Ted and Trudy

Ted and Trudy had been married forever; four years, in fact. Each still said he or she was in love. Still, each found himself or herself dreading the drive home after work.

Their marriage counselor tried. “What you need is to find and speak each other’s love language,” she said.

Ted and Trudy tried.

Physical intimacy didn’t touch on the issue. Spending quality time together made the evening drag on and on. Neither received gifts presently. Words of affirmation didn’t speak to either of them. And we won’t even mention how self-absorbed each became when performing acts of service.

It wasn’t until Ted finally snapped and complained about it all that Trudy felt an unexpected spark.

“Ooooh. Say that again, Ted,” she cooed.

Ted blinked. “Uhhh… the counselor’s charging way too much for something that’s not working?”

“Yes, Ted! Yes! What else isn’t working?”

“Uhh…” he thought for a minute. “That plumber we hired this morning was late, incompetent, and left a mess.”

Trudy sat up and perked up. “What else??”

“No one knows how to drive anymore?” He was starting to get excited as well.

“Yes! Yes!”

“Whenever I go shopping, I can’t ever find a good clerk! How difficult is it to know where the polos are?”

“Ohhh, Ted.” She drew right up to him. “What else?”

“The governor’s an idiot and this country’s being run by imbeciles!”

“YYYYYESSSSS!”

…..

Their counselor was surprised to see them practically bouncing at their next (and last) appointment.

“We did it!” Trudy gushed. “We found our love language!”

“Oh?” the counselor asked, intrigued. “Which is it?”

Ted and Trudy looked at each other, smiled; then, in unison, answered, “Complaining!”

©2021 Chel Owens

A Voter’s Paradise

All of those attending school
Will get it paid for, as a rule
And all of those who don’t feel up
To working jobs still make a buck.

Doctors, nurses, surgery
Do pristine work, completely free!
For your baby (if you keep it),
You’ll never worry how to feed it.

And parents wanting free day care
Will have a government au pair.
For your dog or cat; chinchilla
Vets will never, ever bill ya.

And all the lawns will get a mow
And all the driveways, free of snow.
Heck! Any leaks or cracks or breaks
Are covered, FREE, make no mistakes!

Food will grow without a weed
Fulfilling everybody’s needs
And, though y’all are sitting ’round
A fat person will not be found.

Your bank accounts will all be full
And backyards all will have a pool.
A mansion’s waiting for your lives;
A sports car’s waiting for your drives.

There’s nothing anyone will want
There’s nothing anyone will need…

Don’t you see?
A vote for me,
Will make things nice:
A paradise.

© Chel Owens

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Hey, it might be possible. Dunno who’s gonna pay for it all, but who cares? Cast your own entry for this month’s A Mused Poetry Contest. You’ve got till May 14th.

Secret Snitch Will Scratch That Itch!

♫ If she says, “Come here!
“My dear!
“There’s something no one else can hear!”
Think of us, and never fear:
The secret-selling championeers!

We pay top price!
We sell, rock-bottom!
And promise no one’s e’er forgotten!

A secret’s safe, till you can pay;
Visit Secret Snitch today! ♫

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

©2021 Chel Owens

There are still a few more hours to write a humorous jingle for a product that shouldn’t be sold! C’mon! It’s for the A Mused Poetry Contest.

Grampy’s Burlap Underwear

♫ When your life is without care
And when your nether’s without hair;
To follow laws, you can’t be bare,
So try our burlap underwear.

Grampy’s Burlap Underwear!
Grampy’s Burlap Underwear!
You’ll want to swear
If you’ll but dare
To wear
Ol’ Grampy’s Underwear! ♫

Photo by Skylar Kang on Pexels.com

©2021 Chel Owens

I’m sure to get hired by a PR group soon… Try your own hand at a humorous jingle for a product that shouldn’t be sold for this month’s A Mused Poetry Contest.

Here I Am Now, on My Diet

Hello, Mirrah. Hello, Flab-buh
Here I am now, drinkin’ watuh.
Water’s great, ’cause it’s so thinning;
I am sure I’ll think that way once I stop swimming.

I switched on some Richard Simmons
But felt shy with those fit womens.
Tried some lifting, like Dwayne Johnson;
Pulled my groin and now I lumber like Ron Swanson.

All the ‘experts’ choose what’s latest
For fad diets; they’re the greatest:
Quinoa, kale, and cauliflower,
Cel’ry, coconut, açai, and no flour…

Thought I’d try to make some headway
Exercising through a Couch to 5K.
Joined a Ragnar; friends were hearty –
They’re about to organize a searching party.

Chorus:
Steak, in-bone; and malts; and fritters; ice cream cones; and donuts; burgers –
Don’t leeeave me – at the Weight Watchers where – I might – get *tsk*ing looks and stares.
Choc’late scones; and whipped cream mountains; food, alone – I miss, so
Please don’t make – me – wait -I’ve been here, starving,
ONE
WHOLE
DAY

©2021 Chel Owens

More Ranting, in poem form

C’mon, guys! Get angry and enter the A Mused Poetry Contest by this Friday. I promise that it’s fun!!

Assphorisms

Roses are red, ’cause they’re all full of thorns
That pricked you and caused you to bleed.
Violets are blue ’cause they’re feelin’ fed up
With being around all the weeds.

The bluebird of happiness doesn’t exist,
‘Cause Fate shot it, and served it with rice.
‘Fact, the only bird he and Karma will give
Is the one that isn’t so nice.

Think positive. Right; like my thoughts are the why
For pandemics; bankruptcies; death.
Moments that might take our breath all away
Are mostly just taking our breath.

The one thing I’ve got, right down to an art
Is lack of an income; cash flow.
Money can’t buy up my happiness, see,
So my mood ought to perk up tenfold.

My momma said there would be days like today
But not any days like the rest.
She couldn’t have known ’bout the last ten twenty forty years
When she said I should give it my best.

In conclusion, I’ve seen that the problem is all
The people we’ve voted to lead.
It might also be my life consequences
……
Nope. It’s th’ gov’ment, indeed.

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

©2021 Chel Owens