The A Mused Poetry Contest 3/16/2021 – 4/16/2021

It’s definitely time for another A Mused Poetry Contest. I hope you’ve been honing your poetic skills for this one…

  1. The Theme is a catchy jingle for a product that really should not be sold to the general public.
  2. Commercials pay by air time used, so keep your Length short, sweet, and repeat-able.
  3. Rhyming is optional, but recommended. The most memorable ditties usually do.
  4. This isn’t PPV, so aim for a Rating of TV-PG or cleaner.
  5. The most important angle here, chairmen of the board, is humor. What makes our audience laugh? What will make them snort up their diet soft drink all over their luxury sofa and soil that designer pair of celebrity-endorsed trousers? Hmmm?

You have till 10:00 a.m. MST next MONTH (April 16) to submit a poem. I’ll try to remember, this time.

Use the form, below, to remain anonymous until results are posted.

Otherwise, include your poem in the comments, link to it in the comments, or leave a note that you’ve written one and stuck it on your own site in the comments. You cannot simply link back to my post because WordPress is stupid and I will not receive it.

—–

I’ve set the date
Now I can’t wait.
Write us a poem,
Then you’ll feel great!

Try to make your commercial more interesting than whatever they just watched.
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

—–

©2021 Chel Owens

WINNER of the A Mused Poetry Contest 10/2/2020

I asked poets to pen a funny commercial. And the one who did so the best was:

Try our Thanksgiving Stuffing, by Bruce
We’re plucking the turkey
in preparation for Thanksgiving.
Pluck the turkey!
Pluck the turkey!
Sing as you pluck, O my three children!
I just wish the turkey would keep still.

We’re stuffing the turkey
in preparation for Thanksgiving.
Stuff the turkey!
Stuff the turkey!
Sing as you stuff, O my three children!
I just wish we’d taken the guts out first.

We’re roasting the turkey
in preparation for Thanksgiving.
Roast the turkey!
Roast the turkey!
Sing as you roast, O my two children!

Well, just shut up and pretend it’s a turkey.

Congratulations, Bruce, on being the funniest poet of the week! I selected his poem for its dark, clever humor. Well done, and -well- awful.

His had at least a few contenders as I snickered my way through reading. See for yourself:

Untitled, by Trent McDonald
Hey Mom and Dad!
Don’t be sad
For we have the newest kiddy fad!

You know the toy
A plastic bit of joy
Wanted by every girl and boy?

You need a pair
But they are dear
And you can’t find ‘em anywhere

A rumor of a stash
Causes teeth to gnash
And a million parents show up in a flash

Stand in a line
Hope for a find
But the last sold at nine

Well, come in a trice
We have some, that’s nice,
And are only charging ten times the price!

So, don’t take a nap
Came ay-sap
And buy some grossly overpriced crap!

Perkup: turns molehills into mountains, by Geoff LePard
Are you flaccid and sad?
Perkup will make glad

Lost your youthful zeal?
Perkup makes your dreams real

Confidence taken a dent?
Take Perkup and turn the smallest event
With the help of our latest fix
Into your very own Grand Prix!

Hey Hottie, by Matt Snyder
Hey Hottie How’s it Hanging ?
Halitosis, she says and hurries away

How many times has this happened to you Horny Harry ?
Have a swig of Herman’s Halitosis Herbal Mouthwash

And try again

Hey Hottie How’s it hanging ?
Hot and heavy Horny Harry

Herman’s Halitosis Herbal Mouthwash Keeping Horny Harry’s Halitosis Free

Untitled, by DumbestBlogger
Help! I’m being eaten by alligators!
Good thing I have Flex-Seal!
I’m going to make an alligator proof cage with it!
It sets up instantly!
It’s amazing!
Oops! The pirhannas were a little bit fast!

Untitled, by Willowdot
Book now
Before it’s too late
Trip of a lifetime
Heaven can’t wait.

Masks are provided
You must stay in your seat
Can’t use the loo
And there’s nothing to eat.

The duration is a fortnight
But might stretch to a month
Quarantine darlings
Read the small print in the bunff.

I’m Rona fly me!

Untitled, by Deb Whittam
Eyes glued to the box,
There’s drama to be seen.
Then it happens at the climax,
How can they be so mean?
Time is limited,
One and a half minutes to be exact.
Then the commercials will be over,
Quick, it’s time to act.
He puts the kettle on,
As I scurry down the hall.
So quickly, that I nearly skid,
And take a dramatic fall.
Teas brewing, he hollers,
As theme music begins to play.
Frustrated I curse,
Why is the loo so far away?
As voices sound I don’t have time to flush,
It will just have to wait.
The next bit will be dramatic,
I don’t want to be too late.
As I scurry to my seat,
He sighs in disbelief,
Another set of ads eight minutes away,
The tea will be ready then, what a relief.

Untitled, by Hobbo
A funeral plan, the ad man said
Is necessary, a must
To pay expenses when I’m dead
When dust returns to dust.

I listened well, did not dismiss
But what a paradox
When all life’s labours come to this
I’ve paid for my own box.

Ouch!, by Fishman
Sticks and stones won’t break your bones?
Ever been hit in the head with a rock or a club?

If you have, stop on into the Slowpoke Skull Center.

At the door we’ll meet’cha
And then we’ll treat’cha
And we’ll all be wearing masks.

And for safety we all wear gloves!
well, kinda sort of,
we’re still waiting for a delivery from our vendor.

And if you do like being hit in the head with a rock then we have doctors at the Slowpoke Psychiatric Center standing by. Just enter the door on the left.

If you’re dizzy and your visions blurry –
Don’t worry.
Just wave and we’ll come and get ‘ya in a hurry.

So, my dear head hurtin’ friend;
stop tiptoeing through the minefield of concussions,
come on in and we’ll have a discussion.
We’ll get rid of that pounding percussion
and that pain you can just start aflushin’.

Evening and weekend appointments available.

Twinkle Twinkle Body Hair, by Ruth Scribbles
Do I have a deal for you –

It’s not for your hose
It’s not for your shoe
It’s for your eyebrows
And even your nose

All of those hairs
Looking to escape
Need to be trimmed
Make no mistake

They say that the Twinkle*
Is quite easy to use
Just stick it up in there
No need for abuse

No need to worry
That clumping of hair
Will soon start to scurry
No more hair up in there

Your nostrils are now
Totally denuded
Thank you dear Twinkle*
I’m no more secluded

no batteries included.
keep out of reach of children.
don’t use on your pets.

*this product is real.
order right now to get your nostrils clean as a whistle.

Permanent Vacation
(To be breathily intoned by some honey-voiced ingenue in a pursers uniform?), by Obbverse
‘When vacation time rolls around
Don’t stay safe and home bound,
Let us wash all life’s cares away
On a Sunny Cruise ship holiday.’

‘Our crew is here, at your pleasure
To make your cruise a life of leisure,
Every last desire the crew anticipates,
Once you’re on board, Paradise awaits.’

‘If it’s high spirits you enjoy sinking
We set the bar when it comes to drinking,
And it’s always happy hour on the high seas,
Plus, our rock bottom prices are sure to please.’

‘Enjoy our fine company and our finer buffet,
And it’s All You Can Eat, so go re-stack your tray,
An endless smorgasbord, go and recharge your cup,
Finally, our rich desserts- customers always bring it up.’

‘However, should we sail into covid nineteen
We DON’T demand everyone stay in quarantine,
One dark night we’ll slip into some backwater port;
To remain out here, all at sea- could be our last resort.’

Here is my advertisement for your perusal, by Ellen Best
If, you have an Aunty, that makes up stories,
Or, an uncle Ernie you despise,
The ones that should know better,
But fill the world with wicked Lies.

Buy them the under garments
We sell,
you really will get no better,
They do what it says in the advert
Down to the letter.

They will not make them look delightful
Like a pretty Christmas sweater,
Or turn them in to entrepreneurs
Or the newest “Go getter.”

These under pants will make them
Nicer,
They will make them people to admire,
Because these knickers will cure their
Prepensity to be a liar.
For, Our Pants,
truly will,
Catch On Fire!

Untitled, by Gary
Cue the patriotic music and views of the White Cliffs of Dover

It’s time to sell Brexit to the masses, to buy into the dream, moreover

Just think of the future with our new brightly coloured passports

The fun of all those new travel checkpoints and long queues at the ports

The joy of telling our kids that we have taken away their right to free travel

Watch as our worker rights and environmental standards begin to unravel

Be happy as we sell the NHS to American Insurance Groups in the hope of a deal

Any deal as we cut ourselves adrift, is it time for chlorinated chicken to be revealed

Let’s not forget the rich brexit backers who for some reason have now moved abroad

Let’s be proud that now as a country we are free to rip up international accords

Enjoy the sight of all those companies now moving jobs away from our now free island

Yes remember those glossy Brexit adverts that told us to dream, smile and

Strangely failed to mention all the crap that is about to happen to our country

That’s the problem with adverts, they sell you stuff you don’t need, that’s speaking bluntly…..

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Thanks for playing!! Return tomorrow for next week’s prompt.

Bruce, here’s a badge for you to use on your site. Congratulations!

©2020 The poets, and their respective works

The A Mused Poetry Contest 9/26 – 10/2/2020

Hey! It’s the A Mused Poetry Contest! Make a gaffe, cause a laugh!

Here are the specifics for this week’s contest:

  1. The Theme is commercials: try radio, newspaper, halftime show, or a high-pressured letter you get in the mail.
  2. The Length needs to run between 5 and 155 words.
  3. Rhyming is at the discretion of the poet (you).
  4. The Rating can be PG-13 (though I’m not fond of cussing). Hear that, E??
  5. MAKE US LAUGH. I wanna hear your ditty passed around online meetings, morning talk shows, and incessant chatting from children at the dinner table.

You have till 10:00 a.m. MST next Friday (October 2) to submit a poem.

Use the form below to stay anonymous for a week.

Otherwise, for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. Drop a comment if you try to link back and it doesn’t show up within a day.

Have fun!

—–

©2020 Chel Owens
Video ©Youtube

WINNER of the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

You all might be in the wrong career, because these terrible commercial jingles were so hilarious they were almost too good to win!

But, of course we need a winner! And that is:

Untitled piece

by Matt Snyder

If you got an awful case of halitosis
From devouring Garlic and limburger
And dang your breath is atrocious
Then have a chew
On our wintry minty gum called Goo
And know that you did stink
Its not just some psychosis.
Goo Gum available in cherry, watermelon, orange and blue

Congratulations, Matt! You are the most terrible poet of the week!

It’s credit to everyone’s creativity and awfulness (that verged on great skill) that I read through all the poems several times. Matt’s stuck out for its changing meter and messed-up rhyming patterns, as well as a bit of help from its topic.

‘Twas a close contest, though. See what I mean:

Untitled piece

by Trent P. McDonald

Smoke the cig that’s the best
Go ahead and forget the rest!
It’s your life we try to fit
Even though we shorten it by a little bit
Everyone will know you are cool
(While we kill and rob you like a fool)
A great product that tastes like dung
And destroys every cell of your lung!
So go ahead and take a toke
Of our great name brand smoke!

—–

Buy our cat food

by Bruce Goodman

Cat food! Cat food! Buy our Cat food!
Be a cool dude and buy our Cat food!
I don’t want to be rude
But other brands of Cat food
Aren’t as goo-ed.

It’s more than they could wish
When you put it in their Cat food dish.
So fill those hungry tummies
With Cat food that’s yummy.

Cat food! Cat food! Buy our Cat food!
Be a cool dude and buy our Cat food!

When you’ve finished feeding those hungry boys
Let’s hope there’s something left over for the Cat.

—–

Untitled piece

by Geoff LePard

We can stick it up our noses
We can rub it on our gums
We can sprinkle it like sugar
And lick it with our tongues

It’s dusty white and naughty
It doesn’t carry tax
It’s far less calorific
Than your average Pepsi Max.

The moral of this ditty
Is when you go for broke
Ignore all other stimulants
And stick with good old Coke

—–

Plant the Seed

by Annette Rochelle Aben

Enjoy a healthy cleansing poo
When you eat the seed of ancient Peru
It was used to grow hair on heads of terra cotta
Now, people eat it to help them poop a lotta
You can find it in most stores throughout North America
This tiny little powerhouse known as CHIA!
(Cleans you out without emptying out your wallet)

©2020 Annette Rochelle Aben

—–

Fast Food, Fast Fat

by Peregrine Arc

Oh what’s the best solution to a dietary convolution?
Why the things that make your taste buds scream!
Designed by evolution to make your constitution stronger than any in this here institution.
It’s fats, oils and salts, delivered in abundance by your friend and pal, Ray Kroc!
Come on over, you’ll get addicted to the sugar;
Twenty years of your life–taken!–and diabetes is what we’ll serve ya!
So come on down and oh, have a bite
It’s the devil’s way of having a res-pite.

—–

Untitled piece

by Makeshiftdriver

You don’t got time to waste
So we better just cut to the chase
Get a load of our spackling paste!
Hey!

Fill a hole or fix your wall
It’s a wonder you don’t just use it all
On a hole that you punched in your hall-
Way!

So grab some spackling paste today!
Okay!

—–

Untitled piece

by Trent P. McDonald

When Mother
Talks to Jupiter
Or one of its moons

And you see your brother
Out back
Answering the loons

Show them you care
Dress them in style

We hold them dear
With fabric by the mile

Don’t go for half
Nelson’s is best!

Tailors of craft
Fuller than the rest

So when another
family member
Croons

From the cover
Of uranium enriched
Dunes

Don’t throw them in a sack-ette
Put them in a Nelson’s
Full Straight Jacket!

—–

Vanish

by Gary

For that time when the runner has gone thud
And his clothes are covered in filthy mud
When soap and water won’t do the job
And that runner doesn’t want to look a slob
In need of rescue after that mossy wall
Which hero are you going to call?
With just 5 scoops your colours will banish
But that mud will be gone thanks to VANISH.

—–

Fine Print Is For Schmucks

by H.R.R. Gorman

If you wanna know the future
It’ll cost you just a kidney!
We predict you’ll trust our sutures
So pick up those phones and dial
Bob’s Psychics and Organ Donors!

—–

Life ain’t fair

by Martyn

Disaster strikes, the dragons breath, has melted all the snow,
The Christmas tree was turned to ash, but why we just don’t know.
People now seem scared of him, they hide under the table.
he cooks the “pud” and they all clap, you can’t believe this fable.
John Lewis though, don’t really care, they’re advert looks quite funny.
Excitable Edgar might win hearts. it’s the store that gets the money.

—–

Thank you so much for your contributions!! Come back tomorrow around 10 a.m. MST for next week’s theme.

victoria-kubiaki-yeFJNtA3604-unsplash

Matt: D. Wallace Peach created this graphic that you can use (if you want) for a badge of honor as the winner:

©2020 The respective authors, and their poems

The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest

Welcome back! I hope you’ve all used your break in the least productive ways possible and that your poetry will suffer accordingly. This is, after all, the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest #53!

It’s been awhile, so maybe brush up on what’s expected, here. Writing bad poetry is an art, much like crafting mud pies with broken fingers.

Here are the specifics for this week:

  1. Let’s start off with a fun Topic: commercial jingles. Pick a product and *wow* us with an awful little diddy.
  2. Most commercials have a short runtime, so keep the Length fairly short as well.
  3. Do you need to Rhyme? No, but catchy tales bring in more sales.
  4. Look, chum: just Make it terrible. Make your audience sit up, take notice, and frantically push the Mute button until the horror passes.
  5. This needs to be appropriate for General Audiences. Write accordingly.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (January 10, 2020) to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous for a week.

If not, and for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. Please also comment if you linkback but don’t see the notification in the comments within 24 hours.

Have fun!

victoria-kubiaki-yeFJNtA3604-unsplash.jpg

Photo credit:
Victória Kubiaki

All We Are is Dollars in a Wallet

The husband and I run an online dice store, Game Master Dice. I’ll write about the whole, sordid history of acquisition and the daily running of it one day; for now, I wish to discuss a phenomenon one experiences in sales:

Everyone is a walking wallet.

My husband told me that awhile ago, when I complained about how pressured I feel at stores. These days, I feel it everywhere. Websites, billboards, friends, store aisles -they are all trying to get a bit of my money. No –all of my money. It’s just a matter of who can grab it first with the brightest ad and the most compelling sales pitch.

Most of us learn to resist, mostly. Otherwise we’d not be living with a roof and walls whilst wearing clothes.

But the onslaught is relentless! I know that advertising has been around since before Pompeii. I know that companies have always sought the best way to purchase ad space in our brains. I also know that ads were less insidious, even when the mental takeover involved a catchy jingle.

If businesses could, they would literally brainwash us to buy. I incorporated that idea in my serial science fiction story.

I’ve thought about all these sales tactics lately because we’re trying to ramp up sales in the dice store. We are therefore pulling out the tricks I use(d) when doing paid content writing: keywords, tags, linking, Instagram and Pinterest and Facebook…

We want to make a living, but sales and marketing have always made me uncomfortable.

My consolation is that we’re marketing to people who want to purchase what we sell. They’re going online to find a dice set or a Reaper miniature or a dice cup, and we’re trying to point them down our little aisle of the internet. It’s not like we’ve popped up during their drive with a BUY OUR DICE NOW!!

Right?

I remember a job interview waaaaay back when, during which they asked me if I’d be comfortable selling their product to customers who called in. I had nailed the interview up to that point; I knew it. My answer to that question, I also knew, shot me right in the foot.

So how comfortable do you feel advertising? Do you tell friends and neighbors about a great deal without any qualms at all? Would you rather stay out of the Rat Race entirely and go live on Walden Pond?

If you get 10 of your friends to read and comment …yeah, nevermind.

—————-

If you read what I wrote this week, I guarantee you won’t be pressured to purchase anything:
Wednesday, July 24: “Summer Days Ain’t Lazy at All.” I complained about pregnancy.

Thursday, July 25: “The Top Ten Reasons I Can’t Write Romance.” Also complaining, but in a humorous way.

Friday, July 26: Winner of the Weekly Terribly Poetry Contest. Congratulations to Rasmus K. Robot and Charles!

Saturday, July 27: Announced the 36th Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. The theme is your ‘favorite’ relative (who’s really not). PLEASE ENTER!

Sunday, July 28: “One More Day,” in response to Carrot Ranch’s prompt. Someone else was complaining.

Monday, July 29: An inspirational quote by Joseph B. Wirthlin. He says to stop complaining.

Tuesday, July 30: “Wilhelmina Winters, Ninety-Eight.”

Wednesday, July 31: Today.

I also posted all this week at my motherhood site. I wrote “Manic Kids? Try Snacks!,” “Why the Heck Would Anyone Get Pregnant?,” and “Pregnancy Limerick.”

 

©2019 Chelsea Owens