WINNER of the A Mused Poetry Contest 10/2/2020

I asked poets to pen a funny commercial. And the one who did so the best was:

Try our Thanksgiving Stuffing, by Bruce
We’re plucking the turkey
in preparation for Thanksgiving.
Pluck the turkey!
Pluck the turkey!
Sing as you pluck, O my three children!
I just wish the turkey would keep still.

We’re stuffing the turkey
in preparation for Thanksgiving.
Stuff the turkey!
Stuff the turkey!
Sing as you stuff, O my three children!
I just wish we’d taken the guts out first.

We’re roasting the turkey
in preparation for Thanksgiving.
Roast the turkey!
Roast the turkey!
Sing as you roast, O my two children!

Well, just shut up and pretend it’s a turkey.

Congratulations, Bruce, on being the funniest poet of the week! I selected his poem for its dark, clever humor. Well done, and -well- awful.

His had at least a few contenders as I snickered my way through reading. See for yourself:

Untitled, by Trent McDonald
Hey Mom and Dad!
Don’t be sad
For we have the newest kiddy fad!

You know the toy
A plastic bit of joy
Wanted by every girl and boy?

You need a pair
But they are dear
And you can’t find ‘em anywhere

A rumor of a stash
Causes teeth to gnash
And a million parents show up in a flash

Stand in a line
Hope for a find
But the last sold at nine

Well, come in a trice
We have some, that’s nice,
And are only charging ten times the price!

So, don’t take a nap
Came ay-sap
And buy some grossly overpriced crap!

Perkup: turns molehills into mountains, by Geoff LePard
Are you flaccid and sad?
Perkup will make glad

Lost your youthful zeal?
Perkup makes your dreams real

Confidence taken a dent?
Take Perkup and turn the smallest event
With the help of our latest fix
Into your very own Grand Prix!

Hey Hottie, by Matt Snyder
Hey Hottie How’s it Hanging ?
Halitosis, she says and hurries away

How many times has this happened to you Horny Harry ?
Have a swig of Herman’s Halitosis Herbal Mouthwash

And try again

Hey Hottie How’s it hanging ?
Hot and heavy Horny Harry

Herman’s Halitosis Herbal Mouthwash Keeping Horny Harry’s Halitosis Free

Untitled, by DumbestBlogger
Help! I’m being eaten by alligators!
Good thing I have Flex-Seal!
I’m going to make an alligator proof cage with it!
It sets up instantly!
It’s amazing!
Oops! The pirhannas were a little bit fast!

Untitled, by Willowdot
Book now
Before it’s too late
Trip of a lifetime
Heaven can’t wait.

Masks are provided
You must stay in your seat
Can’t use the loo
And there’s nothing to eat.

The duration is a fortnight
But might stretch to a month
Quarantine darlings
Read the small print in the bunff.

I’m Rona fly me!

Untitled, by Deb Whittam
Eyes glued to the box,
There’s drama to be seen.
Then it happens at the climax,
How can they be so mean?
Time is limited,
One and a half minutes to be exact.
Then the commercials will be over,
Quick, it’s time to act.
He puts the kettle on,
As I scurry down the hall.
So quickly, that I nearly skid,
And take a dramatic fall.
Teas brewing, he hollers,
As theme music begins to play.
Frustrated I curse,
Why is the loo so far away?
As voices sound I don’t have time to flush,
It will just have to wait.
The next bit will be dramatic,
I don’t want to be too late.
As I scurry to my seat,
He sighs in disbelief,
Another set of ads eight minutes away,
The tea will be ready then, what a relief.

Untitled, by Hobbo
A funeral plan, the ad man said
Is necessary, a must
To pay expenses when I’m dead
When dust returns to dust.

I listened well, did not dismiss
But what a paradox
When all life’s labours come to this
I’ve paid for my own box.

Ouch!, by Fishman
Sticks and stones won’t break your bones?
Ever been hit in the head with a rock or a club?

If you have, stop on into the Slowpoke Skull Center.

At the door we’ll meet’cha
And then we’ll treat’cha
And we’ll all be wearing masks.

And for safety we all wear gloves!
well, kinda sort of,
we’re still waiting for a delivery from our vendor.

