You may not be aware of this, but you are out of touch.
If you are between the ages of 57-75 (born 1946-1964), you are known as a Boomer. Maybe you think this is cute; a sweet shortening of the phrase ‘Baby Boomer.’ Well, I’m also here to tell you that being a Boomer is not cute. It’s not a good thing. It is, actually, uncool.
You are the butt of jokes about being not-hip. Can you believe that? What is the world coming to these days? This generation has no respect.
You’re right, but we’re going to move past those age-old clichés and instead give you a short tutorial on how to not be such a drag. Here it is:
How Not To Be a Boomer
- Stop complaining; and, especially, stop blaming.
Did it rain? Don’t tell me the weatherman said it wouldn’t. How about your grocery store’s not having grapefruit in? I sure as heck don’t think it was anyone’s fault but the weatherman’s.
- Figure out that phone/app/filter/program.
Computers have been around for several decades now. Cell phones have for a couple. Apps for at least one. You’re running out of excuses for not texting or following your grandchildren on Instagram at this point. If you’re sick of staring at that tiny screen, many have zoom-in options or text-to-speech.
A last note, though: don’t sign your name after comments.
Oh, and don’t agree to any fishy offers from unknown numbers.
- Abandon security and embrace convenience.
A sure sign that you’re old is pulling out a credit card to pay for things. Wanna fit in? Swipe your phone. Ditch your paper statements you get in the mail. It’s a digital world, baby.
- Stop reading.
No one reads anymore. If they do, they would’ve stopped reading these tips long before now.
- Do not talk Gen-Z like a foreign exchange student.
I saw some painted rocks on a recent walk. One said, “Have a great day,” while another read, “Slay.” Other current slang for awesomeness includes: bussin’, drip, fire, and vibe (check). It’s a Newspeak world out there; where rizz means one has charisma and sus is something suspicious.
- Dress down. Nope; further.
I took my teen shopping when he entered high school and all he wanted for pants were joggers. Look around: comfort is where it’s at. Threads are now fit. Want to accessorize? Add a fox tail.
- Get an earbud.
No, not two. Just one. Wear it liberally.
- Stop talking.
Haven’t you noticed? Everyone’s on
seashellsearbuds. If you wanna connect, see #2.
- Understand inflation (also, don’t compare it to your day).
Did you notice a candy bar isn’t a dime anymore? A house isn’t less than $300K? These poor teens and young ‘adults’ do. They’re going to be lucky to get a house at eighty years old and don’t like your pointing out how cheaply you bought yours for (and what you got for selling it).
- Complain and blame.
Yep, this is just like #1 -except you need to complain and blame about the ‘right’ things: Boomers. Life’s about avoiding adulthood and knowing it’s all the fault of those Boomers (and greedy capitalists). Sorry.
Hey, pops. Don’t flip your lid. Just chill and be groovy with it. Now you know the lingo, things’ll slide right along. Dig, man?
Here’s what I wrote since last noting what I wrote:
Wednesday, May 24: “The Edge of Obsolete.”
Friday, May 26: Friday Photo. Watch out for local wildlife in Florida.
Saturday, May 27: Announced the winners of the Terrible Poetry Contest: Deb and seahorse!
Sunday, May 28: Newspaper clipping and quote by Jenkins Lloyd Jones.
Tuesday, May 29: Continued writing about my journey from atheism to theism.
Wednesday, May 30: This post.
©2023 Chel Owens