The Terrible Poetry Contest: Special Christmas Special!!

Chel Owens

We couldn’t let another year pass by without our sort-of annual tradition: the Terribly Poetry Contest, Christmas Special!!

Photo by Marta Wave on Pexels.com

Whenever our illustrious judge remembers to, we forget all rules of terribleness and simply have fun in the spirit of FUN.

  1. The theme is a parody of a Christmas song. We’re talking carols; like “Santa, Baby,” “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” “Deck the Halls,” “Silent Night….”
    (But, for the love of all that’s holly, DO NOT use “Christmas Shoes” as your inspiration or I may be forced to send three spirits to keep you up all night.)
  2. The official length is as long as it takes you to poke fun at your carol before running out of ideas…
  3. Jingle bells, Batman smells; most songs rhyme so rhyme this time (if the original rhymes).
  4. Good King Wenceslas looked about, rocking around the Christmas tree, away in a manger of parody. Make us laugh, make us cry; mostly, give us something to look forward to this year.
  5. Finally, keep things child-appropriate. Christmas is about children, after all.

You have till 8:00 p.m. MST on Friday, December 23 to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous until I post the results. The form hasn’t saved what you submitted unless you see a message saying it has.

Or, for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. Please alert me if your pingback or poem does not show up within a day.

The winner gains bragging rights, a badge, and a physical Christmas gift in the mail from Chel.

—–

©2022 Chel Owens

Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

Need some ideas? Inspiration? Try this contest, this poem, this contest, this contest, this contest, this contest, or this contest.

Said the husband as she burnt the ham
Do you smell what I smell?
(Do you smell what I smell?)
It’s charred, it’s charred; the oven’s all alight
With the men here to fi’re fight
With the men, here, to fi’re fight...

61 thoughts on “The Terrible Poetry Contest: Special Christmas Special!!”

  3. Santa, My Baby Wants a Pony This Christmas*

    San-ta! You’ll never get my pony
    in your sack.
    San-ta! It’s only gonna break
    your back.
    Why don-cha ride upon it in-stead?
    Why, it could even pull your sled!

    San-ta! You better take a diff-rent tack!
    San-ta! I’m tellin’ ya a sure-fire hack!
    Send it via US mail,
    Then your back it will not fail.
    San-ta! You’ll never get my pony in that sack!
    San-ta! You’ll never get my pony in that sack!
    (ad lib and fade)

    *sung to the tune of Silent Night. 😆

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Silent cholesterol, stealthy cholesterol.
    Chocolates and cream make things digestible
    Around the table the family has sat
    Eating the turkey and getting quite fat.
    I’m really huffing and puffing
    Trying to finish this stuffing.

    Silent cholesterol, stealthy cholesterol.
    It will make your heart arrestable.
    Eat lots of butter, eat lots of cake,
    Pig out on pies and nice pastry flake.
    Like the turkey I’m totally stuffed.
    Yet I can’t say that I’ve had enough.

    Liked by 2 people

    2. I ordered a Christmas special pork shoulder the other day. Ghastly stuff. Full of the very stealthy cholesterol you speak of, but I finished it. Munched and munched and got fatter. I’m thinking I’ll get to the turkey soon. I hope the stuffing is not some shady Indianised thing that’s sickly sweet.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Not one but two from this irreverent Aussie, who’ll be sweltering while you’ll be freezing on the Big Day.

    The teacher and the little dumber boy

    Hey, you down there, yes, you, chewing your gum.
    I see you down there and stop sucking your thumb.
    What gift did you bring for me? Stop scratching your bum*!
    To thank me for being kind and not telling your Mum
    About sucking your thumb
    And scratching your bum?
    Is that all you brought, just a packet of gum?
    Telling your Mum!

    *Australian slang for backside, not a US king of the road type bum.

    Australian bloke’s Christmas

    (I’ll spare you the usual build up)

    On the twelfth day of Christmas
    My girlfriend gave to me
    Twelve budgie smugglers*
    Eleven crafted beers
    Ten shower gels
    Nine armpit anti-smells
    Eight shirts for wearing
    Seven barbie* tools
    Six steaks for sizzling
    Five onion rings
    Four kanga bangers*
    Three chicken kebabs
    Two token salads
    And a bar fridge near the gum tree!

    *Budgie smugglers – men’s underwear
    *Barbie – barbecue
    *Kanga bangers – Sausages made from kangaroo meat

    Liked by 1 person

  9. To the tune of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

    I’ll be late for Christmas.
    Please don’t count on me.
    Keep your snow and mistletoe
    and eggnog by the tree.

    Christmas Eve the reindeer
    ran away again.
    I’ll be late for Christmas.
    You might as well sleep in.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Rudolph The Blood Nose Reindeer. (The Mike Hammer/film noir version.)

    Between Dasher and Dancer and Prancer lay the victim,
    Of all Santa holds deer, why had the killer picked him?
    This had been no close call-
    There was blood all over his stall.

    Rudolph, the aforesaid reindeer
    Was Santa’s snitch, everybody knows,
    And everyone in the herd who saw it
    Saw Rudy had the brownest nose.

    All of the Brother reindeer
    Used to laugh and call Rude names,
    They chose and froze out Rudolph
    From joining their Sled Pullers Union aims.

    Then one foggy Christmas eve
    Santa dropped by his spy to say
    ‘Rudolph, if I heard your story right
    This Union mob ain’t haulin’ my sled tonight.’

    That’s when all the reindeer kicked him,
    They kicked Rudy all about with glee,
    If you spill secrets to Santa I fear
    You’ll star in your own Christmessy murder mystery.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep, I know; ‘more ‘oh- uh oh’ than ‘Yo ho ho.’
        Thanks, I think I want to say I’m terribly happy about the double edged win, but ’tis the season to regret our follies. Have a happy day, I’ll follow up after all this infernal family madness that the day promises. Hosting this years gathering is making my welcoming smile a rictus already!

        Liked by 1 person

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