R.B.G. and Why It Sucks to Be a Woman

I’ve been living in a hole -not a bad one, mind you. I have all the material comforts, I’ve given birth before my biological clock feels it missed something, and I live in a very safe area.

The recent passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has set me wondering, questioning my cozy hole and how much of it is that cozy. For, despite my ease, I am constantly stressed and depressed at my position as a stay-at-home-mother. I feel trapped by my sex, my children’s well-being, and the overall logic of my being the housewife and mother.

Why did learning about Mrs. Ginsburg’s life open this can of worms? If you ask that question, you haven’t read her Wikipedia page.

By Supreme Court of the United States – Supreme Court of the United States, Public Domain

I tend to get all of my political information from my husband, by choice. I do not like politics, a subject that turns human beings into snarling, glaring dogs -dogs who can talk, naturally, in order to insult each other’s mothers. From Kevin, I heard how Ginsburg was anti-family and pro-abortion. She was liberal. Thank goodness we’ll get another justice soon.

Sound harsh? Don’t raise your hackles until you acknowledge what categories you place political figures in. Yes, categories. CATEGORIES are what drive me mad.

I’ve discussed this subject before, because I do not fit in and I do not like attempts to fit me in. Primarily, today, and in R.B.G.’s tiny but ignominious shadow, I refer to sex (or, gender, if you prefer) .

I recently encountered a female realtor. Dressed in a sheath and high heels, she displayed white, straight teeth and blonde-colored hair. She, like others in the profession, was selling herself. And, as I always do, I hated her for it. I disagree with dressing sexily. Would a male realtor show up in such a getup, displaying cleavage as he outlined the merits of his wares?

I didn’t think so.

I also recently encountered a female repairman. Dressed in long shorts with socks and a company shirt, she smiled occasionally and her hair was short and of a nondescript color. She, like others in the profession, was selling furnace warranties. I marveled at her. She dressed and acted just like the male repairmen we’ve hosted in our basement.

Do you automatically categorize the two women? I do. The first is probably a wife and mother of a few children*, loves romance, and doesn’t know much about her car. The second is a lesbian, likes action movies, and could wire her own house if her cats stayed out of the way**.

Categories, categories, categories. They help us humans in a complex world of other humans. But, they also limit and often diminish those other humans. I feel it. Do you?

But I mentioned Ginsburg. I mentioned women. I mentioned sex.

Ruth Ginsburg is the sort of person I wondered at, as I enjoyed attending any college I wished or voted for whomever I wanted. I’d heard that women didn’t always have the freedoms I enjoyed, historically. I’d heard that women were advised to not go into this career or attend that college on the mere merits of their being born with a uterus. Mrs. Ginsburg’s life story, as I learned, attests to that rumor.

And, frankly, my own husband’s views do as well. While telling me that he values my intelligence and opinions, he simultaneously puts women down for seeking to further themselves academically or professionally. Why? Because family is most important to him, and women who choose school and work do not have large families. Many do not have families at all.

Think he’s wrong? Think he’s outdated and rude and opinionated? Think back to your perceptions of the two women I described. Morever, acknowledge that stereotypes exist because they are accurate; those women are what I described and behave accordingly.

Photo by RF._.studio on Pexels.com

Which brings me to another problem I encounter in my efforts of World Peace and Unity in the face of sexual differences: sexual differences. They are there. Men behave in stereotypical fashions and women behave in stereotypical fashions. There are general intelligence differences. There are anatomical differences, for Pete’s sake! Yet, when I attempt to bring them to surface in order to understand the world, we are (understandably) cautious.

To be fair, stereotypes exist in other categories (categories!!) as well. I enjoy jokes about engineers and play a personal game of guessing which instrument someone plays when s/he asks me (I have a very high rate of accuracy, too!). In that light, why are stereotypes about sex so wrong? Why are they taboo?

Should we ask R.B.G?

“The pedestal upon which women have been placed has all too often, upon closer inspection, been revealed as a cage.”

-Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“Women belong in all places where decisions are being made. It shouldn’t be that women are the exception.”

-Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Women are people, that’s why. We are people who breathe, bleed, feel, and aspire to things. We THINK. Unfortunately, we women are sometimes going about equality as “equality”. We’re sometimes cheating.

Photo by Misha Voguel on Pexels.com. Why is she suggestively resting amongst rope??

The problem, as always, is sex (not the sort that’s gender, this time). I live with all males and prefer talking to males. I know how often this is a factor. When it comes down to males and females, females have the advantage of sex. And, many women are not ashamed to flaunt their attractiveness to gain favors. Hence, my disdain for the realtor and my wonder at the repairwoman.

For, in my perfect world, Ginsburg and women and sex would be nonissues. Merit, intelligence, and performance would be everything. Unfortunately, we humans are not blind nor unfeeling.

Another issue is child-bearing. Women are the only ones who can do it. As part of that package; we have menstrual cycles, fluctuating hormones, pregnancy itself, and a lifelong responsibility to raise what came out of us. This is where I differ from Madame Ginsburg slightly in opinion, since the woman is not making abortion solely her own choice if she decides to keep the baby (I refer to costs of welfare). Still, making and caring for humans is a big deal; someone needs to do it for the future to not suck so badly.

And until surgical techniques improve drastically, that someone is going to be female. Ideally, she’ll be the one from whom the child comes. Why? Attachment issues, darn it.

I have no solution to my problems of fitting out. I have no solution for stereotypical thinking. I have no solution for women like me. What do I have? A respect for people (PEOPLE!!!) like Ruth Baden Ginsburg. Way to be. Not only did she try to be fair, she did so in the face of obviously-sexual discrimination.

Do I agree with everything she said or did? No. That would be silly. That would be a category. What I do agree with is what I said: authenticity, fairness, and merit.

Rest in peace, Madame. May your ideals live on as you intended.

From left to right: Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, (Ret.), Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg & Justice Elena Kagan in the Justices’ Conference Room prior to Justice Kagan’s Investiture. Source.

©2020 Chel Owens

*It’s Utah. Everyone’s married, with children.
**In fact, the repairwoman was also married and had children.

66 thoughts on “R.B.G. and Why It Sucks to Be a Woman

  1. Oh my dear, sweet girl. No wonder you get down! A woman can love her husband and children but until she loves herself and fulfills her own emotional and intellectual passions she is incomplete.
    You are too special to get your political views from anyone but yourself. (Whatever they are, let them be Yours.) my mom and Dad’s votes always cancelled each other out. They didn’t share their choice until after they voted. No fighting. They just let each other decide for themselves.

    I have been a huge fan of RBG my entire adult life. From the moment I graduated college up until now. Each time in the last year when I had a chemo treatment I was motivated by RBG. I thought if she could do it so could I. Her inner strength to stay alive to fight for women and minorities propelled her on. Her commitment to improving the lives of ALL those who did not possess equal status was her passion and she led the way. She was a super hero. Tiny in stature but huge in brains and fortitude. She inspired me to carry on and always fight for my freedoms and rights. As a young divorced mother who was told I couldn’t teach in the public schools because they did not hire divorcees, I didn’t give up because of RUTH. In countless ways I carried on because of this woman. If you get a chance was the movie about her life and you will be amazed at the struggles she overcame. I am bereft at her passing. I fear our courts will not find a soul as pure and fair as hers to replace her.

    According to JEwish Tradition, a person who dies on Rosh Hashanah is a person of great righteousness. And that she was. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. (Blessed is the judge of truth.) May her memory be a blessing.

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    • Lesley!! I’m overjoyed to hear from you. Yes, I would expect you to love Justice Ginsburg; you always fight for what is fair and equal in life. You’re one of my heros. 🙂

      I’m fine developing my own views and we do often vote differently. I do not agree with Kevin on everything (obviously).

      I pray for you and your chemo, and the others I know who are going through all of this. No fun.

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  2. The fact that Kevin said she was antif amily is that based on fact or opinion ? RBG was married and had two children. If she was anti family she would be like my wife and I. Our reason being we just have no interest in being parents and b. My wife is on a lot of meds to stable her mind, any kind of surgery without those life saving meds are a nightmare neither want to face. Also best not to categorize people. The realtor could be a lesbian and the repairwoman could also be married to a man.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am distraught with RBG’s death.

