dry
So let me be your sponge mop
and after we’re done, I’ll still be your sop
but just don’t leave me to dry in your bucket too long
just wet me sometimes, and I’ll spring back to life on song
The rest of the contestants, save one that is too sweet to be terrible, were so very very close to all being named winners. Yes, I’ve chickened out and done that before. I finally decided to give Doug’s poem the recognition it deserves; not only did he sonnet, but he took it to the form and the language. Joanne -well… Joanne, that was too terrible to ignore.
I laughed and laughed and cringed at the rest. Read, and enjoy:
by Abject Muse
Love is like a dirty sock.
You smell it a mile away
stealthily hiding beneath a rock.
But you turn it over anyway
to find bugs and maggots crawling ’round
but you don’t mind the stinky bouquet
because it’s love you finally found.
Love is like a thug
jumping on you in the dark
beating the crap out of your heart
and leaves you smiling in a pool of blood.
Wondering what will happen next?
You get a nasty screw-you text.
And Then Sometimes…
Love can feel just right
until the day you realize
you were blinded by the phony light
of truths turned into stinking lies.
You feel foolish and oh, so dumb!
And then your heart fades to numb.
by Deb Whittam
I love you like a bee loves beer
I love you like red wine loves white carpet
I love you in so many ways
Even when you have the audacity to sneer.
I love you like a wedding and diarrhea
I love you like two years old and hearing aids
I love you in so many ways
Though I may seem obsessive I swear there’s nothing to fear.
Ok yes I strangled a wife back long ago
But she was not what she seemed
And yes I pushed one off a cliff
But she just wouldn’t stop with the cheer
And anyway it is you I love now
So bite back those tears
Of joy and come here
I ran this bath just for you my dear.
The Morning of My Love
How doth the blush of dawn speak of passion
The celestial glow turning all to bright pink
The shade of your bare behind in fashion
Turns my mind to lust…, I mean love, yeah love, I think
My blood pressure rises with that ornery star, the sun
Is it your fair face in that morning glow bursting my heart
Or is it that I forgot my medicine that makes my blood pressure undone?
Uhm, yeah, your face, uhm, really, your face makes the racing of my heart start
Maple syrup on pancakes is not as sweet as thy
(I love bacon too, but is it a compliment to compare you?)
No taste from the nectar of your honey lips and I will die
(Or am I thinking of coffee, without which I can’t make do?)
My heart is a sailor to take fair warning
Of you arriving bright red in this stormy morning
The Prickly Pear
My love is like a prickly pear
Stuck inside my underwear
Its bittersweet pain reminds me
this love was not meant to be.
Yet on we go, the sting ignored
until we both got really bored.
And so one day, we parted ways
in spite of sometimes happy days.
As for that old prickly pear,
It’s no longer in my underwear.
That nasty sting forever gone
just like my love, forever wrong.
I love milk chocolate, smooth and creamy thick
Could eat a houseful, yummy brick by brick
Till gorged by cocoa, melty-warm and slick
Pure liquefied indulgence makes me sick…
The Green Love
My love for you is like pickles, my dear
You’re like a giant pickle yourself.
Wrinkled, vinegary, tart and you make my mouth pucker
But frogs, my dear–consider
Will never croak our love ballads out the way you do
Birds fall out of the sky, dead at your winsome, cat crying tones.
Screams! My love for you is but a ballad of curled beards
Curled like your toes made of mahogany wood
Oh my dear, I sigh in love
Like a dill pickle.
my ears assailed, your comments so cruel
in my head I can question my own name
its not the satnav who you overrule
you get jealous of the voice they call jane
and so you may explore the world my love
bravely taking strange roads in our motor
me never knowing the heading, sort of
to the sounds of my poetry quota
for you I recite some favourite keats
or try some sonnets from the bard shakespeare
let it travel, sent with love twixt the seats
if it deters you from slapping my ear
we smile, home, I dare not to sabotage
car, at last, nice and warm in the garage
How Do I Love Thee
Do I love thee, you really want to know?
Like those idyllic, serene summer days,
when I see your face I begin to glow,
for in truth your face looks like mayonnaise.
As I stare deeply at your sleeping eyes
I wonder just what the hell I’m doing.
I think about my friends, those lucky guys
and wonder if another wife I shouldn’t be pursuing.
I can’t write you a sonnet. I can’t even kiss you. Specifically speaking: no serenely stormy split second spit-sticking smack on the shoulder. Nay, you naughty nonsignificant, knotty-nosed, norepinephrine-needing nudnik. Never no nibbles upon thine neck.
Forsooth (for anyone if soothe isn’t available) free me from this foul fraudulence.
