The Final Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Chel Owens

One day, after reading newbies’ usual attempts at poetry and also feeling bored out of my mind at a son’s Tae Kwon Do training, I introduced the Terrible Poetry Contest.

This will be hilarious, I thought, And so easy. Too many writers churn out cliché sonnets and frenetic free-verse, so entrants will love it. As a bonus, I’ll be able to demonstrate what not to do in a funny way!

Despite my confidence, I realized the need for a follow-up explanation right after. Despite that, I routinely reminded contestants to tone down the talent. Despite all that, many contests produced FANTASTIC and clever results.

You’ve been wonderful. You’ve been terrible. I’ve loved it all. Thank you.

With happy memories and enough bad poetry to keep us giggling, I’ve decided ’tis time to discontinue. This week is the last terrible poetry contest of them all, nearly a year and a half after we began.

  1. Topic: A bittersweet farewell to something completely ridiculous.
  2. Length: You choose.
  3. Rhyming: For old time’s sake, rhyme in the worst possible places.
  4. Make it terrible!
  5. Rating: PG or cleaner.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (May 1) to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous for a week.

If not, and for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. Please let me know if your pingback or poem do not show up within a day.

Have fun. Seriously. And tell your friends. Let’s go out with a parade!

woman s right hand

Photo by Wendy Wei on Pexels.com

Alas, Poor Ramen

I thought you
were
but

Ramen. and MSG, of course

but
then

i

saw

you didn’t have MSG
after i tasted you, you aren’t coarse,
So, my
Tangled Mass oF dreams
Sunlight steaming, through crying raindrops

against

my

sink

course

And tears
I put you down the drain

with the eggs and fridge stuff that stunk
alas, why do I throw away what I love??
and then I ground you up

Poetically
Of course

©2020 Chelsea Owens

84 thoughts on “The Final Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest”

  1. Oh Cap’n! My Cap’n
    Must we say goodbye?
    Just a year after we said hi?
    Oh Cap’n! My Cap’n

    This game gave me intellectual game
    Makin me smart and stuff, ya know
    But now, to whom shall my game I show
    Things will never be the same

    Good times we did share
    Of laughs and more laughter
    They made me merry and smarter
    Friends did hug and care
    But alas, ‘tis time to sit on the rafter
    And say, “Oh Cap’n, ‘tis an end to chatter.”

    *Sad violins play in the distance while the sky turns crimson, and motes of dust circle the bed. It’s lonely here on the rafter*

    Goodbye TPC! Until we meet again in some bar where some seedy bard challenges the other bearded patrons to a verbal duel. Thank you for the memories Chelsea!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I refuse to press like, mostly, because it is not that long since I found you and made a connection with some of the gang. I do not like! but hope to keep in touch. This group of virtual friends has lifted my spirits and made me laugh until my knickers became damp. (artistic interpretation not fact) This spot has helped me focus, when hugs are few and a quick quip off the tongue is so much better a disguise to wear. although I do understand, I could not have managed, teens and babies and blogging and teaching, cleaning and caring on top of the strange fears all around. You are doing good, you will be missed and I wish you and yours the best lives. x

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Fare Thee Well 😭😭😭

    Oh the heartbreak that is inside my heart
    A song of mourning as we part…
    Mourning all the better things,
    The things that life used to bring(s)…

    Fare thee well!
    My good memories of times meeting with friends and family and people, in groups larger than ten.
    Fare thee well!

    Also to soap and cleaners…
    Oh how I smell!

    Also farewell to buses, and haircuts and my favorite pair of pants which now fits far too snug. (Because of all the food I’ve eaten).

    Fare thee well. To the hug. (Which I never loved in the first place, but now I think I could face)

    Fare thee well to the world I once knew,
    The one where we could find wipes by the loo,
    Where shoppers could walk two by two,
    Where kids could go to and from the zoo,
    The one that didn’t feel quite as blue,
    And I didn’t have to eat roadkill stew,
    Or have to speak two meters away from you,
    Wow lots of words to rhyme with “ooo”!!!

