I’m not what people think. I’m not good or positive or responsible or noble. I’m not happy. I am not just a –anything –THAT is the only fire that kindles my passion.

Every day, I walk the world in intentional numbness. I fog emotion so as to dampen disappointment. I blur reality to handle it. I am not alive. I am not real. My optimism persists in the hope of a future change or an alternate reality.

In a someday.

Yet every day I grow older and fatter and less cognizant. The world of my imagination will never be.

The world is only taxes and dishes and children. The world is not mine to seize anymore; it’s those children’s. I’ve waited too long for me.

All that’s me is a memory, and a mom in a minivan.

Goodbye.

(I’m unplugging for a bit. I’ll post the poetry stuff, for sure; not certain what else, besides.)

49 thoughts on “

  1. ellenbest24 March 8, 2020 / 5:27 pm

    I am only a short woman, a sometimes overwhelmed one, that fights her daemons from her glass half full of water. I try to be the best me and succeed in the way only I can. Kind and patient trying to understand. Sometimes it slips above my grasp a grasp too far to reach. So I try to be the best me … one who doesn’t judge or preach. X fogged glass through which we see fragments of you and me.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Doug Jacquier March 8, 2020 / 6:23 pm

    Nay, nay, our Divine Ms. O, a thousand times nay, until I’m hoarse. Your service to bringing out all the poisons that are in the mud of terrible poetry is all that keeps many of us able to escape our own numbness. You are just as real and alive as those children in the minivan and they are part of your goodness, positivity, responsibility and nobility. Ride not into the sunset of abandoned dreams but greet the dawn of the ever-emerging you that will always be there.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. D. Avery @shiftnshake March 8, 2020 / 7:39 pm

    Um, Chelsea? It’s still there for you. I’m older and fatter so I know. I also know it looks better in the morning. (Though I dont)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Lisa R. Howeler March 8, 2020 / 7:39 pm

    Um…I hope this is fiction and that you are okay? You are still there! Even with the children. I hope you are okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pam Webb March 8, 2020 / 9:02 pm

    What does this post mean? It’s a little concerning. Are you okay?

    Liked by 1 person

      • Pam Webb March 10, 2020 / 10:43 am

        Okay—hang in there, Chelsea. You are a bright spot and I hope you get rejuvenated. Looking forward to your posts when you are ready.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Norah March 9, 2020 / 1:38 am

    That’s too sad, Chelsea. We can get very caught up in our ‘mum-ness’ sometimes and it doesn’t seem as if we have our own identify any more. But it’s still there, Chelsea, waiting patiently for your moment to come once again. Which it will.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Violet Lentz March 9, 2020 / 3:23 am

    I refuse to click ‘like’, but am instead quietly composing my thoughts on this. You can expect to hear from me soon….

    Liked by 1 person

  8. masercot March 9, 2020 / 3:33 am

    We all wait too long, Chelsea. Our dreams seem small after we see the faces of our children…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. joanne the geek March 9, 2020 / 5:46 am

    I hope you’re okay. I feel like that a lot too. I do enjoy reading your posts. So please take care of yourself, and hopefully we will all see you again soon ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Heather Dawn March 9, 2020 / 6:44 am

    It sounds like you feel as I did after my fifth child. I was so alone, miserable and depressed. I’m so sorry you feel this way, I remember these feelings so clearly. Those years were the hardest of my life. Please be assured that there is NOTHING wrong with YOU! These feelings are very normal for a mother, especially the first few years after giving birth. It does get better. Just hold on!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chelsea Owens March 10, 2020 / 10:36 am

      Oh, Heather. I just felt like I can’t be as good as you and say it all doesn’t matter as much as my family…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Heather Dawn March 10, 2020 / 12:38 pm

        I haven’t always felt like I do now. And honestly, I may not always feel this way either. Life is full of disappointments and joys and everything confusing in between. You don’t have to FEEL a certain way to be a great person/mother💗

        Liked by 2 people

  11. Lisa Bradshaw March 9, 2020 / 8:22 am

    You certainly are an everything and you certainly make a whole lot of our worlds better with your writing.. Take Care xx look after yourself..

    Liked by 1 person

  12. obbverse March 9, 2020 / 2:09 pm

    A blue day for sure, but spring is here. That’s worth a watery smile, surely.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ms D. March 10, 2020 / 3:37 pm

    Not going to “like” this but also not going to judge it. We all have our tough days/times. Sending you light.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Nitin Lalit March 14, 2020 / 12:10 am

    This is a wonderfully written heart-wrenching post. Idealism dies as you grow older and even inspiration doesn’t visit you like it once did. But having said that, everyone is beautiful at each stage of their lives regardless of what they’re facing. Well, there are exceptions to the rule like despots, etc. And by beauty I don’t mean good. I mean being a sum of good and bad experience that keeps that inner clock ticking. So write, read, learn and act Chelsea. That’s the least we can do.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. msnyder1970 March 18, 2020 / 7:13 pm

    i wish i had words
    you are quite a ray of sunshine
    even if all of what you are on the inside is black
    baby steps, Chelsea…do what you need to do for you
    because you definitely matter
    dear friend ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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