    Just one thing I will mention that I disagree with you about is your categorizing the female plumber as lesbian. Just because a woman does what old fashioned people deem as male, does not make her a lesbian. Now, you may know for sure that she is a lesbian, but I know lots of lesbians that if you judge by how they dress, you would never guess.

    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it is admirable that children have their mother there at home. My mom always had to work out there were five children. Both parents worked, so it usually was always a babysitter, like my one aunt. My aunt when she started her family stayed at home. She felt it was best that the children knew that there was always someone there.
    It doesn’t bother me to see a woman make a career for herself, to feel like she is part of the bigger picture.
    RBG was a different type of icon. It is amazing how many younger people respect her. May she rest in peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We had our entertainment programming interrupted to inform us of RBG’s passing. And the interviews and revelations were amazing. How much she worked for all people. That she did not cook – her husband did. That she was even friends with other male judges that did not share her opinion.

    That even being the top of her law class no one would hire her on her merit. We can only hope that we can get a replacement Justice that is also fair and not just a political puppet. We don’t have to agree on everything. I can only wonder why since there are at least twice as many women in the world why men seem to dominate every profession… except ‘motherhood’. Though even within the past 40 to 50 years men have become better parents.

    RBG… May she rest in peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow. It appears this was a pretty cathartic column to write.

    I agree with much you say. Ginsburg’s life was–like all our lives–good in some ways and disappointing in others. Your husband’s estimation of her sum total achievements is debatable, but shouldn’t be dismissed. Positive: equal rights. Negative: not defending the equal rights of human beings in the first months of their lives. Etc.

    As for your frustration about the burdens of womanhood, all I can say is, “I’m sorry.” It sounds like your life has not been one where you’re wonderful uniqueness has been adequately celebrated.

    In my marriage, for example, we have experienced (so much as possible in this fallen world) God’s promise that the “two become one flesh.” I can’t literally speak for my wife, of course, but because we share nearly identical values, we approach things in strong consensus (despite the fact that our different personalities sometimes opt for different “approaches”).

    On the issue of equal treatment of all people–that’s definitely a biblical principle that Ginsburg championed. I choose, in the days after her passing, to focus on her sincerity and advocacy for some noble values.

    In your statement that you wish “merit, intelligence, and performance [were] everything,” I think you’d agree with my deletion of intelligence from that list… in terms of the fact that IQ is something over which we possess little control. My wife taught special ed and (as I know you agree) it is a beautiful thing to see “modest” accomplishments in the lives of those for whom they are monumental challenges.

    As, as for people who voluntarily diminish their intellect through drug abuse, or by despising education… I have little time for those who prefer to wallow in ignorance.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Many excellent points, Rob. Yes, I disagree with abortion (as mentioned). I’ve not been in the shoes of one for whom that would be a serious consideration, and hope most think very seriously before taking that step.

      Kevin mentions that we don’t seem to share values. It’s a … sticky issue, as you can imagine. I mean, I clearly agree with some things. I’ve carried, produced, and cared for our children. I believe he’s holding out for that lobotomy -er, a change of perspective on my part. Perhaps I am Scarlett of Tara after all.

      That’s so sweet about your wife and her helping SpEd kids. They are remarkable, sweet children. My comments regarding intelligence were in reference to efforts of Ginsburg and others to pave the way for qualified people to be considered for where they qualify. ‘Tis never fair and equal to judge solely on race or sex.

      Yes, we must expand our views and grow our minds.

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  7. Context. RBG died aged 87. The vote for woman was granted 18 years before she was born. That’s progress, but it sure seems slow. She must have spent half her life fighting inequalities. And if I may? Sit down Kevin and have a little two way talk.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Excellent piece, Chelsea. I also see what you see from many of the people around me who rush to categorize others based on little information. Maybe the attractive blonde is a genius, an idiot, or, more likely, somewhere in between. The problem is we tend to rush to judgment about people/issues based on little information. I’m somewhere in the middle, politically speaking, and I have many friends on both sides of the fence. Yet, I see liberal/conservatives and Republicans/Democrats doing the same thing, jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes.

