Merry Christmas!!

But, we’re not here to unwrap presents! We’re here to read who won the terrible Christmas carol parody for the Terrible Poetry Contest of Christmas 2022!!

Rudolph The Blood Nose Reindeer. (The Mike Hammer/film noir version.)

by Obbverse

Between Dasher and Dancer and Prancer lay the victim,
Of all Santa holds deer, why had the killer picked him?
This had been no close call-
There was blood all over his stall.

Rudolph, the aforesaid reindeer
Was Santa’s snitch, everybody knows,
And everyone in the herd who saw it
Saw Rudy had the brownest nose.

All of the Brother reindeer
Used to laugh and call Rude names,
They chose and froze out Rudolph
From joining their Sled Pullers Union aims.

Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa dropped by his spy to say
‘Rudolph, if I heard your story right
This Union mob ain’t haulin’ my sled tonight.’

That’s when all the reindeer kicked him,
They kicked Rudy all about with glee,
If you spill secrets to Santa I fear
You’ll star in your own Christmessy murder mystery.

—–

Congratulations? Obbverse! You are the most terrible caroler! If you’re comfortable doing so, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll send you your present!

Unlike other terrible poetry contests, the Christmas one is all about a distinct aspect that stands out -no matter how much the poet pokes fun at tropes, cliches, etc. Obbverse wrote a very clever, terrible (as in, wrong) song; so, hey! He wins!

Winner or ‘winner,’ poetry or ‘poetry,’ this is my favorite contest of all. I hope you enjoy reading them all:

Santa, My Baby Wants a Pony This Christmas*

by Ian Kay

San-ta! You’ll never get my pony
in your sack.
San-ta! It’s only gonna break
your back.
Why don-cha ride upon it in-stead?
Why, it could even pull your sled!

San-ta! You better take a diff-rent tack!
San-ta! I’m tellin’ ya a sure-fire hack!
Send it via US mail,
Then your back it will not fail.
San-ta! You’ll never get my pony in that sack!
San-ta! You’ll never get my pony in that sack!
(ad lib and fade)

*sung to the tune of Silent Night.

—–

Untitled

by Bruce Goodman

Silent cholesterol, stealthy cholesterol.
Chocolates and cream make things digestible
Around the table the family has sat
Eating the turkey and getting quite fat.
I’m really huffing and puffing
Trying to finish this stuffing.

Silent cholesterol, stealthy cholesterol.
It will make your heart arrestable.
Eat lots of butter, eat lots of cake,
Pig out on pies and nice pastry flake.
Like the turkey I’m totally stuffed.
Yet I can’t say that I’ve had enough.

—–

O, Climate Change (Sung to the tune of O Christmas tree)

by D Wallace Peach

O, climate change, O climate change
The mountain beetles dining
O, climate change, O climate change
The Christmas trees are dying

Your boughs, on fire in Summer-time
Stay charred and black in Winter’s rime
O climate change, O climate change
The plastic trees are thriving

O, climate change, O climate change
The mountain snow’s declining
O, climate change, O climate change
The reservoirs are drying

The blizzards land on arid plains
And flooding hits the coast again
O climate change, O climate change
Real Christmas trees nose diving

—–

Favorite Things, A Parody

by Herb

Butter on hot toast
And bacon a sizzlin’
Coffee pot perkin’
And drippin’ and drizzlin’
When my morning starts out with caloric flings
I’m thankful for some of my favorite things

Biscuits and gravy
And fritters and donuts
Are all so tasty
They just make me go nuts
Of pancakes and waffles and syrups I sing
For these are just some of my favorite things

There’s leftover lasagna
And pizza in fridges
And hot dogs and burgers
And Ruffles with ridges
Chocolate chip cookies from the oven they bring
Food is just some of my favorite things

When my doc nags
About my weight
It kinda makes me sad
It’s then I remember my favorite things
And I don’t care if I’m fat

—–

The teacher and the little dumber boy

by Doug Jacquier

Hey, you down there, yes, you, chewing your gum.
I see you down there and stop sucking your thumb.
What gift did you bring for me? Stop scratching your bum*!
To thank me for being kind and not telling your Mum
About sucking your thumb
And scratching your bum?
Is that all you brought, just a packet of gum?
Telling your Mum!

*Australian slang for backside, not a US king of the road type bum.