And if you do like being hit in the head with a rock then we have doctors at the Slowpoke Psychiatric Center standing by. Just enter the door on the left.

If you’re dizzy and your visions blurry –
Don’t worry.
Just wave and we’ll come and get ‘ya in a hurry.

So, my dear head hurtin’ friend;
stop tiptoeing through the minefield of concussions,
come on in and we’ll have a discussion.
We’ll get rid of that pounding percussion
and that pain you can just start aflushin’.

Evening and weekend appointments available.

Twinkle Twinkle Body Hair, by Ruth Scribbles
Do I have a deal for you –

It’s not for your hose
It’s not for your shoe
It’s for your eyebrows
And even your nose

All of those hairs
Looking to escape
Need to be trimmed
Make no mistake

They say that the Twinkle*
Is quite easy to use
Just stick it up in there
No need for abuse

No need to worry
That clumping of hair
Will soon start to scurry
No more hair up in there

Your nostrils are now
Totally denuded
Thank you dear Twinkle*
I’m no more secluded

no batteries included.
keep out of reach of children.
don’t use on your pets.

*this product is real.
order right now to get your nostrils clean as a whistle.

Permanent Vacation
(To be breathily intoned by some honey-voiced ingenue in a pursers uniform?), by Obbverse
‘When vacation time rolls around
Don’t stay safe and home bound,
Let us wash all life’s cares away
On a Sunny Cruise ship holiday.’

‘Our crew is here, at your pleasure
To make your cruise a life of leisure,
Every last desire the crew anticipates,
Once you’re on board, Paradise awaits.’

‘If it’s high spirits you enjoy sinking
We set the bar when it comes to drinking,
And it’s always happy hour on the high seas,
Plus, our rock bottom prices are sure to please.’

‘Enjoy our fine company and our finer buffet,
And it’s All You Can Eat, so go re-stack your tray,
An endless smorgasbord, go and recharge your cup,
Finally, our rich desserts- customers always bring it up.’

‘However, should we sail into covid nineteen
We DON’T demand everyone stay in quarantine,
One dark night we’ll slip into some backwater port;
To remain out here, all at sea- could be our last resort.’

Here is my advertisement for your perusal, by Ellen Best
If, you have an Aunty, that makes up stories,
Or, an uncle Ernie you despise,
The ones that should know better,
But fill the world with wicked Lies.

Buy them the under garments
We sell,
you really will get no better,
They do what it says in the advert
Down to the letter.

They will not make them look delightful
Like a pretty Christmas sweater,
Or turn them in to entrepreneurs
Or the newest “Go getter.”

These under pants will make them
Nicer,
They will make them people to admire,
Because these knickers will cure their
Prepensity to be a liar.
For, Our Pants,
truly will,
Catch On Fire!

Untitled, by Gary
Cue the patriotic music and views of the White Cliffs of Dover

It’s time to sell Brexit to the masses, to buy into the dream, moreover

Just think of the future with our new brightly coloured passports

The fun of all those new travel checkpoints and long queues at the ports

The joy of telling our kids that we have taken away their right to free travel

Watch as our worker rights and environmental standards begin to unravel

Be happy as we sell the NHS to American Insurance Groups in the hope of a deal

Any deal as we cut ourselves adrift, is it time for chlorinated chicken to be revealed

Let’s not forget the rich brexit backers who for some reason have now moved abroad

Let’s be proud that now as a country we are free to rip up international accords

Enjoy the sight of all those companies now moving jobs away from our now free island

Yes remember those glossy Brexit adverts that told us to dream, smile and

Strangely failed to mention all the crap that is about to happen to our country

That’s the problem with adverts, they sell you stuff you don’t need, that’s speaking bluntly…..

—–

Thanks for playing!! Return tomorrow for next week’s prompt.

Bruce, here’s a badge for you to use on your site. Congratulations!

©2020 The poets, and their respective works

21 thoughts on “WINNER of the A Mused Poetry Contest 10/2/2020

  1. I do not know how you do it … pick the best worst one, that must be hard. Next, we ought to try to write the wittiest message inside our next anniversary card.

    P.s. it is ours today, the third of October. What a good way to begin, by laughing at all the A mused adverts on your blog. I am now set up for the day. X

    Liked by 1 person

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