    And fare thee well to a contest I never did win,
    For poetry terribleness was not within,
    But I give thee one last try,
    Before I have to say good bye.
    And on and on and on life goes
    Ever changing, keeping me on my toes….

    Fare thee well, to really bad poems.

    By: Heather Dawn

    Liked by 5 people

  9. Tai Kwon Doo
    Doobie-doobie-do
    Bye TFWTPC
    Deedle-deedle-dee
    The fat lady sings
    Fa-fa-fa-le-la-la-oomph!
    Who brought an opera singer
    to the martial arts?
    do-do-do-dah-do
    call an ambulance
    (but nothing rhymes with ambulance)
    well then call a dentist
    (you’re not making this easy)
    how about an MD?
    tweedle-deedle-dee.

    Liked by 5 people

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  16. The Last One! It’s been a great run, Chelsea. Thanks so much for all the fun.

    Farewell! Thou art too ripe for my whiffing,
    And alas alas, thou can’t thyself sniffing,
    The perfume of thy boudoir gives little easing;
    When my love for thee is nose deceasing.
    And of that odor, why am I deserving?
    Your fair halitosis has left me unnerving,
    And so my face turned away is breathing.
    Tell me, how do I hold thee while wheezing
    Thou gavest thy kiss with exhaling and blowing,
    Oh me, my mistaking, I must be going;

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you kindly, Chelsea. I’m assuming you made your selection and will head right over. Kudos to you for this wonderful contest. I didn’t participate as much as I would have liked to, but I loved reading the hilarious terrible poetry of your followers. What a riot. Well done.

        Liked by 1 person

  17. I can barely type (and I never type bare) for my teeth gnashing and wailing at the sinking of this Titanic of Terribility. An Ode to the anodyne Ms. O is the least/best thing I can do. https://sixcrookedhighwaysblog.wordpress.com/2020/04/27/an-ode-to-the-anodyne-ms-o/

    Bring a ring o’ poeters,
    A pocket full of poseurs,
    A tissue (of terribility) at issue
    And we all fell down.

    A bunch of us numpties, with almighty gall,
    Us proletarian-lumpy had a great fail
    All Chelsea’s exhortations to fracture our pens
    Ended in the dumpster time and time again.

    But the fighter inside ‘er will eventually out
    Back will come her brain and give the spiders
    Gout from the sun-dried tomatoes that on her pizza reign,
    And, Owen to her zeitgeist, she’ll re-rack us once again.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. That’s too bad… I rather enjoyed coming in from time to time and reading the possibly-not-quite-so-terrible-as-they-ought-be poems…

    Alas, poor poems, I knew them well
    Perhaps a few belonged in hell
    Far too many made angels LOL
    When people tried to be bad, and very short fell…

    Liked by 3 people

  20. I will participate (how could I miss the final one!?), but I wanted you to know that while thinking of ideas, I came up with some horrible ones in such bad taste that they shalt never be used.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. In the Can

    Parting is such sweet sorrow
    I wished to keep you
    Till the morrow
    But I ate what you held
    My hunger
    Now is quelled
    So you have no use
    And I dare not set
    You loose
    For you’ll end up in a tree
    Or worse yet
    In the sea
    You might kill a turtle or a fish
    Or bird might think
    You’re a tasty dish
    I will mourn you gone, it’s true
    I really, really
    Really wanted to keep you
    But the problem is, by far
    I ate your innards
    The candy bar
    And since your fabric I tore
    (My self-restraint went out the door)
    I have no use for you
    Any more

    Thanks for all of the fun, Chelsea – I really enjoyed trying my hand at some awfulness and reading the results of other others being terrible…

    Liked by 2 people

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  28. A Farewell Cha cha

    Chelsea says: Remember everything I taught cha
    Even though it’s torture.
    Cha cha cha.

