I’m not a positive person.
When the going gets tough, I get down. I’m not certain, in case Freud asks, if I’ve always been this way or if I’m repressing some sexual tension I felt for trees in my youth. The point is that I’m me. I can’t be anyone else nor pretend to feel differently than I do once depressive thoughts take over.
I’ve learned a few copes. I’m not at a dangerous level. I’m just …constantly numbing.
Occasionally, I’ll examine my life. From a somewhat stable mindset, I’ll turn it this way and that in the light of detached study. Why am I depressed? Why don’t I feel? Time and again, I come around to the obvious answer: my current situation.
I don’t like being a stay-at-home mother. I didn’t want to be a mother. Worse, I never wanted to do dishes and laundry as an unpaid career. My sincere wish as a child was for the fairies who lived on the other side of my mirror to open a portal to their magical kingdom, where I would live in a Neverland situation; without menstrual cycles, age, or health issues -forever. It sounds stupid, but a part of me still holds onto that dream…
I’ve an overdeveloped imagination and an underdeveloped -oh, heck; I don’t sleep and have no free time. I retain that corner of imagination to draw from when writing fiction.
For the past while, I have been trying to solve THE PROBLEM of my dissatisfaction. Am I unfulfilled because I didn’t go into a specific career field? I didn’t have one in mind. Am I depressed because I lack free time? I could make some. Am I sad at the prospect of no future? Yes, yes I am.
Besides fairies, I dreamt of some job that would be just as magical. I’d be in an office, with office supplies. I’d have a paycheck. I would get to file things or wear business casual or do important tasks. I would attain a prestigious degree and save lives… I think.
But, to what end? What would it all have been for?
Maybe, the point of life is not work. Maybe the point really is home life.
No one lies on his death bed lamenting more time spent in the office, right?
I …just …can’t seem to find the right aphorism or life quote to help me feel good about it all. I can’t find a resolution. Maybe YOU have a suggestion?
Week in review:
Wednesday, September 7: “What’s Your Word?, A Revisit to Resolutions.”
Friday, September 9: Friday Photo.
Saturday, September 10: “Poetic Collage.”
Sunday, September 11: Quote by George MacDonald.
Monday, September 12: Mormon Monday. The LDS Church is very organized!
Tuesday, September 13: “Altitude Anonymous.”
Wednesday, September 14: Today.
©2022 Chel Owens