Here I Am Now, on My Diet

Chel Owens

Hello, Mirrah. Hello, Flab-buh
Here I am now, drinkin’ watuh.
Water’s great, ’cause it’s so thinning;
I am sure I’ll think that way once I stop swimming.

I switched on some Richard Simmons
But felt shy with those fit womens.
Tried some lifting, like Dwayne Johnson;
Pulled my groin and now I lumber like Ron Swanson.

All the ‘experts’ choose what’s latest
For fad diets; they’re the greatest:
Quinoa, kale, and cauliflower,
Cel’ry, coconut, açai, and no flour…

Thought I’d try to make some headway
Exercising through a Couch to 5K.
Joined a Ragnar; friends were hearty –
They’re about to organize a searching party.

Chorus:
Steak, in-bone; and malts; and fritters; ice cream cones; and donuts; burgers –
Don’t leeeave me – at the Weight Watchers where – I might – get *tsk*ing looks and stares.
Choc’late scones; and whipped cream mountains; food, alone – I miss, so
Please don’t make – me – wait -I’ve been here, starving,
ONE
WHOLE
DAY

©2021 Chel Owens

55 thoughts on “Here I Am Now, on My Diet”

  1. I love Allan Sherman. I have a few of his albums. I couldn’t find a youtube link quickly but there is what we would maybe call a mashup, of several song parodies called “Shticks of One and Half a Dozen of the Other” which includes a verse that goes:

    Oh I diet all day and I diet all night,
    It’s enough to drive me bats
    Got no gravy or potatoes,
    ‘Cause the whole refrigerator’s
    Fulla polyunsaturated fats
    Fare thee well, Metrecal,
    And the others of that ilk
    Let the diet start tomorrow,
    ‘Cause today I’ll drown my sorrow
    In a double malted milk

    Liked by 3 people

  3. that’s a rollicking roll of fun, Chel; you’ve really hit the funny bone with this one; you’ve covered all bases that I can see: the calorific sins and virtues though I still love kale 🙂 o, and dark chocolate 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Then on day 2 you go to some sort of family function and 863 people shove food into your hand even when you tell them you don’t want it but they say come on it’s a party it’d be rude not to eat and then when you give in and eat it those same 863 people say omg look at that fatty eating…

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Hilariously clever and I remember that song vividly, although summer camp was never really a thing here. Can’t resist sharing one of my favorite scenes in AbFab:
    Edina: I mean what you two don’t seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there is a thin person just screaming to get out.
    Mother: Just the one, dear?

    Liked by 3 people

  12. A very nice update on Camp Buddy Sherman’s letter of misery.
    All exercises in folly and futility, and at the end of a gut grumbling week- Weight- there’s more?
    Plus, can they add coconut to anything else? Flavour of the Covid-age.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Fat phobia is a thing. I’m losing weight because my liver was getting sick. But what “they say” I should be is ridiculous.

    Anyway-I’m dumb, your lyrics are funny, but I don’t get the connection to whom…. I’m not dumb, just missed out on some cultural learning.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Years ago, I listened to this “Camp Grenada” song. Ever time I try dieting, I think about how terribly awful it is (even though I’ve only been at it a few hours). 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Ha! Oh those diets. What a pain. Just wait until after menopause, when you put on weight simply by breathing. And dieting is so hard is kids around who love those carbs and sugar.

    I flew over here to congratulate you on your Carrot Ranch Rodeo placings, yes placings in the plural. Amazing poetry! I will never ever let you bemoan your writing skills again, my dear. Absolutely stunning. Congrats!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, don’t worry, Diana. I’m at the weight-gain-by-looking-at-a-dessert point. :/ Poor me. You have more restrictions than I, though, for sure!

      Thank you for the congratulations! I was very surprised. I suppose this adds legitimacy to my running my poetry contest, now. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad I finally wrote it. I feel so badly for myself every time I start a diet, and then think I’m such a whiner because I’ve only been doing it for one day!

      Like

  19. That is so clever. It gave me a good laugh. I knew exactly where you were going after the second line, and was singing along with your words well before I got to the Alan Sherman link. Another of his that stuck with me was “You’re Getting To Be A Rabbit With Me”.
    On the diet side, I used to have a poster that read “I keep losing weight – but it keeps finding me!”

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Ah ha! I found it!! Wonderful!!
    (From the bottom Lagoon post…)

    As for Diets you know about the See Food Diet – When I see food I eat it.
    Or about watching your weight… If you are going to watch your waist, you have to get it out where you can see it. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

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