Well! Last time I hosted a Little Willie poetry contest, I felt most of the entrants didn’t quite grasp the concept -or were too afraid to twist poetry that morbidly. I can safely say that was not the case this time around.
But, first, the winners:
Mrs. Bobbit’s Revenge
Their wedded bliss was well-famed
But Little Willie’s oats were untamed
So like any good wife
She took out a knife
And now Little Willie is very well-named.
Willie said, “This kitchen work’ll
make me walk around in circles”
His mother answered, “One word more
and I’ll nail your other foot to the floor”
As I said, these were some fantastic entries: disturbing, clever, sad, and uncomfortable. I felt both Doug and Charles did the best at hitting those marks, plus adding a bit of the play-on-words typically present in the Little Willies.
Before readers dive into the remaining poems, a rating warning is in order. Some of these delve into PG-13 territory, quite possibly because of an alternate slang for Willie that some seemed to remember. You’ve been warned:
by Matt Snyder
Little Willie on a whim
shed his clothes for a swim
In murky water up to his chin
the leeches and piranhas had a delectable din-din
Willie caught his boot laces in a harvester machine
He was sucked in and minced all the way up to his spleen
At the time they were collecting tomatoes
So next hamburger you eat watch out for Willie’s toes.
Basket of cherries
With one red yew berry
Little Willy went upsy daisy.
by Matt Snyder
Little Willie was gluttonous for ham
Shoved it down his throat with both hands
Found himself choking on a bone
Little Willie’s wife, now finds herself alone
Full Steam Ahead
by Matt Snyder
Little Willie laid a penny on a track one day
“I want a flat penny!” He would say
One day a train came barreling from behind
Little Willie’s casket cost his family one fat dime
One for the birds
by Matt Snyder
Little Willie meant to mow the lawn
Instead he lay about in the grass with one big yawn
With one fell swoop a hawk did come
carrying Willie away to feed her young
Fourth of July 21 Cannon Salute
A lively celebration, it must be said
And poor little Willie lost his head
Checking for a cannonball when the big gun was lit
He had a quick peek inside of it
Fooling his sister Willie played a trick
And jumped out the window, lickity-split
I guess he reaped what he sowed
When at 90 mph he hit the road
Little Willie bites the proverbial dust
Oh, Edward Gorey did not write in vain
For results of his musing continue to remain.
Little Willie, par exemple, best of a miserable lot
Who wasn’t as immortal as once it was thought.
He decided to surf, via the subway train
His complete self, ‘twas never seen again.
Requiring the smallest coffin to be bought
Tickets to his funeral very much sought.
Requiesce in pace, paulo Willie (
New York Rat.
Little Willie was afraid of mice;
He laid in bed nearly suffice,
His head on the pillow felt oddly flat,
As it was actually an obese New York rat.
Little Willie rode his bike,
And as he rode, he spiked
Over a rock, and as he flocked
Didn’t see the oncoming car as it honked…
Little Willie had some scissors,
His mother said don’t cut into smithers,
Well, one day Little Willie realized he had five fingers
Some say to this day four on the ground still linger.
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Little Willie, with all the courage he could muster,
Said he’d prove he could be like a Ghostbuster.
So he put on a sheet so that he’d blend in;
But when he saw the ghost in the mirror, he died there and then.
Willie heard of these things they call “blanks”
So he stuffed in a gun’s barrel, as part of a prank,
A wad of some paper, so it would just be a scene.
Unfortunately, he forgot to empty the magazine.
There once was a kid named Willie
He asked a stranger to take him to Philly
The stranger said he was craving a cheesesteak…
But that “you’ll do” — and then he ate.
A Hair-raising Story
Cried an actor ‘My hair is demented”
So off to the barber he went-ed
The poor little sod
chose evil Mr. Todd
Thus were Lovett’s ham burgers invented.
An Axe To Grind
Lizzie lived with her step-mum and dad
An arrangement she could not accustom
So one day, when feeling ever so sad,
She took an axe and she de-gutsed ‘em.
Willie, oh willy!
Why does it sound so silly?
Don’t burst my bubble,
I know it sounds terrible!
silly old willie
silly old willie
ate a very hot chilli
burned up his gut
now his ar** won’t shut
willie walked, happy chappy
until he met a croc, all snappy
all teeth, no action, willie was safe
until he died from an infected chafe
willie is dead
totally brown bread
what did for him most
was how hot he did toast
dismal weather, constant rains
so willie plays some indoor games
solitaire, patience and a bit of snap
but fatally caught by a better mousetrap
willie wound up his dragon lizard
nervously the lizard quivered
he pulled its tail, it was a game
until our willie was aflame
Sprightly Little Willie led the foot race
Only to tread on his loose lace,
A face plant spoiled any winning chance-
In last place, in disgrace, in soiled underpants.
Little Willie went to work
Thought it was OK to twerk
Office mates could only smirk
When Little Willie went berserk
Little Willie liked to jump
And usually landed on his rump
This time he landed on his head
Poor Little Willie is surely dead.
Little Willie is a gem
His mama took his pants to hem
the needle fell into his eye
Now he’s blind and cannot cry.
Can you see him, Little Willie?
Isn’t he acting silly?
He was bad and he did drugs
Now he owes his life to thugs.
In the kitchen pots are hot
Little Willie thinks its not
Now his skin is burned and charred
Little Willie is forever scarred.
Little Willie isn’t nice
Turning things into ice.
He put himself in the chest
Now he is frozen to death.
A Grave Realisation
Little Willie heard a voice
Emanating from his toys:
“Dig a hole for Mum and Dad,
They’re starting to smell rather bad.”
Little Willie went to Cape Town
His actions made his mother frown
He took a chameleon from the pet shop
and on its body did gleefully hop
The owner replied by knocking him down.
Little Willie snuck out one night and did a pee
In the cupboard where his mother couldn’t see
The next day the towels smelled quite rank
So he threw them in the septic tank
Mother longs for the day, when from him she’ll be free
Lighten up Willie
Taking his hand from his pocket
The lad put a finger in the socket.
Little Willie didn’t care
He only wanted Einstein hair.
Poor little Willie lived in England but was an immigrant
Posh Boris didn’t like Willie so his deportation was imminent
But Willie worked in a Care Home looking after the sick
But Boris didn’t care because he’s such an uncaring slippery dick.
Little Willie hit a bump
Riding on a camel’s hump
Got a blow between his legs
I wish it had been Trump
SEX ED. 101
Little Willie turned eighteen
so his father bought him a car.
As he handed him the keys
He said “Son, drive fast; drive far.”
Willie headed for Hollywood
to become a movie star
but at acting he was no damn good
and he ended up tending bar.
One night there came a woman
who ordered cherry cola
He asked her for her name
she replied simply,. “Lola.”
“Ah! The man can spell!
“Let’s get married, Lola.”
“Okay, what the hell!”
Due to inexperience
Little Willie soon discerned
There really is no difference
between boys boys and girls.
by My Son
Willie Willie is so silly
Too bad that that is dead Willie.
Thank you all for entering. I hope you had fun! Return tomorrow at 10 a.m. MST for next week’s topic.
Doug and Charlcot: I have a new badge you can post, if you want, to brag about your writing skills:
©2020 The poets and their respective poems