Alas, you stir and turn your black orbs, dripping with eye boogers and brimming with heated demonic lust to mine. Those haunted eyes that lured me to seemingly eternal wedded
You part your pulpy lips, an invitation to one innocent sensual deep kiss
as sweet as molasses
Lost, I ignored what was amiss
and I find myself once again in . . .
. . . an abyss.
Your morning breath –
– ugh . . .
Good morning, my love.
Happy Valentine’s Day, my treasure.
(No, not next to you) Next to you is there any other way?
How I do love thee…
Note: this is not based on a true story.
Roll over Shakespeare
My love is like a bike ride on a beach
The wheels sink down in sand and I get wedged
I’ll ne’er arrive where you picnic out of reach
I feel so dumb and underprivileged.
If I had walked towards you and not biked
I’d be with you on the beach eating stuff out of your picnic hamper
Chicken drumsticks is what I would have liked
But stuck in sand means to you I cannot scamper.
The tide is drawing in, the waves are crashing
Soon my bike will sink below the surf.
Obviously my love will take a thrashing
And I’ll lose the thing I most desire on earf.
Alas I’m drowning in the sea, my Honey,
And you think getting my bike stuck in sand is funny.
Will you not accept my love dear Bruce?
I doubt I offer Frankincense, myrrh or gold
But excuse me! Allow me to be bold!
Don’t I give you olive oil massages and spruce
You up, when you attend meetings?
Don’t I grease those aching joints with love?
And all I get is tomato soup from the stove!
Excuse me! I stay up all night to write you season’s greetings!
Now, I might not write Goodman gore but I’m not dumb
I know you use this clown
Just for his party nose and bum
Damn it! what rhymes with clown!
But these are lines of love still
Written while I sit on Bruce Goodman’s windowsill (is the table next to the window the sill?)
Love is Unattainable
Roses are red
The pain in my head
Makes me giddy
Chocolate can’t compete
My stomach is churning with butterflies
I love you to the toilet and back
Will you be mine?
Missing the warmth of your dear sweet love
Valentines goes on which annoys me, kind of
Feeling unloved as our romance is no more
Will get as many cards as a grumpy Wild Boar
No red roses for me sat on my sofa for one
No lovers wine to drink as I’m suffering a dry run
Can’t even have chocolate as I’m currently dairy free
So sat here writing of love with a bloody black tea
Trying to find ways to avoid pigging Valentines Day
Maybe games of solitaire and a stinging nettle bouquet
Mr Grouchy sat here with love sadly deserting me
Nursing a snotty nose and an annoying sore old knee
So Valentines is coming and I’m enduring all those red rose adverts
Well excuse me if I say to me it’s all a huge pile of steaming turds.
My love, as the still light shines on your lice
Ah, I smell the onions matted on your breath.
What else? Your nose hairs are threads to soon slice,
And when I leave I thank god I didn’t retch.
My beloved, a shore of love passes through me
When I do catch whiff of your gastro winds,
They move like the barnacles on your knees
Oh, as I stroke the maggots off your skin!
Your eyes are red as a blowfly’s
Your ears are clouded with wax opaque spots
Your lips hoofed with your special spoiled meat pie
Beloved, you smell worse than Death’s trots.
As I lie in bed and think, lord what else?
My chest rises in warbling warmth and I melt.
My beloved, I curse the day I said yes to you,
It was my prerogative, no doubt
It could have been sooner my beau
I so fell in love with your pout!
You are the inspiration for this third class verse,
My love for you colours my vision for better or worse!
If I could only tell you
I wait for the night to hear your voice,
every day to see your face.
Your charm’s got a hold on me,
even when you are not around.
Your voice makes me feel you right next to me.
You make the distance seem an arm’s length away.
I may not tell you how I feel,
Fear of losing you has weighed in on my fragile mind.
I’m a coward to my feelings,
Alone wandering in my thoughts of you.
My mind knows you more than my lips,
The tip of my pen more than my words.
My thoughts run rampant on you.
They halt on interventions.
They halt when my mind gets busy.
My mind stays stagnant at your smile.
My heart would want you nearby.
Only to love you,
Only to take care of you,
Never to leave you.
If I could only tell you,
How much you colored my world.
How much you made for long for you
How much I’d dream of falling into your arms
Thank you all for the painful laughs! Come back tomorrow around 10 a.m. MST for next week’s topic.
Doug and Joanne: D. Wallace Peach created this graphic that you can use (if you want) for a badge of honor as the winner:
Yes, Doug, I’m working on a new graphic. Still.
©2020 The poets and their respective poems