“With your feet in the air and your head on the ground…”
Most of my day is spent in trying to avoid reality. Through the combined efforts of little sleep and little to stimulate my brain, I’ve successfully dodged true feelings and their accompanying pains for years. Through the added repressive means of modern technology and instant entertainment, I’ve created a virtual mindspace that is more alive than my physical one.
“Your head will collapse / But there’s nothing in it…”
Since entering the world of blogging; and, especially, the community of mental illness support, I’ve learned some terms for what I do: numbing, depersonalization, and (above all) disassociation.
“And you’ll ask yourself: Where is my mind?”
In the beginning, I entered the mind fog willingly. -So I thought. Depressed, repressed, lonely, and mind-numbingly bored at my day-to-day activities; I sought constant distraction.
“Try this trick and spin it…”
I thought numbing was better. In some ways, it was; it is. Because I felt nothing, I did not lash out in anger from the frustrations. Because I felt nothing, I could not feel disappointment. Because I felt nothing, I could not feel the crippling sadness.
“Where is my mind?”
Except that I still could.
“Where is my mind?”
As such, I have made various attempts to kind-of, sort-of climb out of my muddy hole. I read Brené Brown’s recommendations, followed her advice …and really offended a neighbor by being myself. I started counseling and some hormone therapy …then reverted back to old habits and dropped the hormones so that I wouldn’t accidentally birth a hermaphrodite.
Most of my days are spent in trying to avoid reality. On the rare occasions that I surface, life feels like the restaurant scene in “Sherlock Holmes” (2009). Unlike the genius that is Holmes, however; I do not note and absorb everyone’s mistresses, limps, or chalk spots. Instead, I feel overstimulated by emotions; in particular, everyone’s emotional reactions to me.
I also feel overwhelmed at the repetitive cycle of life, and the prospect of more of the same for the foreseeable future.
Do I want my mind awake? I’m not so sure. There doesn’t seem much to wake to. Hence, the continued withdrawal and disassociation.
“Where is my mind?” Somewhere inside. Probably.
Do you experience similar non-feelings? Have you, in the past, and now you do not? Is reality worth the cost?
On a happier note, here’s what I threw together this week:
Wednesday, March 20: Me and me debated who has it harder in “THE Battle of the Sexes.”
Thursday, March 21: “The Cure for Depression: Simply, Joy,” a suggestion in a series originally posted over at The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog.
Friday, March 22: Winner of the Weekly Terribly Poetry Contest. Congratulations to Doug!
Saturday, March 23: Announced the 19th Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. The theme is Unrequited Love. PLEASE ENTER!
I also finally wrote up an entry for The Annual Bloggers Bash Competition, “Silent but Tardy.”
Sunday, March 24: “Farmer Henry,” a flash fiction piece for Carrot Ranch’s writing prompt.
Monday, March 25: An inspirational quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
Tuesday, March 26: “Wilhelmina Winters, Eighty-Seven.”
Wednesday, March 27: Today.
I also wrote stuff at my motherhood site; like “Pinterest Mom or Sane Parent?,” “A Very Unmerry Birthday to You,” and a funny quote about mothers.
*Credit to the Pixies’ amazing song, “Where Is My Mind?”