Expert Parent, in the making

Chel Owens

“Babe-eeeee, where are you going?” I say, in an effort to distract my contortionist one-year-old. All I want is to diaper the squirmy creature; so, in the words of my almost-three-year-old, he won’t have a “naked tush.” One hand grapples with legs, another with the body, another with setting a toy between Baby’s fists, and yet another reaches for the clean diaper.

…

We’re out. At least, we’re out of the handy pile I keep by the bed.

From Costco’s website.

This means it’s time to tear open another oversized box from my home-away-from-home, Costco (seriously, I’m up to daily trips, now). I keep a running tab on how many of the 222 disposable landfill hazards are left, ready to up my trips to twice-daily if the stock’s too low.

I’ve 112, so we’re good -the large pile comforts me. My seeing it also reminds me of when I was expecting my very first baby:

Fifty years ago* and around 30 weeks, I’d had enough with pregnancy. Knowing the only way to extract the male parasite within, however, I crossed my legs and waited for nature to take its course.

And, I accepted the inevitable by accepting gifts from friends and relatives. I have many kind acquaintances who visited and gave us a lot of necessities.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

The weeks sped closer to a supposed due date for Owens Boy #1; I surveyed my blue and green clothing, white burp cloths, pristine car seat, bumpered crib, and -yes- piles of diapers with satisfaction. I was set; I could do this. I would …eventually… get all our moving boxes out of the intended nursery and have it arranged for our offspring’s arrival.

I clearly had everything we needed.

Except, I didn’t.

I’m not sure if I realized my error whilst watching a friend change her baby’s bottom. I’m not certain if I saw the problem whilst shopping and traveling down the baby aisle. I’m not even positive if I was hit by Captain Obvious whilst attending a free class at the hospital on How to Change Your Baby.

Remember kids, we didn’t have YouTube in The Time of the Pager.

See, pregnancy is a funny thing. When sampling it; women may experience stupidity, ignorance, idiocy, and a generalized inability to think. (No, seriously: if someone tells me s/he told me important information in the past that I can’t recall, I’ve learned to ask, “Was I pregnant?”)

At some point that may have been AFTER pushing out Kevin jr.**, I noticed a number written on the boxes of diapers. I’m not referring to that old ‘222’ of how many fit in a box; I’m referring to ‘Size 3.’ Furthermore, I’m referring to a group of numbers under ‘Size 3’ that describe a weight range. While some might consider that to be a diaper’s maximum limit on retaining moisture; it is, in fact, a range in which your baby must fall in order to fit that size.

Up till this revelatory moment, I’d ignored that little range and that little word, ‘Size.’ I’d surveyed my derriere-dressings with pride, smugly confident that I had enough for my means. Unfortunately, I had Size 1, Size 2, and Size 3.

“Unfortunately” because the baby popped out a bit small, necessitating an unknown ‘Newborn’ level of coverage.

Photo by kelvin octa on Pexels.com (Not my baby, but still cute)

So…. did you know they give you diapers in the hospital? They also teach you which end to put it on.

—–

Did you also know that diapers come in different sizes? What surprising yet simple idea have you learned in life, perhaps from an embarrassing lack of knowledge like my experience?

—–

Last week, I wrote:
Wednesday, November 9: “You Don’t Have to Read This.” You don’t -nor any other posts you aren’t interested in.

Friday, November 11: Friday Photo. I hope no one eats these things for breakfast.

Sunday, November 13: Announced the Terrible Poetry Contest for November: a clean limerick on lost-and-found.
Also, shared a quote by Seth Godin.

Monday, November 14: Talked about callings in the LDS Church.

Tuesday, November 15: “Geneva Steele,” in response to Carrot Ranch’s prompt.

Wednesday, November 16: Today. Sort-of.

©2022 Chel Owens

*I couldn’t have been pregnant fifty years ago. This is called an exaggeration, or hyperbole.

**None of our children is named after Kevin. The real name was changed to protect the infant.

40 thoughts on “Expert Parent, in the making”

      1. It might be bamboo. I saw some men’s bamboo underpants when I was shopping last. I couldn’t get around the idea of having them made from the same thing as garden canes, so I bought cotton and lycra blend instead. 😆

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I used to say to my infant son as I was botching another diaper in my early stages as a parent, “I’m so glad that you’ll never remember this and that there’s no visual evidence that I don’t know what I’m doing.” 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I wish there was a Costco near me. I’d probably overbuy.

    I got used to delivery services but lately am trying to get back into the habit of actually going to the store and shop. It’s so time consuming, you have to push the car around the store, then put it in your car, then drag it all into the house.

    On the other hand there are less mistakes. And the delivery fees and tips etc make it cost a lot.

    I had to quit doordash because it was getting to be like 50 bucks for a cheeseburger. Also its not good for me anyway. Maybe I should start Veggiedash.

    Maybe you could build a pen in the backyard and let your diaper-less baby run around free range. On second thought, don’t do that. A dingo might get him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nah, I’m not in Australia. I think the peregrine falcon would make a grab but that’s about it.

      Yeah – we got some gift cards for GrubHub. After paying for all the fees and tip, we ended up with two cookies.

      Like

  12. I’m assuming that after all you experience, you now know which diapers to buy. Such an amusing anecdote, though, Chelsea. Why is it babies would rather do anything than make it easy for Mum to diaper them?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Yep! There are some things I totally have blocked out lol such as nipple-flow rates on baby bottles lol maybe that’s what we do to make it through to the next stage knowing there’s ohh so many more to battle through!!

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