    Not all protestors are violent. Not all cops are bad. Not all businesses are corporate, greedy monsters. I could go on and on. This need to put all things into groups/labels is where we get into trouble.

    As much as we like to put things in groups and labels, I still think that we are far more the same than different. We want our kids to turn out well, a roof over our heads, peace in the world, and somebody to love. Let’s focus on the way we are the same instead of different.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. A very interesting post, Chelsea I enjoyed it from a U.K. point of view. Ruth Ginsberg was such an amazing woman. I like the way you outline your life and your feelings. I was also impressed with all the replies and comments. … More men than women replied? Hang in there and put a hold on the labotomy there’s time for a job if you want one. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thanks for sharing your reflections, Chelsea. Stereotyping is easy but, in reality, none of us fit a stereotype. We are all unique for a myriad of different reasons in a myriad of different ways. It is always reassuring to find someone with whom we can find a connection, just as it is affirming to find how we are uniquely ourselves. RBG was enormously influential and I am thankful for the difference she has made to the world.

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  11. Hmm I sometimes wonder how alike we really are! I also have a husband who prefers me in the home. Indeed, thinking purely of the children’s sake, I agree… it is best for them to have their mother. But I have sometimes hated being a women for it and have wished to be a man. I wanted to be a doctor once, but got pregnant young and have never realistically been able to follow my dreams. If I would, what would the cost be? My marriage? My children’s happy childhood? I figure it’s not worth the cost.
    There’s a lot I can’t change. I guess that’s where contentment comes in. Can I be happy with what I already have? Even if some seasons are gruelling?
    Well my faith tells me it’s possible. And I have experienced it IS possible. But not easy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do believe we are more alike than twins. I also aspired to medical school. My second choice was mechanical engineering. I met a doctor who also owns and runs her own clinic, last year; she has two children and puts them into extracurricular activities.

      Unlike me, your attitude is a very wholesome, accepting one. No matter what the counseling or religious lecturing, I cannot come to the peace of mind you have.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Love this article. I think categories and stereotypes exist to help us cope with copious amounts of information. We need to sort through input somewhat quickly as it hits us. But perhaps the key is to remember to unpack the boxes, not just keep throwing things into them like heaps of dirty laundry. Not move the contents around together as a unit – it’s nigh impossible to appreciate or use a box of things without taking each thing out. We need to sort and re-sort as we get to know people or even ‘types’ of people. Look for their character and merit as individuals. And if some of them choose to be cosmetically beautiful and use sex for power – I guess that’s their character and merit. Personally that doesn’t rank high on my list of ‘things’ to take out of the box and appreciate on their own. I’ll unpack the other folks first to be useful and appreciated in the living room of my world. But to each their own… Perhaps just take ’em out of the box and decide – one by one. Categories are useful for conversation and politics, but life is made by each person making a zillion little decisions. And the only life you can truly make decisions for is your own. Your values are unique to you, and you are your own.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hi Chelsea; read this post with a great deal of interest; I find that categories are limiting and belittling; in effect , categories ‘blur’ into each other anyway; to cast someone in a category can be a subtle way of castigating them, except, of course, when it is affirmative; we are people we are so much more than categories : don’t worry I am getting off my high horse now 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have opined often on my blog that looks discrimination is a problem. I am a man but I am very ugly so I feel like I am the smartest person in the room in most rooms I am in but I can’t do anything about it because no one cares because they just see my ugliness. Sometimes I wonder if this is psychological and if I’d push myself more people would see my smarts and overlook the ugliness. Other times I feel like I could invent a cure for cancer and get up to the podium to tell everyone what it is and everyone would just yell, “Sit down, ugly!”

    If its any consolation, I wouldn’t fall for the realtor. Recently, an ugly friend and I watched The Firm in which Tom Cruise is seduced by a random beach woman to cheat on his wife. While Tom fell for it, my ugly friend and I knew immediately that it was a set up and that the Firm hired the woman so as to get incriminating photos to hold over Tom’s head. So, at least there’s that. I’m so ugly that I will never be hoodwinked by a beautiful woman with ulterior motives because if she comes on to me I will assume she is up to something. In the realtor’s case, I would say well I am ugly so her flirtations aren’t real and she’s just covering up how much this house sucks so on to the next house. Resistance to beautiful woman scams is my only superpower.

    I got sidetracked. Oh, I would say it sounds like from your post you want more from life and if there’s something you want to do, then go for it. I can’t speak for women because I’m not one. I understand they face all sorts of discrimination. I guess I’m just saying, at least in my case, being a man doesn’t fix it all.

    I had a girlfriend once a long time ago and at the time, I was really pushing myself hard at something. I was dumped because she said I didn’t leave enough time for her. I always had mixed feelings about that. If I had been a woman, wouldn’t everyone agree that a man dumping a woman for pursuing goals was a jerk? Reverse the situation and I would have stood by her. But then again, maybe she wanted a man with a lot of free time on his hands to spend time with. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I was actually dumped because I was ugly, and frankly if she had just said I am dumping you because you are ugly then I might have felt better. I doubt she would have dumped a handsome man who was busy but then again, my bias tells me that handsome men are handed everything and don’t work much…again this could be my bias.

    She dumped on me a lot for not being manly too. One time I had a flat tire (she wasn’t there at the time) but I told her later that I called a tow truck to fix it. She latched onto this like a dog with a bone. Oh my god. You aren’t a real man. A real man would have changed the tire. Forever after that, every family get together – her, her mom, her sisters, all like just oh my God. It’s the no changing the tire guy. I felt my decision was smart. Doesn’t a frigging professional tire changer know how to change a tire better than I do? Like I wouldn’t have said Oh my God you bake terrible cookies and you’re a woman shouldn’t you know how to bake? Eh, maybe that’s not a good example. She made great cookies but you get what I mean.

    In conclusion, I aspire to sell millions of Toilet Gator novels so that women will like despite my ugliness and apparent like of manliness. As I get older though, I realize I might have pushed myself harder to be more manly and obtain more manly skills. It is never too late though. Currently, I am learning how to belch the alphabet. I refuse to learn how to change tires though.

    Was there a point to this post? I don’t know. I guess if there is one, it would be, don’t envy men. The grass is not greener. If anything, it is quite gray indeed. ID what you want and work towards it. If a man stands in your way, karate chop him with a kung fu move. Or if you already have it then bask in the glory of having it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love your comment so much …then realize I’ve read your reviews and bits of your sewer system amphibian for years without even knowing your name. Strange world, this blogiverse. (By the way, you and masercot ought to team up.)

      Not falling for insincerity is an extremely important superpower, as is knowing a movie starring Tom Cruise will be predictable.

      Not being with that girlfriend anymore is also good. It sounds to me like she didn’t value or love you. I can’t change a tire or figure out why my weed whacker is smoking or bench press a Volkswagon so I don’t expect others (male or female) to know everything. I *am* both mechanically minded and creative and resent categorization, so I approach new acquaintances with an open view of their potential.

      I had a friend in college who was overweight and somewhat unattractive. He married a mutual acquaintance who divorced him shortly after, citing his past sin of sleeping with a girlfriend. Like you, he suspected she just didn’t love him and was being mean about it. Most of the guys I talk to (engineering types) say they like being honest and to the point, but would you actually want a girl to tell you you’re ugly? It starts sounding like “The Invention of Lying.”

      I want women to be able to go into what they want to AND have the ability to do. I also do not want them karate chopping a man just for being where they want; if he’s literally, intentionally, unfairly blocking her then he deserves that Scarlett Johansson takedown.

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      • I thought you knew my name since, fun fact, my stats say you are my number 1 commenter.

        By day I’m Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio von Finklestein and by night I am Bookshelf Q. Battler. More on this on my blog only read by 3.5 people.