—–

Australian bloke’s Christmas

by Doug Jacquier

(I’ll spare you the usual build up)

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My girlfriend gave to me
Twelve budgie smugglers*
Eleven crafted beers
Ten shower gels
Nine armpit anti-smells
Eight shirts for wearing
Seven barbie* tools
Six steaks for sizzling
Five onion rings
Four kanga bangers*
Three chicken kebabs
Two token salads
And a bar fridge near the gum tree!

*Budgie smugglers – men’s underwear
*Barbie – barbecue
*Kanga bangers – Sausages made from kangaroo meat

—–

Untitled, To the tune of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

by Frank Hubeny

I’ll be late for Christmas.
Please don’t count on me.
Keep your snow and mistletoe
and eggnog by the tree.

Christmas Eve the reindeer
ran away again.
I’ll be late for Christmas.
You might as well sleep in.

—–

Untitled, Sing to the Tune of ‘Jingle Bells’

by Not Pam‘s The Door People

Smashing Through Your Door
On A One Seat Open Fork
An Employee Of Yours
Driving Like A Dork
Bells On Our Phones Ring
Spirits Not So Bright
Your Roller Door Is On The Floor
And You Can’t Go Home Tonight
The Door People The Door People
Please Come And Fix Our Door
8445 8445 Great Service That’s For Sure
The Door People The Door People
Will Save You Once Again
8445 8445 You’ll Consider Us Your Friend

—–

Untitled

by Ordinary Person

Pum pum pum,
Pum pum pum,
Jingle Bell Rock
Oh I won’t trade it for a sock
Pum pum pum pum pum
Pum pum pum
That’s the jingle bell rock!

—–

Untitled

by John W. Howell

Dashing through the snow,
In our brand-new electric car.
Is there any way to know,
If it will carry us as far
As we really need to go.
The blinking red light gleams
On the panel made of glass
Might be trouble, so it seems
Sure wish we stuck with gas.

—–

Unjingled Bells

by Michael Fishman

Driving fast, driving hard, the cop is on my tail.
Gotta shake ‘em loose cuz I don’t wanna go to jail.

Oh!

Driving fast, driving hard, I’m pushing 90 now.
I wonder if I dare to pass that really slow snowplow?

I follow UPS,
and take the gifts he leaves.
I’m just another one
of those nasty Christmas thieves.

But this time I was seen,
by the cop just driving past,
and I’m not sure I’ll lose him
cuz I’m running out of gas.

Oh!

Driving fast, driving hard the cop’s still on my tail.
I don’t want to have to spend this Christmas Day in jail.

But-

I got caught, I got caught, I’m in Graybar Hotel
I’m sitting in a holding cell not feeling very well.

The lawyer said, “Don’t dread,
I’ll get you out tonight.
The only thing you have to do
is chill and just sit tight.”

It turned he was wrong,
and I’m sure you will agree,
with the judge who grinned when he sentenced me
and he threw away the key!

Oh!

Woe is me, misery, there’s nothing I can do.
I guess I should have thought before I stole those gifts from you.

Oh!

Ho, ho, ho, here I am, I’m on the prison bus
I’m wishing you a happy day and a very, very, merry Christmas.

(And New Year, too!)

—–

Two Teeth

by Ruth Scribbles

Everybody stops and stares at me
My two teeth are STILL HERE- oh say can you see?
I don’t know who’s at fault for this catastrophe
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as can be

All I want for Christmas is my two teeth OUT
My two teeth out
See my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only have my two teeth OUT
Then I’ll be the object of your pouting.

—–

A Slap Happy Christmas…

by Matt

It’is ya no “THAT” time of year
Left o’er, cheese starts; smelling
Eeryone yelling ” Yo!!! We ran outta beer”
the crap, crappiest, season ya, know

Wid those h’Omoerotic feelings and slaphappy greetings.
When fiends bring they’re damn kids who start to ball
it’s the crap crappiest seesawing ya know

dippers need changing
fur nature rearranging
and
wheel we wish you a crappy
Christmas
a Slap Happy Christmas
and a scrappy News year

Now take your squeeling kids
stinky limburger
sordid thoughts
and don’t come back
unless you bring us a case of beer
Marry Chris Mouse !!!!

—–

Merry merry Christmas, more so for the entertainment!

©2022 The poets, and their respective poems. Special thanks to Greg for the cool badge/logo: