Mother Goose ain’t got nothing on this week’s terrible poetry contest, yet another event where I found myself torn between at least five entries.
What’s the fun of a contest without a designated winner, though? And that winner is ….Violet Lentz.
Mary McGrath
by Violet Lentz
I once knew a girl
Named Mary McGrath
Who’d do anything
To avoid taking a bath
She’d run and she’d hide
She’d slip and she’d slither
Till her father was fit
And her mom in a dither
A brown crust it settled
Between the cracks in her toes
Wax dried in her ears
And snots in her nose.
Her hair a birds nest
Even fleas would avoid
Her breath so atrocious
Even dogs were annoyed
This went on for years
Her games and her ploys
Till one day she grew up
and discovered boys!
Well that changed it all
Today she couldn’t be neater
All plaited and pressed
And she smell so much sweeter!
Congratulations, Violet! You are the most terrible poet of the week!
As I first read through everyone’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad entries; I thought to give a tie to two who trashed everything our inner child held dear. Ultimately, however, I decided to turn to The Rules.
When I introduced the contest last week, I specifically said, “This week… I wish to be more about a clever take and subject than about a rotten execution.” I therefore changed my judging glasses out for a pair that looked for rhymes that could be of the nursery sort, though hopefully no parent would ever recite them to his child.
Violet’s fit the bill, which is no surprise considering how very talented a poet she is.
Not to be outdone, of course, are all the rest. I laughed, I cried, I groaned; and I felt terrible for not being able to award so talented a crowd first place all around.
Don’t believe me? Read for yourself and see:
Hush Now
by Donna Matthews
Hush now my cantankerous one
Have you lost all your fun?
You’re as enjoyable as the flu
Your attitude smelling like poo
Relax and chill out
Or get the hell out.
Hush now moody and blue
Or else, begone and say adieu
Go on and get lost
before you get tossed
Better improve your mood
Or you’re gonna be screwed
Hush now my beautiful one
I’m tired and more than done
Now really…I mean you no harm
Come here into my arms
Ain’t nobody got time for this
Now be sweet and give me a kiss
—–
Untitled piece
by Greygirlieandme
Jack and Jill
Looked at the hill.
Where there was a well.
For Mary’s little lamb needs water.
Jack said well
It’s the task from hell
And Jill said ‘Yes it is, sort of.
Mary’s lamb is always thirsty,
She’s fed up of its antics.
It follows her everywhere she goes,
She’s got an ovine stalker.
Jack huffed and puffed
When Mary cried and Jill
Had a temper tantrum.
He got an idea
Of what life is like
With two premenstrual women.
He cursed the lamb,
Damn you lamb.
Damn you sheep.
You haunt me in my sleep.
Mary and Jill
Skipped up the hill.
They said ‘Typical man
To not water the lamb,
Or see the site’s potential.
As long as you could get planning consent.
Which is really hard.
We’ll have to see the council.
Mary and Jill
Now live on the hill.
Their restaurant’s famous
For lamb navarin.
Jack ran away
To discover himself.
‘Golly, I’m gay,
Hip, hip hooray,
I can wear that turqoise eyeliner.
And they all lived happily, after
Seeing a family counsellor.
—–
Untitled piece
by jena c. henry
Jack Spratt and his wife
Could eat no Keto
Whole 30 or Paleo
No more ‘licking the plate clean’ life.
“My fair lady! Let’s practice self-care.”
“Ok” said Jack’s wife, “I’m for cardio.”
So they marched up the hill- go!
And then ringed around the rosie there.
They met Humpty Dumpty, and tried
yolk-a on the wall, oh no!
Along came a downward doggo
And sat down beside her, fried.
Organic clothes would be fantastic!
Said Jack, “Baa baa Black Sheep do
You have any wool?”
“No sir. No sir. Just recycled fibers of plastic.”
Jack’s wife decided to meditate
And live alone in a shoe.
Jack didn’t know what to do.
So he said, “That’s the way the bough breaks.”
—–
Untitled piece
by Bruce Goodman
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
That looks very uncomfortable, said Little Bo Peep.
Believe me, said Humpty Dumpty,
It’s not half as bad as sitting on Little Miss Muffet’s tuffet.
You, said Mother Goose, should keep
Wee Willie Winkie under control.
So also says Bruce.
—–
There was an old man
by RhScribbles
There was an old man
Who lived in a boot
He had so many relatives
That he didn’t give a wit
As to whether he lived
Or died as a smelly old coot
He picked his nose and
Chewed his cud
He went to bed in the mud
He awoke with a cough
And said, “that’s enough”
He bought a newspaper
And went on a caper
He had to sell his boot
Cause he had no loot
All that was left was
To scream and hoot
Hooting and tooting
As a jolly old soul
He became the
Walmart Santa Claus
—–
The old woman who lived in a shoe
by Julia
(with apologies to Sylvia Plath, from whom I stole the first verse, which fit so perfectly — no pun intended!)
You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.
And that was before all these toes came along,
These children, like toes, like the notes of a song
Multiplying like rabbits, my food to divide
Until broth without bread was all I’d provide.
Then I sent them to bed, though I knew I was wrong.
Yes, I whipped them, quite soundly, it’s true.
But what would you do, were it you in this shoe?
In this shoe thirty years, give or take one or two?
Say what you will, I know just what you’d do
You’d do the same thing, were it you in this shoe.
—–
There was an old woman who lived in a boot
by Molly Stevens
There was an old woman
Who lived in a boot.
She had a lot of children
But they didn’t give a hoot.
In their defense
She was quite contrary,
With a curl smack dab in the middle
Of her forehead.
She sat alone
Day after day
Eating her curds
And slurping her whey.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
She sprang from her tuffet
To see what was the matter.
In her haste to explore
She swallowed a fly.
Why, oh why?
Did she swallow that fly?
She feared she’d die!
She called Little Jack Horner
The local MD.
He said, “I’m plumb out of ideas,
You’d best go to the ED.”
She’d no way to get there
One shoe off and the other shoe on,
Diddle diddle dumpling
She called her son, John.
John told her to wait for him
Sitting on a wall,
But possessing poor balance
The old woman had a great fall.
A walrus and a carpenter
Walked by and saw her plight,
“I don’t know what happened
But she doesn’t seem quite right.”
While thinking things could not be worse
For the woman who was comatose,
Down came a blackbird
And pecked off her nose.
“The time has come,” the walrus said,
“To talk of many things,
But first to stay above suspicion
I suggest we trot along home again.”
I wish there were a happy ending
But alas the woman died.
Let this be a lesson,
Don’t swallow a fly!
—–
Itsy Bitsy Spider – Mediocre Rap Version
by H.R.R. Gorman
Sleep is for the weak
SON
So listen to these ill tweaks
To the story of the real OG.
Itsy bitsy spider
In the house.
Climb up that waterspout.
Going up clean aluminum,
Ain’t touching that nasty grout.
But here comes the rain!
Aluminum’s too slick now!
Give them a world of PAIN!
Gonna bust a cap
In the weatherman
Lying to me bout this crap.
How am I gonna spin a web
When it’s wet outside?
Let me call up buddy Jeb!
Ring Ring
Ring Ring
Ring Ring
“Hello? Nuclear Fire you say?
That’s the way I like it –
Radiation everyday!”
Dry up that pipe and climb
Reach the top of the drain
And rejoice with sick rhyme.
Word.
—–
Untitled piece
by Fractured Faith Blog
Little Bo Beep
Lost her sheep
They were all butchered in the abbatoir
And sold for meat.
By a clown….
With a chainsaw.
Fin
—–
Untitled piece
by D. Wallace Peach
Old Pres Donald had a wall
I owe IOU
And from the top he saw a cactus
I owe IOU
With a billion here and a billion there
Here a debt there a debt
Everywhere some deficit
I owe IOU
Old Pres Donald had a germ
I owe IOU
And no health care we all got sick
I owe IOU
With a cough cough here and a hack hack there
Here a phlegm, there a phlegm
Everywhere some green phlegm
I owe IOU
Old Pres Donald had a tax cut
I owe IOU
And no one got it but the rich
I owe IOU
With a bill bill here and bill bill there
Here a notice, there a notice
Everywhere a payment’s due
I owe IOU
Old Pres Donald had a personality disorder
I owe IOU
Can’t sympathize or tell the truth
I owe IOU
With a lie lie here and a lie lie there
Here a Putin, there a Putin
Everywhere a favorite Russian
I owe IOU
—–
Untitled piece
by Michael B. Fishman
Frankie holds his undies out, mom takes them with a frown.
Her nose is wrinkled, her eyes are closed, a reaction to the brown.
“Why, Frankie, dear these pants do smell oh my, what did you do?”
“I’m sorry mom I just bent down and out came some tiny poo.”
Tiny’s right, Frank’s mommie thinks, they look like baby ants.
Or maybe, she laughs, like something dropped from Captain Underpants.
—–
Untitled piece
by Michael B. Fishman
Frankie stepped down off the curb he didn’t look left or right.
A speeding driver came down the street and drove right through the light.
People shouted out to Frankie; many more folks screamed
But Frankie was listening to a baseball broadcast and wound up getting creamed.
Frankie got run over.
There wasn’t much left over.
Sort of like a cherry turnover
(only with blood and bones and torn and wrinkled skin instead of cherries)
They used a mop to clean up Frankie, the driver went away in chains
And all that was left at the end of the day was a bit of Frankie’s brains.
So when you cross the street my friends be sure to look both ways
unless you want to wind up as a blob of bloody mayonnaise.
—–
Now we’ll have to get an artist on board to help illustrate these.
In the meantime, tune in tomorrow. I am SO SO so excited for next week’s prompt!
Violet: D. Wallace Peach created this graphic that you can use (if you want) for a badge of honor as the winner:
Chel Owens 