        You know I was going to offer more advice but then I realized my life is, as the millenials like to say, “a dumpster fire” so I’ll just throw this out. In my experience, the job market is a real monster and experience seems to trump all. So if there’s something you want to do, start volunteering in that field a couple hours here and there. Before you know it, your kids will be all grown up and treating you like you’re cramping your style and then you’ll be able to take all that experience and put it towards landing your dream job.

        I would say that is one lesson I learned the hard way. I didn’t push myself to get more experience when I was young. I did crazy things like seek more education instead and no one was impressed.

        Luckily I was able to turn it all around with my writing. Some of my books make upwards of two dollars a year and when all the sweet Toilet Gator money comes rushing in, I’ll be fine.

        Liked by 1 person

        • 😀 I somehow doubt the authenticity of either of your names. I would have started blogging under an assumed name, but this is what I get when I ask Kevin for a URL. All’s fair when he did all the work, there.

          That’s very sound advice. I at least have our dice business and writing to… mostly distract me and fill my head with imaginings of grandeur – but you wouldn’t know what that’s like. 😉

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  15. Very nicely done. Great to hear from your perspective. The world would be a pretty boring place if we were all the same. However, a healthy dose of compassion would help us all live and love a little better.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve definitely held off on responding to this because of intense feelings of my own on this. I’m just going to point out one tiny, eensy part of this:

    If there’s ever surgical techniques or false wombs created, what would be the point of women at all? I’ve thought this several times. I see no actual benefit to being a woman – not a single, solitary benefit – and I don’t see why we’d even have women if we didn’t need baby vessels. And that sucks, because it implies that we’re only useful for one thing. One thing that I don’t want to do and hopefully will never do. And the worst part is I have to wonder if I’m genuinely just not as good, because I’m cursed with this tiny body, as a man who wants to do things. I’ll fight like crazy to prove myself, but there’s that constant fear, dread, and self-hatred that always comes in the background.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. An interesting post about a lady whom I don’t know but whom just lately I am reading much about…The comments are also very interesting…What to say… I could say a lot or a little …Like nice post…What I will say is that I was not a stay at home mum…only when I was on Maternity leave…I will also say as we both worked the rule was in our house that whoever arrived home first started the evening meal…I didn’t mind arriving home last…haha…my other half has always supported me with whatever my dream has been…Honestly I think he thought I was mad half the time …Like when I had always wanted to do a driving job..the open road… freedom…he did advise me that maybe it wouldn’t be like that but this headstrong girl went ahead anyway…After 2 weeks I hated it, traffic jams, inconsiderate drivers/customers…he was right but he didn’t put up barriers when I wanted to try it for myself…it was the same when I wanted to study law he supported me and helped with the kids so I could study…I on occassions go away on my own..writing retreats being one…he looked after the kids he is also not a door mat but we respect each others space and bringing up the kids was a joint effort…I clean the house he cleans the windows and the oven…shopping he hates but he washes up and his response when I suggested buying a dishwasher was but you have one…me! …Take care Chel and follow your dreams whatever they may be 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  18. It is a sticky issue. Not all women work because they want to or are avoiding having a family. Sometimes a family just doesn’t happen, even if they desire it. Then working to support themselves is a necessity, not an option. What right do others (men or women) have to force someone to have an raise a child? What happens to the child? They end up “parented” by addicts or abusers, they end up abandoned, they end up in the foster system, where they may also suffer abuse and develop mental health issues. Ideally, any pregnant woman could easily afford to carry the child to term, hand it over for adoption and have it immediately taken into a loving, forever family. But this world isn’t ideal.

    I guess it really does boil down to personal rights, and allowing each person to choose for themselves what is best for them. Others can try to persuade them to one way of thinking or another, but they should be allowed to choose for themself. Not everything should be criminalized to force others to behave as we think they should.

    It’s a difficult issue, and people like Justice Ginsburg tried to be fair. We could use a lot more like her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Like I told Rob, I can’t even imagine a situation where abortion might be considered, so I don’t pass judgment. Having been pregnant and now raising children, I can also see the argument of considering the potential human’s wants and desires – as you pointed out, of course, that potential human might have defects or crap parents or whatnot. Tough decision.

      Like

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