    She’ll tell you how to write a terrible poem
    Even if you’re a gnome.
    Cha cha cha.

    We’ve had a lot of fun along the way,
    With Chelsea giving her decision every Friday.
    Cha cha cha.

    Over the year I’ve tried to make every poem suck
    But sometimes I find it well-nigh impossible to be dreadful. Like now.
    Cha cha cha.

    You made us dance our way in and dance out way out.
    I don’t have a clue what this poem’s about?
    Cha cha cha.

    So thank you Chelsea, farewell to the terrible,
    I’m doing my best to make this poem absolutely horrible.
    Cha cha cha.
    Cha cha cha.
    Cha cha cha.
    SPLAT!

    Liked by 2 people

  29. Ah well, Chelsea, all good/bad things must end. Thanks, its been fun.

    A Failure To Communicate.

    All my giddy plans for more overseas travel
    Have begun to chafe and fray and unravel,
    It’s a quiet cruisy life here in the South Pacific
    Where sometimes ‘quiet’ borders on the soporific.

    When you’re stuck down in the Shaky Isles
    A month of lonely lockdown has its trials,
    Here, we’re so far from the madding crowd,
    Here, straying from our bubble is not allowed.

    Netflix only goes so far in breaking the tedium
    And I’ve wearied of the always Right medium
    So I tuned out news of the ever-present Covid,
    Turned off the big screen and gone off the grid.

    But then my trusty Hewlett-Packard packed up
    And how quickly my un-spammed mail backed up,
    Now its a lonely planet to be stuck in on my own
    And I’m slowly losing friends thanks to a fading i-phone.

    So I found it timely to clean out the e-mails-
    Those casual offers to meet consenting females-
    One-off deals guaranteed to double your income-
    Offers to collect a share of a Nigerian’s Princely sum.

    So I trawled my way manfully through my spam,
    I deleted every charitable plea and cheap scam,
    Finally the the excremental electronic dumping was done,
    Then came my first message… would it be a welcome one?

    Qantas called, said my frequent flier miles, set to expire
    Could be honorably exchanged, should I so desire
    For a once in a lifetime trip on a luxury cruise ship-
    I deleted THAT with one indignant finger flip.

    Liked by 1 person

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  31. There has been a fairly common theme in many of my terrible poems – someone called Boris. As he is completely ridiculous then let’s finish with him.


    Oh Boris isn’t it time you went away
    
Surely it’s time for another holiday

    Its only a few months since your last Caribbean jolly
    
How you must miss drinking all that expensive bolly

    Your country is deep in crisis and finds itself in such a terrible mess
    So many mistakes and lapses of judgement, yet you find it impossible to confess


    It’s always someone else’s fault and never your own

    You haven’t managed this pandemic preferring to blame the Eurozone
    
You don’t listen to reason, facts are just ignored

    But you do listen to Cummings, Britains very own evil Sith Lord
    
You only had one aim and that was hard Brexit

    Your getting your way leaving us deep in the shit


    Because of your privileged upbringing you are entitled to rule

    You lead by example, bluffing and acting the fool

    You like all the trappings which goes with being the top man
    
Sadly hard work and emergency meetings is not part of your plan
    
So for the good of your country please take your leave

    Go back to your mansion, don’t worry we won’t grieve


    So I long for the day when you pack your bags and wish No10 a fond farewell
    Go back to your lovely life, do nothing and watch your bank account swell.


    Liked by 1 person

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  35. This is Ze End

    A quiet stage, dark and dusty
    Velvet backdrops, rusted tin cans
    Buzzing of flies, folded gloves
    Last week’s newspaper, all wrong.
    And then a swine in hooves and a tux
    meanders out to center stage and breathes in a huff:
    “Ba-dee, ba-dee, That’s all, Folks!”

    Liked by 1 person

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