Here I Am Now, on My Diet

Hello, Mirrah. Hello, Flab-buh
Here I am now, drinkin’ watuh.
Water’s great, ’cause it’s so thinning;
I am sure I’ll think that way once I stop swimming.

I switched on some Richard Simmons
But felt shy with those fit womens.
Tried some lifting, like Dwayne Johnson;
Pulled my groin and now I lumber like Ron Swanson.

All the ‘experts’ choose what’s latest
For fad diets; they’re the greatest:
Quinoa, kale, and cauliflower,
Cel’ry, coconut, aΓ§ai, and no flour…

Thought I’d try to make some headway
Exercising through a Couch to 5K.
Joined a Ragnar; friends were hearty –
They’re about to organize a searching party.

Chorus:
Steak, in-bone; and malts; and fritters; ice cream cones; and donuts; burgers –
Don’t leeeave me – at the Weight Watchers where – I might – get *tsk*ing looks and stares.
Choc’late scones; and whipped cream mountains; food, alone – I miss, so
Please don’t make – me – wait -I’ve been here, starving,
ONE
WHOLE
DAY

Β©2021 Chel Owens

55 thoughts on “Here I Am Now, on My Diet

  1. Herb March 19, 2021 / 11:59 pm

    I love Allan Sherman. I have a few of his albums. I couldn’t find a youtube link quickly but there is what we would maybe call a mashup, of several song parodies called “Shticks of One and Half a Dozen of the Other” which includes a verse that goes:

    Oh I diet all day and I diet all night,
    It’s enough to drive me bats
    Got no gravy or potatoes,
    ‘Cause the whole refrigerator’s
    Fulla polyunsaturated fats
    Fare thee well, Metrecal,
    And the others of that ilk
    Let the diet start tomorrow,
    ‘Cause today I’ll drown my sorrow
    In a double malted milk

    Liked by 3 people

  2. willowdot21 March 20, 2021 / 12:15 am

    Absolutely love this you’ve done s great job on this πŸ’œπŸ’œ

    Liked by 3 people

  3. johnlmalone March 20, 2021 / 12:26 am

    that’s a rollicking roll of fun, Chel; you’ve really hit the funny bone with this one; you’ve covered all bases that I can see: the calorific sins and virtues though I still love kale πŸ™‚ o, and dark chocolate πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chel Owens March 20, 2021 / 7:58 am

      Thanks, John! I can’t join you in The Kale Camp, but I’ll be right there with dark chocolate!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Norah March 20, 2021 / 2:05 am

    I remember that song!
    Great lyrics. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hobbo March 20, 2021 / 3:16 am

    Brilliant Chel. Hilarious. Loved it!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. bookshelfbattle March 20, 2021 / 6:42 am

    Then on day 2 you go to some sort of family function and 863 people shove food into your hand even when you tell them you don’t want it but they say come on it’s a party it’d be rude not to eat and then when you give in and eat it those same 863 people say omg look at that fatty eating…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 20, 2021 / 8:08 am

      Ah, yes. Family food pressure.

      Like

  7. Colleen M. Chesebro March 20, 2021 / 10:24 am

    Wonderful poetry to put a smile on my face. I just had my WW weigh-in, and I lost weight this week! Onward and upward, you got this Chel. ❀

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chel Owens March 20, 2021 / 3:20 pm

      Not fair. πŸ™‚ I was only in that boat in my twenties.

      Like

  8. Doug Jacquier March 20, 2021 / 12:28 pm

    Hilariously clever and I remember that song vividly, although summer camp was never really a thing here. Can’t resist sharing one of my favorite scenes in AbFab:
    Edina: I mean what you two don’t seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there is a thin person just screaming to get out.
    Mother: Just the one, dear?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chel Owens March 20, 2021 / 3:21 pm

      Ha ha! Yes, that’s my problem. More than one thin person screaming to get out.

      Like

    • Chel Owens March 20, 2021 / 3:22 pm

      πŸ˜€ Great! I sang it through several times to make sure it worked.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. obbverse March 20, 2021 / 2:15 pm

    A very nice update on Camp Buddy Sherman’s letter of misery.
    All exercises in folly and futility, and at the end of a gut grumbling week- Weight- there’s more?
    Plus, can they add coconut to anything else? Flavour of the Covid-age.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 20, 2021 / 3:27 pm

      Weight -There’s More? would have been a perfect title for this!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. RuthScribbles March 21, 2021 / 11:55 am

    Fat phobia is a thing. I’m losing weight because my liver was getting sick. But what β€œthey say” I should be is ridiculous.

    Anyway-I’m dumb, your lyrics are funny, but I don’t get the connection to whom…. I’m not dumb, just missed out on some cultural learning.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 21, 2021 / 12:04 pm

      Years ago, I listened to this “Camp Grenada” song. Ever time I try dieting, I think about how terribly awful it is (even though I’ve only been at it a few hours). πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      • RuthScribbles March 21, 2021 / 1:21 pm

        Try just eating smaller portions instead of dieting. I know it is very hard.

        I listened to the song. I knew the first line but had never heard the whole song.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. D. Wallace Peach March 22, 2021 / 8:47 am

    Ha! Oh those diets. What a pain. Just wait until after menopause, when you put on weight simply by breathing. And dieting is so hard is kids around who love those carbs and sugar.

    I flew over here to congratulate you on your Carrot Ranch Rodeo placings, yes placings in the plural. Amazing poetry! I will never ever let you bemoan your writing skills again, my dear. Absolutely stunning. Congrats!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 22, 2021 / 8:58 am

      Oh, don’t worry, Diana. I’m at the weight-gain-by-looking-at-a-dessert point. :/ Poor me. You have more restrictions than I, though, for sure!

      Thank you for the congratulations! I was very surprised. I suppose this adds legitimacy to my running my poetry contest, now. πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  12. H.R.R. Gorman March 22, 2021 / 6:38 pm

    Reminds me of the song “Junk Food Junkie.”

    Good lord have pity on me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 25, 2021 / 9:19 pm

      I’m glad I finally wrote it. I feel so badly for myself every time I start a diet, and then think I’m such a whiner because I’ve only been doing it for one day!

      Like

  13. Lisa Bradshaw March 27, 2021 / 8:30 am

    1 week to go then I’m back to chocolate, coffee and bread.. Can’t wait.. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 29, 2021 / 12:39 pm

      It’s artistic tragedy!

      Like

  14. Garrulous Gwendoline March 31, 2021 / 1:24 am

    That is so clever. It gave me a good laugh. I knew exactly where you were going after the second line, and was singing along with your words well before I got to the Alan Sherman link. Another of his that stuck with me was “You’re Getting To Be A Rabbit With Me”.
    On the diet side, I used to have a poster that read “I keep losing weight – but it keeps finding me!”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens March 31, 2021 / 7:34 am

      I clearly need to look up all his songs. And that poster fits me as well!!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Jules April 10, 2021 / 9:26 am

    Ah ha! I found it!! Wonderful!!
    (From the bottom Lagoon post…)

    As for Diets you know about the See Food Diet – When I see food I eat it.
    Or about watching your weight… If you are going to watch your waist, you have to get it out where you can see it. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chel Owens May 12, 2021 / 1:49 pm

      You should give in to the impulse! 🎡

      Like

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